


Life Vest

by Piper_Emerald



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Heidi is a good mom, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda Slow Build, M/M, Murphy siblings trying to be close again, TW: Reference to suicide attempt, TW: reference to past self harm, Tree Bros, Zoe is trying, they're both pretty angsty at first but it gets better, tw: panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-11-09 13:38:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 54,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11105676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald
Summary: The bad things come in waves of three.Evan wants to survive his first year of college, Connor wants to suffer through without exploding. Neither of them want a not-so-familiar face to change everything. But that’s alright, it might turn out to be what they need.If things were different, would they be able to save each other?





	1. The Truth About Reality

Evan Hansen realized a month into college that things weren’t going to be different. That kinda sucks because he had spent his entire high school being told by counselors and his mother that everything would be easier once he was out of school. The only flaw in that is that after school is more school where everyone expects you to actually know what you’re doing. He doesn’t know how everyone else was able to find a life compass in the short months between senior and freshman year.

Now he’s just trying not to think about it, but that’s not really possible because how are you supposed to make yourself not think about something? He doesn’t understand how people are able to control their own brains like that, because that doesn’t seem humanly possible.

Maybe it would have been easier if he didn’t end up at the same college as half the kids from his high school, but he couldn’t exactly say no to a nearly full scholarship and the proximity of the campus to his house. Both, unfortunately, did nothing to shorten the list of sames.

Evan still lives with his mother, because living with some stranger that he met on orientation day sounded like a nightmare. He likes to use that reason instead of the fact that he knows she’s afraid that he’s not mentally stable enough to live away from her. That leads to the second same. He’s still going to therapy every two weeks.

He’ll admit that maybe things would have been different, and the never ending chain of appointments could have stopped, if he actually had everything together at the beginning of last year. The problem is he didn’t, he still doesn’t. So instead of college being a new start it’s just a repeat of the same issues he’s been having all his life and are going to keep having until he’s dead.

He tries to focus on walking. Walking is easy.

But it’s not as easy as everyone thinks it is, because after you take one step you really can't guaranty what will happen on the next one, and thats scary because what if you trip and you can’t control it? But if you tell someone you can’t control your own feet they’ll think you’re crazy, but it is scary because none of the steps promise that they’ll get you were you want to go safely. But people don't get that.

So he needs to keep walking and breathing until he gets where he needs to go, so he can do it all over again later, and not completely understand why.

* * *

When Evan steps into the cafe, he’s grateful that Jared’s already at a table. This way he knows where to walk to and doesn’t have to stand there deciding what table he should sit at or deal with there not being any free tables, because then he’d have to awkwardly stand at the back and everyone would see how lost he looks.

He’s in a few classes with Jared, but they don’t really talk much on campus. Not that it was any different in high school. The main reason Jared is supposed to meet Evan, is to talk about a history project they were assigned the day before.

Evan thought that the end of high school meant the end of having to collaborate with other students, but their history teacher is really into project-based-learning. Evan mainly feels bad for their other group member, because the only reason the three of them are in a group together is because they didn’t know anyone else in the class and were stuck with each other. It probably sucks to be stuck with Jared and Evan, because Jared doesn’t do any of his work and Evan keeps stammering and making verbal typos when he’s asked a question.

Jared starts talking about something that really has nothing to do with history, and Evan feels bad because he’s going to have to tell Zoe that they didn’t get anything done. It’s a little surprising to Evan that Zoe Murphy would be the person stuck with the two of them, because Evan had always thought that she’s be good at making friends. Pretty, smart, nice people usually are and Zoe’s all of those things.

“Zoe said you need to finish the google slide tonight.” Evan cut into Jared’s story about how he and his camp friends had apparently gotten kicked out of Ross.

Then Evan endures a string of jokes, and reminds himself that he really shouldn’t have told Jared about his crush on Zoe Murphy. In his defense, he’d let it slip two years ago and hadn’t thought that it would earn him this much embarrassment. Jared won’t listen when he tries to explain that he’s actually moving on. The desire to voice this for the hundredth time is cut off by Evan realizing something more pressing.

“Um, how long have you been sitting here?” Evan asks the question meekly, to which Jared only shrugs in response. “Yeah, if we don’t buy something they’re probably going to kick us out.”

Evan can deal with how loud Jared is talking and the fact that at least five people can over hear this conversation, but if there is one thing he cannot handle today it’s getting kicked out of the cafe.

“I don’t have any money,” Jared informs him.

Evan can’t even be annoyed. He fishes the five dollars that he brought out of his pocket and passes it to Jared.

“You know I can’t take this, right?” Jared reminds him.

Evan forgot that Jared’s parents forbid him form taking Evan’s money after “that thing” happened sophomore year that Jared has banned Evan from ever talking about, not that Evan would want to in the first place, or have anyone to talk to besides Jared.

“Just get me something then,” Evan tells him.

“No, then it’s gonna look like we’re dating,” Jared dismisses.

“How?” Apparently this question doesn’t deserve an answer, because Jared continues.

“If you wanna buy something so badly just do it yourself,” he says. “It’s not gonna kill you.”

It might.

“I can’t,” Evan tries to explain. “Today I can’t, not that I can usually, I mean I can sometimes, but I’m not gonna be able to read the sign fast enough, and then the cashier is gonna have to wait for me to talk, but when I talk its gonna get garbled, and then they’re gonna stare at me, or they’re gonna say hello, and what are you supposed to say when they say hello because they’re not really saying hello, they’re saying hello because its part of their job, so it’s not a genuine hello, but you still—”

“Okay, okay,” Jared cuts him off.

“Let’s just go,” Evan decides.

“Fine,” Jared elongates the word as he takes the five dollars out of Evan’s hands.

Evan watches Jared walk halfway to the register with his money in hand. Then Jared freezes, pivots, and briskly marches back to their table.

Evan is certain that the entire cafe is staring at them. He wishes he could sink into the floor. Or blend into the wall. Or the table. It's a nice enough table. He'll just melt into the surface and never be seen again. Yeah, that'll work.

A glance around him proves that maybe not everyone is looking at them after all. In fact, the only one who seems to have noticed is the guy at the register. He looks annoyed—really annoyed—at Jared and by extension Evan. He also looks mildly familiar, but Evan can't manage to place him. That's odd because it's not everyday that you see a guy with long curly hair. Not that Evan thinks there's anything wrong with that. Actually he kinda likes it. On that guy that is, not on himself. He wouldn't be brave enough to grow his hair out.

"That's Connor Murphy," Jared states, because this must be explanation enough for him running from the register line.

"What?" Evan asks.

Jared rolls his eyes.

"I don't get it—" Evan tries to tell him, but the next thing he knows the money is being shoved back into his hands and Jared is pulling him out of his chair and pushing him towards the register.

Evan stumbles, and this kinda proves what he was thinking about walking earlier, but it's not really how he wanted that demonstrated, so now he just feels ridiculous, and "Connor Murphy" is looking at him like he just grew antenna. He's decided that he will in fact melt into the table.

Evan tries very hard to walk to the register like a normal, sane person. It's only when he gets there and Connor Murphy is giving him an irritated glare that Evan realizes that he doesn't know what he wants to order. Coffee makes sense, it is a cafe after all, but Evan's not supposed to have coffee since it makes him jittery, but he doesn't know if they serve anything else, and if he orders something they don't have he'll look like a—

"Well?"

Evan is wrenched out of his train of thought by Connor Murphy's thoroughly vexed voice.

"Right," he stammers. "Can I, er, I'll get coffee, sorry."

Connor sighs.

"What size?"

"Oh," Evan doesn't know how much each size is and he does only have five dollars so it'd be better not to get a large one. "Um, small?"

"Okay." Connor picks up a paper cup and checks off two boxes on it's outside. "Name?"

"Evan Hansen."

Why did he say his full name? And why is Connor smirking now? Evan wants to curl up and die. This is the most embarrassing buying anything has been in at least two months, and that's saying something.

"That's three ninety-nine, Evan Hansen," Connor states.

Evan mutely hands him the five.

Connor doesn't say anything as he gets Evan's change. That's somewhat of a relief, because at least now he doesn't have to try to make small talk, and at the moment he doesn't exactly trust his mouth to say anything that makes sense.

When Connor hands him the change, Evan shuffles to the side and proceeds to try to blend into the wall until Connor is done making his drink. That's when he realizes that he has seen Connor Murphy before. He's Zoe's older brother, which should have been obvious from the get go since they have the same last name and all, but today hasn't been the best day so Evan won't beat himself up for not making that connection. Evan is pretty sure Connor went to their high school.

Connor doesn't call his name when Evan's coffee is done, because Evan is the only one in the cafe's who's ordered in the past five minutes. This makes Evan wonder a little why Connor asked his name in the first place.

Evan takes the coffee and walks back to the table where Jared has probably been watching the entire thing. Drinking the coffee is a bad idea, but is not drinking it worse? Will Connor notice that he ordered coffee and didn't drink it. Probably not. It’s not like he's watching Evan and Jared.

Evan glances at the register.

Connor's staring at them. Great.

"We can go," Jared stage whispers.

"Thank god," Evan actually whispers.

He waits until they’re outside before asking why Jared couldn’t just get a drink in the first place.

“You don’t remember him?” Jared seems surprised.

“No, not really,” Evan admits. “Should I?”

“Well, he was probably the most socially pathetic person in our entire school,” Jared says. “Except for you, of course.”

“Right,” Evan mutters. “And you didn’t want to talk to him, because?”

“Just trust me, that guy’s bad news,” Jared emphasizes ‘bad.’ “As in crazy, not just weird like you.”

Evan nods.

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today wasn't a good day. But it wasn't a bad day either. Not exactly._

_I mean, it was kinda a bad day when I think about it, because you didn't get any of the school work done and now you have to tell Zoe, and she'll be disappointed, and Jared might blame you when she asks, and it is kinda your fault because you knew that Jared was just gonna make jokes anyway and shouldn't have told her you could get him to work, and then you didn't know how to order coffee, and Connor Murphy glared at you, and now you don't know if you should go back to that cafe, and that kinda sucks because it's the closest cafe to your house that isn't also super near school._

_I'm breathing now._

_That's good. Breathing is good, because if you don't breath you die and you don't want to die, right?_

_Connor might have been glaring more at Jared than at you. If Connor went to our high school then maybe he hates Jared because Jared's...well Jared. Yeah. That makes sense._

_Tomorrow is going to be a good day because you're going to finish your school work and you're not going to freak out._

_Sincerely,_  
_Me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was halfway through plotting this when I realized that the story has a handful of illusions to the song Life Vest by The Material, and once noticed I may have played into it. The chapter titles are either lyrics or titles of the band’s other songs.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what people think so far!


	2. Appearances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s not that hard to be around Zoe. There’s something about her that’s calming. Once Evan gets over thinking everything that he says because he wants her to like him, that is. He really does want her to like him—maybe not love him, though. He understands that’s never gonna happen. 
> 
> “I think I met your brother the other day.” 
> 
> Evan doesn’t know where this statement comes from. It’s not what he wants to talk about, it’s not what he was thinking about. Can he blame being tired? He is very tired. Zoe looks tried too. Actually, she looks notably more tired now that he’s said that.
> 
> “What did he do?” she’s almost groaning, and he wonders how many times people have gone to her with a complaint about Connor.

The problem with explaining what makes him anxious to his therapist is that Evan always ends up second guessing himself. Or he’ll hear how trivial what he's saying sounds and won’t be able to explain why its actually is a big deal. That's how he feels after his letter is read and he's trying to elaborate on why it's hard to order coffee.

"Did you know Connor Murphy before yesterday?"

It's difficult to answer that because he didn't, but he might have, but he didn't actually know anyone in high school. He doesn't remember seeing Connor around, but he does remember Zoe saying something about her brother. 

"I know his sister," Evan simplifies.

They talk about Zoe. Evan leaves out the bit where he was in love with her for two years. He doesn't like to talk about that. 

At the end of the session his therapist encourages him to go back to the cafe. Evan wants to tell him that he can't because he told Connor his full name and didn't drink the coffee, but stating this must would be wasting breath. And words. 

Evan technically doesn't have to go back, because there's no way for his therapist to know whether he actually did or not. Nevertheless, Evan finds himself at the cafe after a few hours. Connor's not there. Evan will chalk that up to good luck. 

Instead he's greeted by Alana Beck. Her's is a more familiar face. Evan's talked to her a handful of times this year, and in high school she would occasionally make it her business to carry a conversation with him. Evan's pretty sure she does that with everyone.

"Hi, Evan!" 

Alana's always more energetic than everyone else, no matter what is going on. Evan wonders how much coffee she drinks. Probably a lot considering she works at a coffee shop. It's a little surprising she works this far from the campus. 

"Hey," Evan says back. 

"How are you?" She asks. There isn't a line behind Evan so he doesn't know how long this conversation is going to be. That threatens to tie a knot in his stomach.

"Great," he says meekly. "How are you?"

"I'm so busy," she declares. "As soon as my shift ends I'm rushing back to my dorm to finish my English paper and wrap up our outline for that history project." 

The nice thing about Alana is that she'll do most of the talking for you. She doesn't wait for you to think of a topic.

"I really think I joined too many clubs," Alana adds. "But I don't have it in me to drop any of them, you know?"

"Yeah," Evan nods even though he can't relate at all. 

"Are you in any?" She asks. 

"Any? Oh, clubs? Er, no," his words want to jumble together. "No, I'm not right now."

"You should join Red Cross," she instructs. "I think you'd really like it. 

"Oh, thanks?" How was he supposed to respond to that? 

"So, what do you want?" She asks.

It takes a second for him to realize that she means to order.

"Hot Chocolate?" At least he didn't say coffee. 

"Size?" She's still smiling.

"Small," he states.

"Coming right up."

Well at least he can check talking to a cashier off his list of things he's supposed to do that day. Alana probably shouldn't count since he already knows her, but she talked more than a normal person would so maybe that made up for it?

Evan's phone buzzes as he walks out of the cafe. On opening it he discovers that he's missed a handful of texts in the group chat for their history project. All of which are from Zoe. Most of which are to Jared, saying that if he doesn't finish their google slides they won't be ready for the next class. The most recent text is just to Evan. 

_Hey, sorry to bug you, but Jared didn't finish the google slides and he's not texting me back._

Texting is probably the number one most awkward form of communication known to man. He can't see the other person's face, and he can't use their tone of voice to gauge if they actually mean what they're saying. There's no way to know for sure if he's irritating them unless they bluntly state it and if Evan let's it get that far then he's in trouble. 

He types: _Hi_

In less than ten seconds Zoe responds with: _Let's all meet at the library in half an hour...we can go over how we're not gonna fail lol_

He types: _ok_

Thinks he should add more, and then types: _See you then_

She responds with: _kk_

And Evan doesn't really know what the difference between "kk" and "ok" is but it's probably better if he doesn't question it.

* * *

"Yeah, at this point he's probably not gonna show up. Sorry.” Evan says to Zoe. 

The two had been waiting in the library for an insanely long thirty minutes. Upon arrival they both thought it would be better to postpone working until everyone was there. They then proceeded to watch videos on Zoe’s computer. Some of which Evan found funny, other’s Zoe did. By the end of thirty-minutes they realized that they probably had a different sort of sense of humor, and that this wasn’t really what they were supposed to be figuring out today. 

“It’s not your fault,” Zoe tells him. She doesn’t look that annoyed. “I guess we should probably finish it on our own though.”

“Yeah,” Evan says sheepishly. “We’ll get behind if we don’t.”

“This is why groups of three don’t work,” she lets him know.

“Or why Jared should never be in a group project,” Evan adds. 

“We can throw him under the bus when we finish,” Zoe decides.

“Okay,” Evan laughs.

“I actually did that in high school once,” she admits.

He doesn’t tell her that he already knows. Not that it’s creepy that he does, she posted an entire rant on Facebook, but he guesses that she doesn’t think anyone reads her Facebook rants. That would make sense because she usually only gets two or three likes on them, and this isn’t Evan, not because he doesn’t like reading them, but because he doesn’t want it to look creepy. Because it’s not creepy.

“Really?” he says out loud.

“Yeah,” she laughs. “In my defense I had to do three people’s work because I wanted a good grade.” 

“That sounds frustrating,” he states. 

“It was,” she smiles at him. 

Zoe Murphy probably has one of the most beautiful smiles in the entire world. 

“We could divide what he was supposed to do,” she suggests, referring to their history project again. 

“Yeah.” Evan nods, even though she’s looking at her computer and not his face so it’s pointless.

They start working. Usually Evan’s not able to do homework in front of someone else, because he always thinks that they’re looking over his shoulder and starts second guessing himself. He tries not to do this and after a while he realizes that Zoe’s too focused to notice him. That’s nice, because if Jared were here like he was supposed to be Evan doubts that any of them would be able to focus. 

“I think we can call it a night,” Zoe suddenly announces, breaking Evan’s train of thought. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, it’s not,” Evan’s stammering and he can’t stop. “It’s my fault. Sorry.”

“You apologize a lot,” she informs him.

“Sorry,” he says before he can stop himself.

She laughs, but it’s not mean spirited. Evan tries to smile, but he’s pretty sure he just looks awkward.

They pack up their things. It’s only then that Evan realizes that when Zoe said night she meant night. He knew it was still daylight when they started working, but a glance to his phone lets him know that its already seven o’clock. He’s going to have to take a bus home. 

“I can walk you to your dorm,” he offers to Zoe. 

It’s getting dark and the thought of her making the walk alone puts a bad taste in his mouth, no matter how unlikely someone trying to hurt her on campus is. 

“Thanks,” she slings her bag over her shoulder and grins at him. 

It’s not that hard to be around Zoe. There’s something about her that’s calming. Once Evan gets over thinking everything that he says because he wants her to like him, that is. He really does want her to like him—maybe not love him, though. He understands that’s never gonna happen.  

“I think I met your brother the other day.” 

Evan doesn’t know where this statement comes from. It’s not what he wants to talk about, it’s not what he was thinking about. Can he blame being tired? He is very tired. Zoe looks tried too. Actually, she looks notably more tired now that he’s said that.

“What did he do?” she’s almost groaning, and he wonders how many times people have gone to her with a complaint about Connor.

“Nothing,” Evan quickly tells her. “He didn’t do anything, I just, um— He works at Dead Beans right?”

“I think so,” she shakes her head. “He said something about getting a job, I didn’t really think he was serious.” 

“Oh.” 

She sighs again.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Evan tells her. “That’s my bad, and also none of my business. Why does it matter to me if you have a sibling or not?”

“No, it’s not you,” Zoe cuts through the babbling. “How did you know he was my brother?”

“Jared said something,” Evan explains. “I wasn’t sure, but maybe I should have asked him? I don’t know.”

“He actually has a job,” she let’s out a breath of air. Evan’s not sure if this was supposed to be a laugh or yet another sigh.

“Yeah,” Evan states, because what else is he supposed to say?

“That’s good,” she’s talking more to herself than to Evan and he can tell. “Or I hope it’s good.”

“I’m guessing you guys aren’t that close then,” he doesn’t mean to say out loud.

“Not really.” 

There’s a mix of emotions in her voice. Evan can’t decipher all of them. Maybe he shouldn’t. He was being serious when he said it wasn’t any of his business. Plus, Zoe really does look tired and maybe she would have masked all of that if she was fully awake.

“So, er, what other classes are you in?” he attempts to change the subject.

Zoe tells him about her music class for the rest of the walk to her building. Evan smiles and nods and is grateful that she doesn’t expect him to add something as well. 

“Thanks,” she says to him for the second time that night.

“It’s no problem,” Evan’s able to utter.

“See you in class.” 

She smiles again before she goes inside. Evan’s smiling too as he walks away. The thought of taking the bus home dampers his attitude. Begging the universe for a way out, he texts his mother asking when she gets off work. It turns out that she’ll still be at the hospital for another hour, but finding a bench he can sit at for the next sixty-minutes is a lot more appealing than being crammed into a small space with a bunch of strangers. 

He keeps walking.

The corner of his eyes catches something moving, and his head whips around. It’s probably not possible to look any more nervous. In his defense, him and Zoe hadn’t passed a single person on their walk across campus. Maybe the darkness is making him a little jumpy.

Evan’s eyes land on the slightly familiar figure of Zoe’s brother. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Not that Evan’s calling Connor the devil. He doesn’t even know Connor so it’s not fair of him to place a judgement, especially since neither Zoe nor Jared had explained to him what Connor was actually like. 

Connor doesn’t notice Evan. He’s looking at something else. Evan can’t tell what, but he can see Connor’s face tilted up towards the sky. It’s sort of poetic.  

Evan’s never thought it was okay to spy on people—although, he isn’t technically spying—and he knows that he’d probably freak out if someone was watching him right now. Yet, even as the logical part of his brain told himself to move away, he kept staring at Connor’s almost ghostly figure. The dim lighting seems to frame him, and Evan knows he’s being creepy but the image is kind of beautiful.

Evan didn’t expect Connor’s head to turn his way so quickly. 

“What the fuck are you looking at?” Connor demands.

Evan’s a deer in headlights. He should probably run.  

“I’m sorry,” Evan blurts. 

Connor’s moving toward him. He should really run. 

“The hell is your—”

Evan’s legs decide to work now, and he doesn’t wait around to hear the end of that sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Planing to update frequently! Thanks to everyone who left kudos or commented! <3


	3. With One Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor Murphy is almost nothing like his sister. Evan can tell that much just by looking at him. Zoe's bright, maybe a little closed off, and seems happy. Connor radiates a disinterest towards other living things. They don't dress the same. Their faces have some similarity, enough to link them as related, but Evan doubts that Connor could produce his sister's smile. Then there's the hair. Zoe's hair sweeps over her like a cape, but Connor's seems to blend into the air around him. It's like he's a painting and his hair is a series of brush strokes framing him. Actually, Connor reminds Evan a lot of a painting.

School days feel longer now. Evan's not really sure why, but it's exhausting. 

History is his last class, which means that he had the entire day to worry about the first stage of the group project. Luckily, Zoe did most of the talking. She must have figured she had to since Evan's not good with explaining and Jared didn't know what was going on. 

At the end of the period, the class was assigned the next stage of the project. Zoe immediately divided the work and suggested that they meet again outside of class to make sure that everyone _cough_ Jared _cough_ did their share. Since Evan knew his family friend couldn't really take a hint, him and Jared were now sitting in Dead Beans as he tried to show him what he needed to do before they met with Zoe.

Evan hadn't wanted to go to the cafe. Not after last night. But for some reason Jared had his mind set on talking there (maybe because it was a rather large distance from campus so there was less of a chance he'd be seen talking to Evan). 

On the way there, Evan convinced himself that the chances it was Connor Murphy's shift were very low. He had almost managed to calm down, but this facade dissolves when he walked into the cafe. He only glances at the resister once, but that was enough to confirm his fears. 

That was how he ended up listening to one of Jared's stories that he didn't get was funny, and not doing their homework. In his defense, he doesn't really hear what Jared's saying. All of his brain power is devoted to willing Connor Murphy not to look at him, and, if that fails, then at least not to kill him.

Evan's phone is vibrating in his pocket. He never has his ringer on. What if someone called him when everyone else around him were being quiet and then everyone heard his ringtone and thought he was loud and obnoxious. Jared's still talking, but he doesn't notice Evan fish the device out. 

He didn't save this caller ID but he remembers the number. As if his phone is a spider, he swats the decline button, and shoves it back into his bag. 

"What was that?" Jared must have noticed his slightly over the top pressing of the button.

"Nothing," Evan shakes his head.

He doesn't voice that his father just tried to call him. His father who he hasn't talked to in years. His father who hadn't wanted to talk to him in years. Maybe if he just pretends it didn't happen the universe would take it back. 

"So are you gonna get something?" Jared's question brings him back to focus.

"What?" 

"Since apparently we'll get kicked out if we don't," Jared's voice is saturated in sarcasm.

"Oh, yeah," Evan's still trying to push away the phone call. For a second he forgets that the moment he walks up to the register he's going to be murdered. "I can't."

Jared dramatically rolls his eyes. It makes his head look like a wheel. 

"You don't have money again," Evan realizes.

He can't tell Jared that he got caught staring at Connor yesterday. He'd never hear the end of it if he did. But if he doesn't say something Jared's not going to go, and then he'll have to. 

"Well?"

"I can't talk today," Evan states. 

"Dude," Jared's snickering. "You're talking right now."

He needs a better excuse. He can't think of any that Jared would let him get away with. Dear god, he's going to have to talk to Connor Murphy.

"Earth to Evan," Jared's waving his hand in front of Evan's face.

"Sorry," Evan says.

Then he stands up. Why is he standing up? He doesn't even want to drink anything, but now that he's standing he has to go to the register or else he'll look indecisive. He _is_ indecisive, but being something and demonstrating to the world that you're something are two different things. 

"Get me a coffee," Jared slides five dollars onto the table.

"Get it yourself," Evan tells him.

"But you're already standing," Jared points out.

Evan picks up the money and turns away. He's walking. His stomach has turned inside out and is currently tying itself into a giant knot. He doesn't look at Connor until he's standing in front of him. That's probably a bad idea, since once he makes eye contact he's frozen.

Connor's staring at him. It takes Evan a second to comprehend that the stare doesn't hold malice. If anything Connor looks neutral. 

"Can I get a small hot chocolate and a coffee?" Evan's able to get out.

"Room for cream?" Connor asks.

"Black I think," Evan is fairly certain that Jared doesn't like 'white girl coffee.'

Connor just nods and picks up the cup. He doesn't ask Evan's name this time. Probably because there isn't anyone else ordering. Although that didn't prevent him the first time. Evan's over thinking things again. 

"You go to my college, right?" Connor's question startles Evan.

"Yeah," Evan answers. 

Then he realizes that he isn't supposed to know this and the only reason he does is because he was kinda spying on Connor the other day. Does Connor not remember this? Maybe he couldn't see Evan well enough to recognize him? But that wouldn't explain how he knows that Evan goes to the same school as he does.

"No, I mean," Evan sputters. “What, um, what school do you go to?"

Connor raises a bemused eyebrow.

"Sorry," Evan wants to turn invisible.

Connor walks away to make the drinks. Evan lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Did that exchange mean he’s not going to be murdered today? 

Connor Murphy is almost nothing like his sister. Evan can tell that much just by looking at him. Zoe's bright, maybe a little closed off, and seems happy. Connor radiates a disinterest towards other living things. They don't dress the same. Their faces have some similarity, enough to link them as related, but Evan doubts that Connor could produce his sister's smile. Then there's the hair. Zoe's hair sweeps over her like a cape, but Connor's seems to blend into the air around him. It's like he's a painting and his hair is a series of brush strokes framing him. Actually, Connor reminds Evan a lot of a painting. 

Connor doesn't call Evan's name when his drink is done, but he makes eye contact. Evan's pretty sure that Connor doesn't know his name. At least he is until he sees "Evan Hansen" scrolled in messy handwriting along the side of the paper cups.

Evan takes one in each hand. He should probably say something, but when he looks up Connor's already doing something else. That's kinda a relief. He does his best to walk back to the table at a normal pace. He's so much more exhausted now.

"You're being nice since you're in love with his sister," Jared inaccurately sums up the past few minutes in an excruciatingly loud voice. 

"I'm not!" Evan stammers, glancing behind him to see if Connor heard. Fortunately he's not at the counter. Maybe in the cafe's back room?

"Right," Jared draws out the word.

"I'm serious," Evan knows Jared's not going to believe him.

He does mean it, though. Yes, there probably is a part of him who is always going to love Zoe—love is probably the wrong word since he didn't exactly know her when these feelings started. But she makes him feel almost comfortable, and that's not something he can say about just anyone. Of course he still thinks she's beautiful. He'd have to be blind not to think that. But he doesn't want to date Zoe Murphy like he wanted to in high school.

This may partly have to do with the fact that he really doesn't have a chance. She's not into him. She'll never be into him. He's not a fool.

It also partly has to do with him knowing himself. If he was physically able to ask her out and she said yes, then he'd freak out. He wouldn't know how to talk to her, how to act around her, or how to make her happy. He'd ruin things by being too scared to ruin things. 

He's tried to tell Jared this. It never works. 

"Whatever you say," Jared laughs, picking up his drink.

The second he takes a sip he makes a disgusted face and nearly drops the cup on the table.

"What the fuck?" He looks at the cup like it's done him some great injury.

Evan hears snickering, and turns his head to see that Connor is back at the counter. He doesn't make any attempt to hide is amusement.

"Okay, that is poison," Jared declares.

Evan laughs.

When they leave it's beginning to rain. Jared's heading back to campus, and Evan home. If he walks all the way there without an umbrella, he knows he's going to get a cold. Getting sick is one of the worst things he can do right now, because then his mom will make him stay home to rest, and then he'll get behind in his classes and not know how to ask for help. 

But Jared doesn't offer him a ride and Evan doesn't feel like hearing some bogus excuse for Jared not wanting to go out of his way to drive him. 

"You should have checked the weather forecast," Jared doesn't say this spitefully. Most of the time he can't tell when he's being rude. Evan's not sure if that's for the best or not.

"It's not that long of a walk."

It'll be at least forty minutes. He says goodbye to Jared, and steps out into the rain.

Ten minutes later it's pouring. 

His clothes feel heavy and freezing—every part of him is freezing. He feels hopeless. It's stupid and cliche that it's a rain storm that tips him over the edge, but right now it feels like the sun is never going to come back and no one would give a damn if this rain washed him away. 

"Dear Evan Hansen,” he mutters to himself. "Life kinda sucks right now."

Because it does. Because he let himself entertain thoughts that after graduation he'd suddenly be okay. But time doesn't fix people. People don't get fixed, they just get depressed and wash away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaangst!


	4. A Bird Without Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor tries to be hyperconscious of his surrounds when he’s driving, so it’s from a distance away that he notices Evan Hansen walking on the sidewalk as if he’s not soaked to the bone. Connor’s not going to stop. He doesn’t do that for people, much less people he doesn’t even know. He’s not Alana or his sister.
> 
> Connor is not a nice person. He never has been. He never will be.
> 
> He pulls over along side Evan Hansen.

Connor tends to turn his brain on autopilot when he's at work. Getting a job is probably the only good decision he's made since he left home, even if it is at a coffee shop that is definitely going to go out of business in the next year and has the most fucking emo name he's heard of. Seriously. Who's gonna want to get coffee at a place called Dead Beans?

Not that he's complaining. Beggars can't be choosers and this was the only place far enough away from his college that was hiring. If he works near the campus there's always a chance that someone he knows is going to walk in. He can't deal with people he knows, not when he's supposed to be polite. 

Even if he tries, he's always too high strung and bound to snap at any second. That's how he lost his high school job. In his defense, he had no idea plates shattered that easily. Dead Beans is a safe distance away. At least, that's what he thought until Evan Hansen and Jared fucking Kleinman walked in a few days ago.

A handful of people filter in through his shift, and he's actually decent at making coffee when he wants to be. He spends most of the slow hours on his phone. There isn't any space to do homework, and he honestly doesn't have the drive. He’s never had that for school, probably never will. This was the main reason why he was forced to repeat his final year of high school. Still, he’s managed not to get fired from this job, so that at least proves it won’t affect his “future career” like everyone preaches it will.

Connor’s pulled away from his thoughts when his phone informs him that his mother has texted him. It’s not a monologue this time. Just a simple “hello, sweetie. How are your studies going?” Which of course is meant to segway into a list of things he’s not doing, which, of course, always builds down to “you need to talk to your sister.”

He ignores the text, feeling only slightly guilty. Just because him and Zoe are practically forced to be in the same vicinity, doesn't mean they’re automatically going to become best friends. His parents are stupid if they think that anything has changed. 

Okay, some things may have changed. They can say that’s his fault. After what happened last year things were uncomfortable, but now they’re just awkward. He keeps expecting her to hate him, while she keeps looking at him like some sort of wounded animal. He misses the resentment. That he at least knew what to do with. All the pity does it get on his nerves. Yet, if he retaliates, then he’s the bad guy. For some reason that’s not acceptable anymore. 

His shift ends with the arrival of the overly cheerful Alana Beck. Connor’s not really sure why Alana is working at a coffee shop this far from the campus. He’s pretty sure she knew the owner before getting the job. That would explain why she’s getting paid more than him. That and the fact that she does do more work. 

“Hi, Connor,” Alana beams at him.

He nods back, because he really doesn’t feel like getting stuck in a conversation with her today. Talking to Alana is like downing a cup of sugar. Or pepper? But not in a sexy way (God, no). In a a “shit my mouth is burning and I can’t do anything about because Alana won’t stop talking to me” way.

“I’m gonna head out,” he tells her once she had her apron on.

“Have a nice rest of your day!” she’s probably still beaming. 

Yeah, definitely pepper. The thought reminds him of earlier that day, and he chuckles as he runs to his car. He’s never been a fan of getting caught in the rain.

Connor remembers Jared Kleinman from high school. As asshats come, he’s one of the more honest ones but there are only so many school shooter jokes that Connor can withstand. Connor hates almost everyone from high school, and centrally anyone who tried to talk to him. He can’t remember a single person who spoke words to him that weren’t an insult or facilitated by a teacher. Possibly Alana, but she didn’t count since she talked to literally everyone.

Evan Hansen is a familiar face, but Connor doesn’t think he’s heard him speak until a few days ago. If he remembers correctly the kid was a bit of a loner. The stammering is annoying. Connor has second hand embarrassment nearly every time the guy opens his mouth. Still, at least he doesn’t seem like a jerk. He’s too uncomfortable to be an asshole. Now that is something Connor can relate to (the discomfort not the inability to be a dick).

He probably freaked Evan out last night. In his defense, the kid had it coming for staring like that in the middle of the night. Maybe screaming was a bit of an over reaction. Connor has a tendency to over react. 

* * *

If there is one thing Connor hates (and there is a hell of a lot more that one thing) it’s driving in the rain. He may not be the best driver to begin with, and the constant drum of water on his windows doesn’t help. His vision is obstructed, and how is he supposed to know where he’s going when it’s hard to see? 

Right now it’s pouring and he’s lucky there aren’t that many other cars on the road. He’s never gotten into an accident before, and he doesn’t want to face the consequences of one today. He decides against getting on the freeway to get back to campus. Instead he’ll take the longer and safer way.

The rain almost always make him tired. He considers just sleeping for the rest of the day once he gets back to his dorm. Thankfully it is a dorm that he’s headed to. For a while last year he was afraid his parents were going to make good on their threat to keep him at home. They live near enough to the college that he’d be able to get to an fro without too much delay. He’s pretty sure it was his mother’s decision to let him move out. She had always been more understanding.

Connor tries to be hyperconscious of his surrounds when he’s driving, so it’s from a distance away that he notices Evan Hansen walking on the sidewalk as if he’s not soaked to the bone. Connor’s not going to stop. He doesn’t do that for people, much less people he doesn’t even know. He’s not Alana or his sister.

Connor is not a nice person. He never has been. He never will be.

He pulls over along side Evan Hansen.

Someday he’s going to learn to control his fucking impulses.

Evan gives a little start when he noticed the car. He looks like he thinks he’s about to be kidnapped. Connor can’t help laughing a little at that. The expression doesn’t go away when Connor rolls down the window.

“Need a ride?” he asks.

“No,” Evan shakes his head too quickly. “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

“It’s pouring,” Connor points out.

“I know. Sorry, that sounded rude! I didn’t mean it like that. Thanks for offering, that’s really nice of you but it’s probably out of your way, and I’m fine, really.”

“Bullshit,” Connor states. Evan seems to sense the irritation because he stops himself from uttering another ramble. “Get in the car, Hansen.”

Evan nods and scrambles into the passenger seat. 

"Thank you," he says for the second time. 

Connor grunts, veering back into the road.

"Are you going back to campus?" He asks.

"No," Evan states. "But if you are I can just go there. You don't have to go out of your way. Oh my god, I'm getting this seat wet. I am so sorry. I should have had an umbrella, I mean who doesn't bring an umbrella when it's supposed to rain, right? Oh God, I'm such an idiot."

"Hansen," Connor says a little too loud. Evan's eyes whip to his face, then to his own hands. "It'll dry. Plus it's a shitty car anyways."

Evan lets out a nervous laugh.

"So you're not headed back to campus?" Connor asks again.

"No," Evan shakes his head. "I don't live there. I still live at home. That sounds lame—it is lame. Sorry. You can drop me off anywhere though, I don't mind."

Connor sighs. You'd think someone so bad at talking would learn to just not open their mouth. Evan seems to interpret this as annoyance, and that's not exactly incorrect.

"I'm sorry," he stammers. "It's really, really nice of you to do this, but it's okay if you wanna kick me out or something. Sorry—"

"I'm making a rule that no one is aloud to apologize in this car," Connor blurts.

He hears how stupid it sounds. Evan Hansen hears how stupid it sounds. Then they're both laughing.

"Okay," Evan smiles weakly. 

"Where's your house?" Connor makes his voice as nonthreatening as he can.

"Turn left here," Evan directs. 

Connor does as Evan dictates. For a few minutes neither of them talk. He's never been good at telling the difference between uncomfortable and comfortable silence. It's doubtful that Evan is ever the latter, so this is most likely the former.

"So," Conor clears his throat. "You still live with your parents?"

_Yeah,_ he thinks bitterly, _that's a great way to make the obviously anxious kid not feel self conscious. Nice one, Connor._

"With my mom," Evan tells him in a not exceedingly shaky voice. "She, um, thought it would be better for the first year at least. It's easier to keep tabs on me, I guess."

"That fucking sucks," Connor comments.

"Yeah," Evan laughs nervously. 

"Helicopter parent?" Connor wonders.

"You could say that," Evan shrugs.

"My mom was like that for a bit," Connor attempts to empathize. "Then I think she got distracted."

Or bored.

"Oh," is all Evan says. Connor sees the boy shiver out of the corner of his eye.

"How long were you out there?" He asks, referring to the rain.

"Twenty-five minutes," Evan must have been keeping track.

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Your friend didn't give you a ride?' Connor's not sure why he asks this, since the answer is obvious.

"Jared's a family friend." Evan seems to think that this is explanation enough. "Go right here."

"Got it." Connor flicks on his turn signal. 

"What'd you, um," Connor watches Evan collect his thoughts. "What did you do to his drink?"

Connor chuckles.

"Three teaspoons of sugar," he confesses.

Evan laughs too.

Connor keeps waiting for him to bring up the previous night, but he doesn't. 

It's starting to rain less now, but the sky is still dark. It's normal to find weather depressing, Connor's listened to his mother explain studies on this one too many times. He used to laugh at them. Lack of sunlight doesn't depress him, _he_ depresses him. The rain is just irritating. 

"I think we went to the same high school," Evan informs him.

"I know," Connor says without thinking. "I remember you."

Evan nods. He's back to looking scared. Connor's not sure if the kid's extremely socially awkward, or if he's just scared Connor's going to veer them off the road. It's normal for people to be scared of Connor, he knows that he doesn't exactly radiate a trusting energy. He's never wanted to. 

Fuck other people, he's not going to go out of his way to be nice. It would have been smarter for him to have reminded himself of his before picking up Evan Hansen. At least this action proves he’s not a complete social menace. He has a concept of pity—or whatever emotion was motivating him to let this kid into his car. 

"What's your major?" Evan asks hesitantly. 

"I haven't declared one," Connor answers honestly. 

Connor still has no idea what he wants to do with this life. His parents are disappointed. Zoe's already dead set on music therapy and practically has her whole like planned out, while Connor lets them think he's content waisting it. That's not the whole truth. He'd like to do something, but he'll never be his sister and what's the point in forcing the comparison. 

"Decisions are hard," Evan empathizes. Connor figures he hadn't declared his either. 

"Tell me about it," Connor sighs.

"I know your sister," Evan awkwardly states. 

"Most people do," Connor shrugs off. 

"This is my street."

"Which house?" Connor slows down.

"The brown one," Evan tells him. 

Connor pulls to a stop in front of Evan's drive way.

"Thank you so much," Evan all but chirps.

“It's fine," Connor tries to get out.

"Seriously, thank you, you really didn't have to—"

"Hansen," Connor clears his throat. "You're welcome."

Evan smiles, opening the door. He jumps out of the car to avoid more rain getting inside. Connor wouldn't have really minded. He wasn't kidding when he said it was a shitty car. The only reason he has it in the first place is because his dad didn't want to go through the paper work of selling it to a used car place. That and it gave him less leniency when it came to skipping class last year. No more "I missed the bus" bullshit. 

Connor can see Evan mouth "thank you" from outside the window. He forces a smile before putting the car back in gear. 

As he drives away he wonders why the fuck he did that. 


	5. No One Has to Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I said, who gave you a ride?” Jared seems more interested than annoyed.
> 
> “No one,” Evan replies on instinct. “Well, someone, I mean, no one you know. Yeah.”
> 
> “Do they go here?” Zoe sounds slightly concerned. 
> 
> “I think so.” Is Evan’s voice usually that high? It’s not usually that high…

Evan hasn't been to Dead Beans in the past five days. It's not that he's avoiding it. Okay, he’s kinda avoiding it. But what is he supposed to do? Connor Murphy doesn't make any sense and Evan's instincts is to run when things don't make sense. 

It's not that he doesn't want to talk to Connor again, because he does, it's kinda surprising that he does. The problem is he doesn't know what to say. Is he supposed to acknowledge that Connor saved him from getting pneumonia the other day or would Connor want him not to mention it. Or maybe Connor doesn't want to talk to him, because Evan's kinda a looser, and why would Connor want people to know that he spent time with a looser?

"Evan?"

He comes back to earth when Zoe nudges his arm. They're in the library again. This time Jared did show up. As group project meetings go this is probably one of the worst ones Evan's been a part of productivity wise, but at least he hasn't had a panic attack because he's scared that he's doing too much of the work, or not enough, or that his group members hate him, or that his hands are sweaty and Zoe Murphy can tell, or—

"See, you both say I'm the bad group member, but at least I'm paying attention." Jared remarks. 

"You're still the bad group member," Zoe informs him.

"I made the works cited!" Jared exclaims in his defense. 

"You drew dicks on the poster!" Zoe shoots back.

"How was I supposed to know we were gonna use that?" 

"We're gonna get kicked out of the library," Evan murmurs.

"What's with you and thinking we're gonna get kicked out of literally everywhere?" Jared scoffs.

"Well, you shout literarily everywhere, so yeah."

Zoe laughs, and Evan can admit to himself that it makes him feel good to have been the one to make that happen.

"You didn't even cite this correctly," Zoe tells Jared as she picks up the packet he printed a few minutes prior.

"No one's going to look at it," Jared brushes off. "They'll be too distracted by Evan hyperventilating when it's his turn to talk."

"I'm not going to hyperventilate," Evan knows there isn't a lot of conviction in his voice. 

"I could say your slides if you want?" Zoe offers. 

"No, it's okay," Evan assures her. He shoots a glare at Jared once Zoe's eyes are back on the packet, but Jared just gives him thumbs up. 

Evan realizes that nothing is going to get done today, whether all of them are trying or none are. He does his best to come to terms with the sad truth that he is going to fail History, which is kinda a bummer since if he does poorly in this class he’ll need to do extremely well in everything else to make it up.

“You think it’s raining again?” Zoe wonders. 

“I have an umbrella,” Evan offers to her.

“Yeah, not like the other day,” Jared laughs. “Hey, how did you not get sick from that, anyway?”

“Um, I actually got a ride home, so,” Evan’s not entirely sure why he states this. It may make him look a little less pathetic, but the second the words leave his mouth he knows he’s in trouble.

“Who?” Jared looks baffled by the concept of anyone giving Evan a ride. Even Zoe has a curious expression on her face, so there goes any hope that she hasn’t realized how sad his life is. 

The problem is he can’t say it was Connor. If he does then theres a chance Zoe will say something to him, she is his sister after all. Or, even worse, Jared will say something obnoxious while they’re at the coffee shop. Then Connor will think that Evan’s talking behind his back or something bad like that. It’s not like he and Connor are friends, Connor was just doing a random act of kindness, which now that Evan thinks of is kinda weird since he got the sense from both Jared and Zoe that Connor was some sort of punk who hates everyone. 

They probably would know better than Evan, but the other day Connor seemed nice in a “life sucks” kind of way. He didn’t have to rescue Evan. Truthfully, Evan’s not sure he himself would have done that for someone he didn’t know, and—

He’s spacing out.

“What?” He looks from Jared to Zoe.

“I said, who gave you a ride?” Jared seems more interested than annoyed.

“No one,” Evan replies on instinct. “Well, someone, I mean, no one you know. Yeah.”

“Do they go here?” Zoe sounds slightly concerned. 

“I think so.” Is Evan’s voice usually that high? It’s not usually that high…

“Then I might know them,” Zoe states. 

“I’m not sure,” Evan’s always been very, very bad at faking casual tones. 

“But you didn’t have a ride when you left,” Jared reminds him. 

“They, um,” Evan can’t even think of a lie. “They saw me walking, and pulled over.”

Jared blinks.

“But it’s really not a big deal,” Evan coughs. “Just a random act of kindness kind of thing, you know?”

“Evan, you didn’t just get into a stranger’s car, did you?” Zoe asks slowly.

“No,” Evan says quickly. “No, I know him.”

“Him?” Jared’s smirking. Evan doesn’t trust that smirk.

“Yeah.” Evan wonders what the chances are of the ceiling caving in. 

“So, was this guy like _into you_ or—”

“No, I don’t think that was it,” Evan cuts Jared off.

“Hey, I always thought that you might be gay—”

“Seriously, not what happened, Jared.” Evan nearly shouts.

“Maybe we should get back to the project?” Zoe suggests.

“Right,” Evan exclaims. “I mean, yeah, you’re right.”

Zoe presses her lips together. It takes him a second to realize she’s trying very hard not to laugh. He doesn’t mind. He’s mentally sending her a thousand “thank you”s for changing the subject.

* * *

“I don’t see why you can’t just tell me.”

Jared starts pestering Evan as soon as they leave the library. Evan hadn’t wanted to go to Dead Beans afterwards, but he was afraid that Jared would make the connection between Connor and Evan’s mysterious ride home if he didn’t agree. He wishes Zoe had come with them, if only so she could help him keep the conversation way from this subject.

“It’s not a big deal,” Evan feels like this was the hundredth time he’d said this. 

When they walk into the cafe, it’s not Alana who’s at the register. Evan’s not sure if this means he has rotten or great luck. Connor doesn’t look up when the door opens, so maybe he won’t take much notice to them.

“I’m just saying, if some random person abducted me—”

Evan see’s Connor look up at those words (because Jared doesn’t know what inside voices are), and Evan whips his gaze away from the register.

“No one abducted me,” Evan hisses. 

“Then tell me a name and I’ll shut up.” Jared offers.

“But you won’t,” Evan knows Jared well enough.

“I might,” Jared seems to consider it. “Okay, I won’t. But you should still tell me.”

“Do you want anything?” Evan gestures to the register. “I’ll buy it if you drop the subject.”

“Fine,” Jared replies, momentarily appeased. 

Evan feels like his feet are on autopilot when he walks to the front of the cafe. He doesn’t look Connor in the eye when he gets there, then he realizes how stupid he probably looks and forces his gaze up. To his relief Connor’s expression isn’t irritated.

“Same as last time?” Connor asks.

“If you could minimize the sugar poison, that’d be great,” Evan tries to joke.

“Right,” Connor picks up the first cup.

Evan knows he should probably say something. He already thanked Connor a lot. Connor got annoyed when he apologized a lot, so maybe that wasn’t the best idea. Still, he had to say something more than just his drink order. 

“Hi.”

He’d be fine with just curling up and dying right now.

Connor looks at him. Evan expects vexation, but he’s just met with confusion. Then Connor nods as if Evan said something that made sense.

“Did you get a cold?” Connor asks as he picks up the second cup.

“No,” Evan shakes his head. “I feel great. Thanks.”

The corners of Connor’s mouth tug upwards for a second. The smile is gone as soon as it comes, but it’s effect doesn’t vanish so quickly. It’s different than his sisters, far more subtle. But Evan gets the feeling that Connor doesn’t give his smile away like Zoe can. Connor’s smile is reserved, small but special. And, even though it was for a fraction of a moment, it makes every other attractive feature of him so much more cute.

Evan shuffles to the side. 

He didn’t just think that Connor Murphy was _cute_. Connor “bad news” Murphy isn’t cute. He’s attractive, Evan can admit that even if he’s not attracted to Connor. Because he’s not. He’d know if he was, right? He doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about sexuality, but he can’t remember ever being attracted to another guy. Then again, he can’t remember being attracted to anyone who wasn’t Zoe. 

Dear god, that’s so creepy—going from being unrequitedly in love with Zoe to checking out her brother. Evan’s not checking Connor out. He noticed Connor’s hair the other day because it’s impossible not to. He noticed the smile because Connor smiled at him. It’s possible to notice someone’s handsome and not be attracted to them, right? 

“Evan Hansen?” Connor gets his attention as he sets the two drinks down.

“Right,” Evan sputters. “Thanks.”

Connor shrugs, then goes back to whatever he was doing before Evan walked in.

Okay, Evan sighs to himself. He may find Connor Murphy a little bit attractive. 

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Have you ever notice how cafe's always have that one person that everyone thinks is cute (well, of course you have because you're me so if you hand't then that wouldn't have made any sense. But you know what I mean—I know what I mean?) and that kinda subconsciously makes you keep going back to buy stuff because you know you don't have a chance with this person but at the same time maybe they'll notice you if you keep coming back? I think there's a YA book about this. Actually I'm not sure._

_Anyway, I don't think that's what Dead Beans had in mind when they hired Connor. Not that he’s not attractive or anything, because he is, but it's not in a conventional way. Or maybe it is, and everyone else also thinks he's cute and I just don't understand attraction._

_He's not cute. Well, he is, but I just feel like that word's demeaning or something. Also he has this whole exterior that makes it weird to call him that because he'd probably think it's insulting. Is handsome a better word?_

_Dear god, this is so embarrassing. How am I going to show this to Dr. Sherman?_

_I'm kind just writing this because I need to process thoughts. It's not like I have a thing for Connor. I don't really know him, so that would just be weird. It'd be creepy, and I'm trying to not be creepy._

_Anyway, I don't really know what to think about him. I wish I payed more attention to other people in high school. I was too busy trying to blend into the wall while also wishing someone would talk to me. What I'm trying to say is that people keep acting like there's something wrong with him, but he seems nice._

_Aside from putting sugar in Jared's drink. But that was kinda funny._

_Can you try to figure this out before I talk to him again? That might make it less awkward. Or more. I don't know._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To check for spelling errors I get my computer to read each chapter to me, and I'm finding it more and more funny to hear a robotic British voice say "Sincerely, Me"


	6. Skin and Bone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today is not a going to be a good day.

_Today is not a going to be a good day._

Evan feels like all of his blood has been replaced with carbonated water. The sun is too bright, it's as if the light is trying to pound him into puddle. He can breath a bit better now, but that's not that a huge of an accomplishment. 

Never in his life has Evan liked being called on during class. He was able to avoid it for the most part in high school, because most of his teachers knew about his anxiety. At the beginning of the semester his mother told him that he needed to advocate for himself. Only, that meant going to every one of his teachers and telling them how bad his anxiety was. The situation itself is sort of ironic. 

He'd been able to get this far without any problems. He usually sits in the back of the class, and doesn't make eye contact when a question is asked. Today wasn't any different. He figures he was just the first person that his professor saw. Or maybe it looked like he was spacing out and they wanted to make sure he was paying attention. 

Now he doesn't even remember what the question was. He's pretty sure he knew the answer. He at least knew an answer. That probably would have been acceptable were he able to get it out. But words are hard to form when you're put on the spot, and the more he stumbled the hard it was to breath and ignore that his heart turned into a broken sledge hammer.

Then the words came out to fast and jumbled. His professor had to cut him off from babbling to move on with the lecture. People laughed and whispered things not quietly enough. The hardest part was the feeling of everyone in the room staring at him. Eyes cutting through his exterior and revealing mess that he is. That feeling burned, and refused to leave even when the moment was over.

Evan's startled back to earth when his phone rings. He glances at the caller ID before answering. It's his mom. That doesn't sooth his already tightly wound nerves. 

She knows that phone calls are almost as bad as texting for him, sometimes even more so because they can be prolonged and at least text conversations usually get to the point. She only calls him if there's an emergency. The only possible one he can think of has been lurking in his fears for a few days now. 

Evan tries to convince himself that his father has no reason to contact either of them, and what happened the other day was some sort of mistake. 

Doing his best to keep his breath steady, he clicks the answer button.

"Hi, Mom," he says into the receiver. 

"Hey, honey," she sounds apologetic already. 

He should have told her his father called him the other day. She would have wanted to know, and he knows she hates it when he keeps things from her, but he didn't want her to get worried. She worries about him so much, and he knows he doesn't do a good job of expelling the need for that, but he's trying, and if he told her then she's see how much it agitated him, and—

"I'm going to be a little late coming home tonight," she says. 

"Oh." He's so relieved he doesn't mind.

"There are leftovers in the fridge, why don't you just warm that up when you're hungry?" She suggests.

"Yeah," he nods even though she cant see him. "Yeah, I'll do that."

"Unless you have plans with your friends?" Theres too much hope in her voice.

"No, I don’t." He doesn't have friends, but she doesn't need to hear about how nothing has changed for him. 

"I'll see you later tonight," she's trying to sound positive. 

"Yeah," he replies. "See you then."

"I love you."

"Love you."

She hangs up first. 

* * *

Taking the bus was a bad idea, but Evan thought that he was too weak to make the walk home. Three minutes into being crowed into the small space and feels like his skin is trying to crawl off of him convinces him that he prefers fainting. He gets off on the first stop, not caring that the third is the closest to his house. 

It's only after he's stumbled off that he realizes he's outside of Dead Beans. That makes sense, the bus doesn't exactly go in a straight route. He desperately wants to just walk home from here, but the sun is still assaulting him and he knows that the walk is going to be hell if he doesn't at least drink a glass of water. Maybe he can suffer through interacting with Alana or Connor if it means he won't die of dehydration.

The second he steps inside he knows it's a mistake. 

He has never seen the cafe this crowded before.

And it gets worse. It's the same stomach churning feeling he had in class and on the bus, only now he feels like it's wrapping itself around him. He's being strangled.

He wants to run, but that's not gonna help. He doesn't want to break right now. He doesn't want to look like the mess he is. Because he thought it was getting better. Maybe not incredibly better, but at least a little bit. 

He remembers last summer. This feels like last summer. He wants to throw up.

Connor is looking at him. He makes eye contact with Connor. It doesn't help.

Connor Murphy is supposed to be the sort of person who pities no one. His entire facade radiates indifference, yet he stopped to help Evan. Because Evan is that pathetic. He's so incredibly hopeless that even Connor Murphy feels bad for him.

His phone rings. It jolts him, and he scrambles to pull it out of his pocket and hit the answer button. He hopes his mother won't be able to hear the panic in his voice.

"Evan?"

Only it's not his mother. It's a voice he hasn't heard in years. This is what he gets for being to frazzled to look at the caller ID. His shaky, sweaty finger presses the end call button. That doesn't make the furious rush go away. 

His blood isn't carbonated water. It's gasoline and his phone is a match. He's about to explode.

His feet carry him in the direction of the bathroom. He remembers the code from coming there with Jared once. 

Everyone is watching him. 

They're watching him stumble down the hallway. They're watching his trembling fingers press the wrong number and have to start all over again. They're watching his arms nearly give way as they pry open the door. They're still watching him even as the door is shut. They're watching through the walls, and they see him fall onto the cold title, and they hear his broken sobs, and they don't feel bad for him anymore because why should they?

They're judging him. Connor Murphy is judging him. He's wondering why on earth he waisted his attention on someone as pathetic as Evan, and Evan can't blame him. 

He can't blame Connor for judging him, or Jared for not wanting to be seen with him, or Zoe for never noticing him, or his mom for being to busy and too tired, or his dad for leaving. 

All he can blame is himself because it's his fault he couldn't be fixed. 

* * *

After the third person complains about the bathroom being full, Connor stops hiding the fact that he's fucking pissed off. The annoying customers are the number one reason why it's better for Alana to have the rush hour shifts. She thrives off of this shit, while he contemplates if throwing a coffee mug at the loud mouthed woman who's wearing far too much lipstick will get him fired. 

He's pissed at Evan Hansen for spending twenty fucking minutes in the cafe's bathroom and he's pissed at these people for getting mad about it. What the fuck do they expect Connor to do? It's not like he can just walk in and pull Evan out!

Okay, technically he could, since he has the master key, but he’s not fucking going to.

The annoyed customers filter out when they understand that he has enough standers to not barge into what-the-fuck-ever Evan is doing. Connor glances at his phone. It’s been thirty minutes. 

Slowly realization begins to sink in. Evan Hansen seemed like an over anxious person. Connor has assumed that was because Connor was, well, himself. It’s been a while since he’s talked to someone he doesn’t make anxious. He had figured that Evan was just uncomfortable being around him. What if what Connor assumed was discomfort was something more serious? The distress on Evan’s face before he ran into the hallway flashes through his mind.

His father’s right, Connor is an idiot. 

Conor doesn’t know what to do. It’s already been thirty minutes. That’s too long for anyone to be alone in that state, but it’s not like he can abandon the cashier. He’ll loose his job if he does.

Alana walks into the store as if his turmoil cued her. 

“Something wrong?” she asks, reading his expression.

“Yeah,” he tells her. 

He’s not going to say the whole truth. Alana probably knows Evan—Alana knows everyone—and he doubts Evan would want her to know he had a break down in a public bathroom. Connor wouldn’t were he in Evan’s shoes.

“My friend is sick in the bathroom,” he lies. “I’m gonna get him out through the back door, can you make sure no one comes down the hallway?”

“Of course,” she nods, concern coloring her face.

“Great,” he nods, grabbing the master key before leaving her at the register.

Connor knocks on the door first. 

“Hansen?” he calls tentatively. “It’s me, are you okay in there?”

It’s a stupid question. Evan’s been there for thirty minutes, he’s obviously not okay. Connor knocks again, this time louder.

“Evan?” He tries. “If you don’t answer me, I’m coming in.”

He doesn’t hear anything.

Taking a breath, he shoves the key he didn’t want to use into the lock and opens the door. The bathroom is relatively large and relatively clean—thank god—but right now it feels like the walls are about to close in on them. Evan’s in the corner farthest from the door. His head is in his hand. He’s too agitated to hear the door open but he flinches when it slams closed. Connor was too distracted to stop that. 

Evan pulls his head up in a jerky motion. His eyes are red and his face his wet from tears. Conor’s never witnessed another person have a panic attack, or dealt with the aftermath. He's suddenly hyper aware of every move he makes. 

“Hey,” he takes a step towards Evan. 

He doesn’t know what to say. What the hell is he supposed to say? Evan’s staring at him. Also clearly at a loss for words. Or he might not be able to talk. It’s been like that for Connor before. Not that anyone’s walked in on Connor in the middle of one of his break downs.

He walks to where Evan is sitting, kneeling in front of him. 

“I’m sorry,” Evan starts, and everything he says comes out a mile a minute. “Oh God, how long have I been in here? It’s been a long time. I’m sorry. I didn’t think this was going to happen. You’re mad, of course you’re mad, I shouldn’t be in here for ages, that’s weird, I’m sorry, I meant to leave, I’m sorry, you’re not in trouble because I didn’t leave, are you? Because you can tell them that it’s my fault and you don’t know me—”

“Hansen,” Connor puts his hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Shut up for a second, okay?”

Evan nods.

“No one is mad at you, just try to breath,” he instructs. 

Evan nods again. He looks terrified. God, Connor is shit at this.

“Deep breaths,” Connor says as gently as he can. “In. Hold. Out. Hold.”

He’s not sure how long he does this. Eventually, Evan’s not hyperventilating anymore. Connor takes that as a victory. 

Calming down seems to bring Evan’s awareness back to him, and suddenly he’s crying again. He puts his face on his knees. Connor’s hand is still on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” Evan murmurs. 

“It’s okay,” Connor shushes him. “Can you help me get you out of here?”

Evan slowly pulls his head up and mutely nods. Connor stands first, offering Evan a hand. He expects to have the pull him up, but Evan only uses him for guidance. Connor slings the bag Evan must have flung across the room over his shoulder.

“My car’s in the parking lot,” Connor tells him. “We can use the back door, no one will see you.”

Evan nods again.

Connor grabs hold of Evan’s arm. It’s not as intimate as grabbing his hand, hopefully that will make it less uncomfortable, but he’s not entirely sure Evan will make it to the car if he doesn’t lead him. 

They walk, slowly but surely. The universe must have realized it owes Connor one, because there isn’t anyone around to witness this. When they reach the car, Connor throws Evan’s bag into the back seat. He realizes that the bathroom key is still in his pocket, but he can wait until the next day to put it back. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Evan alone. 

“Thank you,” Evan looks more coherent now. “You really didn’t have to do that.”

“I know,” Connor replies. “I mean, people were complaining about that bathroom being full so I sort of had to.”

“Right,” Evan looks at his hands.

Connor wants to pound his head into the dash board.

“That was actually a really, really fucked up attempt of a joke,” Connor states. “I’m not good at this.”

“No, you’re amazing,” Evan seems to hear what he’s blurted only after he says it. “I mean, I don’t mean you’re amazing, I mean you are, just not like you know amazing amazing, if that makes any sense. It doesn’t. Sorry.”

“What’d I say about apologizing in here?” Connor says cheekily. This at least earns a small smile.

“No one’s ever done that for me before,” Evan murmurs. 

“Me neither,” Connor feels how heavy the words are. Evan looks at him as if he’s encouraging him to go on. “I’ve been where you were just now before. It’s probably for completely different reasons, and it might not even feel the same, but for what it’s worth I understand. Life is shit, and everyone tells you it’s going to get better but sometimes it fucking doesn’t.”

“Yeah,” Evan nods sadly. “Fuck life.”

“Holy shit,” Connor gapes at him.

“What?”

“Nothing, you just didn’t strike me as the kind of person to swear,” Connor admits. 

“I’m not,” Evan sounds slightly self-conscious.

“Fuck life,” Connor agrees. 

Evan laughs. It sounds a little broken, but still genuine. 

“I don’t completely remember where you live,” Connor says as he puts the car in gear.

“It’s alright,” Evan stammers. “I can call my mom, if it’s inconvenient—”

“It’s not,” Connor says sternly. “Plus, I want to make sure you get home alright.”

“Why?” Evan isn’t just asking about the car ride.

“Because no one helps me.” For the first time Connor understands why he’s going out of his way to be nice to this kid. “And it sucks, and it shouldn’t have to suck for everyone, you know?”

“Yeah,” Evan smiles at him. “I think I get it.”

* * *

After seeing Evan Hansen safely home, Connor drives back to his dorm. He doesn’t have anything better to do, and since his parents paid for him not to have a roommate he doesn’t have a reason to stay out. It’s only as he’s parking that he notices a folded piece of paper on one of the back seats. 

It probably fell out of Evan’s bag. That would make the most sense, considering Evan’s the only other person who’s been in his car. There’s a chance it’s private, so he should probably wait until he sees Evan again and just give it back. Opening it would defiantly be the wrong thing to do. Then again, Connor did make it clear that he was not a nice person.

Feeling only a minuscule shred of guilt, reaches back and snatches up the paper. Smoothly he unfolds it and is met with a typed letter. 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Have you ever notice how cafe's always have that one person that everyone thinks is cute_

Connor reads the letter in a second. Then he reads it again to make sure that he hasn’t hallucinated it’s contents. In a daze he folds it back up and tucks it in his pocket. 

He’s fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy


	7. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Connor,” Evan calls out before he realizes what he’d doing.
> 
> Since he’s pretty much stuck after that, he moves forward to meet the guy. This is a mistake. The Connor standing in front of him is not the same Connor he was with the day before. This Connor’s eyes are hollow, and his face is twisted into a permanent scowl.
> 
> A scowl that soften slightly when his gaze lands on Evan.
> 
> “Hey,” his voice is devoid of emotion.

The next day Evan is not alright, but he feels better than the day before and that counts for something. He was able to calm down and warm up some food before his mom got home. Over the years he’s learned how to hide breakdowns from her. It’s better that way. She’ll only worry and not be able to focus on work or school. The downside is not having someone there with him when everything is too much. He thought he was used to that.

Oddly enough, Connor Murphy makes a little bit more sense. Evan still can’t completely wrap his head around why he’s the subject of Connor trying to do right. That’s probably not the best way to explain what Connor told him in the car. He doesn’t feel like a charity case. If someone else had said that, he knows he might. But when Connor did it felt real, when he said he understood Evan believed him. It’s kinda scary.

Another thing that’s scary is that Evan’s missing his most embarrassing letter. He’s not sure where he lost it. Probably in the bathroom, but he can’t be sure. The problem is that it has his name on it—it has his and Connor’s names on it. He doesn’t want the wrong person to see it. That just might ruin his life.

But he’s trying not to think about it.

He’s trying. And failing.

If it fell out in the bathroom, he shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Someone will see it and then throw it away, and it no one will ever read it.

This reminds him of the time he left a drawing in his school’s bathroom in third-grade. It wasn’t all embarrassing, but it had his name on it, and younger him had thought it was the end of the world once he realized that was where it must have disappeared. He remembers freaking out. His mom had asked him if it was an important drawing. It wasn’t. Some how he was able to articulate that. Then she explained that the janitor most likely threw it away.

That’s how this was going to end. Someone would clean the bathroom and it would get tossed aside. Right?

Evan’s still trying not to think about this while he’s walking to his first class the next day. At least he is until his eyes catch sight long brown hair and a grey hoodie.

“Connor,” Evan calls out before he realizes what he’d doing.

Since he’s pretty much stuck after that, he moves forward to meet the guy. This is a mistake. The Connor standing in front of him is not the same Connor he was with the day before. This Connor’s eyes are hollow, and his face is twisted into a permanent scowl.

A scowl that soften slightly when his gaze lands on Evan.

“Hey,” his voice is devoid of emotion.

“I,” Evan’s throat is suddenly dry. “I just wanted to say thank you. Again. For yesterday.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Connor shrugs off.

“It kinda is,” Evan murmurs. “To me.”

“How are you feeling?” Connor’s voice takes on a different tone.

“Better,” Evan states.

“That’s good.”

He can’t read Connor’s expression. He’s not sure he wants to be in this conversation anymore. He likes work Connor and rescuer Connor, but maybe school Connor isn’t supposed to be his friend.

“I should get to class,” Evan can hear how awkward he sounds. “Nice seeing you.”

“You too,” Connor sounds more confused than genuine.

Evan smiles, then turns away. He hopes it doesn’t look like he’s running, but he kinda is.

* * *

Connor is really fucked. But it's not his fault that Evan Hansen is beautiful and it only took him this long and the thought that Evan may find him "cute" to realize.

It's not healthy. He keeps telling himself this. He's only drawn to Evan after what happened the day before. There's something wrong about that. It's sick, like he's romanticizing Evan's pain. Then again, since when has he been the picture of perfect mental health? It's a bad joke.

He doesn't really know Evan, and all he's seen of him are imperfect moments. All he's done is try to help, which means that he's only seen the part of Evan that needs help. He doesn't want to be attracted to that.

At least he's only realized it now. It's not like that was his motivator. He wasn't lying when he told Evan that he'd been where Evan was. Still, he'd like to think that he'd had more control. In reality, it was probably the opposite and he'd let himself think that by torturing himself and everyone around him he could gain a shred of it. In the end he hadn't managed this. He'd just hurt himself and only himself.

Okay, that wasn't completely true. But he wasn't going to dwell on that right now. Instead he'd dwell on Evan Hansen and his fucking perfect face.

It might just be hormones or Connor’s reaction to a less restricted environment. Maybe it just took him this long to realize that his parents weren't around to be disappointed by his sexuality. But, this doesn't feel completely sexual. It's not like the other guys that he's wanted to fuck. Not that he doesn't want to fuck Evan. He thinks he does. Actually, he hasn't really thought about that. He's just thought about Evan's lips and how he'd like to touch them.

Yeah, he'll blame it on hormones for now. It's just a chemical reaction.

Reading that letter was what sparked it. Entertaining the idea that someone could find him appealing. Connor knows that he's handsome, but he didn't think that anyone would be able to see it. He covers whatever looks he has with the attitude that drives everyone away. But he hadn't tried to do that to Evan. He'd just tried to help him.

It's fucked up. He's fucked up. Evan Hansen is significantly less fucked up.

Panic attack aside, this kid still had his sanity. Connor doesn’t. Not to mention, he’s done a pretty fucking good job of hurting everyone who he claimed to love before.

He really doesn't want to deal with these emotions right now.

He can't tell if it's fortunate or not that second's later his thought process is cut off by him nearly walking into his sister.

"Hey," she looks likes she's surprised to see him.

They haven't spoken in weeks. He doubts bumping into her now in unintentional. Still, he won't say anything. If she's going to pretend it's an accident he'll let her.

"Hi," he says to her.

It's awkward. More awkward than talking to Evan Hansen. He's shit at talking to her like they don't hate each other. Because apparently they don't anymore. She was the one who decided that, not him.

This wouldn't be such a problem if their parents hadn't insisted on them attending the same school. He's put up a fight about it, but she hadn't seemed to care. She didn't think he'd graduate. In the end the thought of repeating another year had deemed less appealing. Turns out last ditch efforts aren't that rewarding. The problem is now he has to put intention into avoiding her.

"Where are you headed?" She asks. It's like they're strangers.

"Science," he states.

"You're not skipping?" She attempts to joke. He's surprised she remembers he hates that subject. Then again, he hates most subjects.

"I do that less now," he doesn't mean it to sound defensive.

"Right," she nods. "That's good."

"I guess."

"Mom will be happy," she adds. He cringes at the thought of their parents talking about his school habits.

"She's happy I haven't dropped out yet," he shrugs off.

Zoe doesn't know what to say to that. He's not gonna help. He watches her purse her lips. She's close to trying. It's the thought that counts when it comes to putting up with Connor.

"Are you going home this weekend?" She asks.

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"Mom wants you to," she states.

"Mom talks to you about me," he doesn't have the energy to be annoyed.

"Not a lot," she tries to minimize.

"Whatever," he sighs. "Yeah, I'll come home. It's only for two days."

She grins. He can't tell if it's forced.

"You mind giving me a ride?" She asks.

He shrugs.

"I need to get to class," she doesn't know how to leave.

"See you," he says as if she's some random classmate he doesn't really know. As she's turning away, he's compelled to add: "You know, we don't have a restraining order."

To him this means that he'll tolerate her if she wants him to. She glances back, smiling again. She gets it.

"Maybe I'll visit you at work," she decides. "Dead Beans, right?"

"Yeah." He didn't realize she knew this. “You don’t get a discount.”

“Honestly, Connor, I expect you to charge me extra.” She deadpans.

“Good idea,” he retorts.

She rolls her eyes.

“I’ll text you Saturday morning,” she lets him know.

“Okay,” he shrugs. “Warn Dad.”

“He’ll be happy,” she brushes off.

Connor doubts that.

“Fine,” she’s trying to compromise. “I will.”

He watches her go. He kind of wants to skip class, but he’ll go just so he’s a little but less of a liar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like every time I write Connor and Zoe the relationship is different.


	8. Before This Ship Goes Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's okay to talk to me at school," Connor speaks once Evan seems to have run out of fuel.
> 
> "Really?"
> 
> Connor doesn't get why it's such a surprise. Does Evan really thinks he'd embarrass Connor of all people. Connor, who used to be known as the future school shooter. 
> 
> "Yeah," Connor says out loud. "I just had a lot on my mind today."
> 
> By a lot he means Evan. This boy is the only thing he's been able to think about for the entire day.
> 
> "Oh," Evan looks a little happier. 
> 
> This is what motivates Connor to do something stupid. He pauses until Evan moves to the side to wait for his drink, then, sharpie still in hand, he scribbles his number at the bottom of the cup. Because why the fuck not? He knows where this guy lives, he might as well give him a way to contact him. 
> 
> It's not because he’s entertaining false hopes that this will eventually lead to Evan letting him kiss him. No. That is not it at all.

Connor's shift starts seconds before Evan Hansen walks into the cafe. If that small part of his brain that still believes in being whimsical dares to call it fate he swears to god he will slam his head on the counter. Alana's overly nice and usually stays a few minutes longer than needed whenever she has a shift before him. Connor takes this opportunity to slip the bathroom key back into the counter drawer.

He listens to Alana say hello to Evan. It's not that surprising that they know each other. He watches as Alana starts chattering. Evan's nodding, clearly unsure of how to exit the conversation. 

Connor would be lying if he said the sight wasn't kind of amusing. Evan Hansen and Alana Beck are the same type of odd at opposite ends of a spectrum. Seeing them interact is interesting. Since he's not that cruel, he cuts in.

"I'm about set here, if you wanna head out," he taps Alana on the shoulder.

"Great," she says brightly to him. "It was nice talking to you Evan."

"You too," Evan stammers.

Connor finds that ironic since he doubts Evan got a word in and probably wouldn't have even if Connor hadn't interrupted. He should keep a tally of the amount of times he ends up saving this kid. It's becoming a weird habit. Not that he minds. 

"Hi, again," Evan doesn't do a good job of making the words sound natural. 

Nope, he doesn't mind at all.

"The usual?" Connor asks, he doesn't see Kleinman at any of the table's and assumes Evan would just want a hot chocolate. 

"Yeah," Evan nods.

Connor picks up the cup.

"Sorry about earlier," Evan blurts.

Connor looks up, not following. Evan takes the hint.

"It's just," Evan starts. "That was weird right? Me coming up to you at school and all. And you looked kinda mad—sorry, that sounds really, mean! You didn't look that mad! I should have asked if it was okay to talk to you at school, because I totally get it if it's not."

"It's okay to talk to me at school," Connor speaks once Evan seems to have run out of fuel.

"Really?"

Connor doesn't get why it's such a surprise. Does Evan really thinks he'd embarrass Connor of all people. Connor, who used to be known as the future school shooter. 

"Yeah," Connor says out loud. "I just had a lot on my mind today."

By a lot he means Evan. This boy is the only thing he's been able to think about for the entire day.

"Oh," Evan looks a little happier. 

This is what motivates Connor to do something stupid. He pauses until Evan moves to the side to wait for his drink, then, sharpie still in hand, he scribbles his number at the bottom of the cup. Because why the fuck not? He knows where this guy lives, he might as well give him a way to contact him. 

It's not because he’s entertaining false hopes that this will eventually lead to Evan letting him kiss him. No. That is not it at all.

He tries not to stare when he puts the cup down. That’s a for sure way to make everything awkward. Instead he pointedly trains his gaze on the door. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Evan pick up the cup. A confused expression comes over Evan’s face. Connor quickly tries to look busy when Evan glances his way. 

He doesn’t know what he expects, but Evan doesn’t say anything. He just takes the drink and leaves. 

Connor’s not disappointed. Not at all. 

He’s also not shit at lying to himself. Not at all.

* * *

Evan officially doesn’t know how to text. Before he was bad at it. Scratch that, before he was terrible at it, but now all of that terrible but still existing knowledge is gone. Right now he is illiterate. 

He was able to plug the number Connor wrote on the coffee cup into his phone. Said coffee cup was sitting on his nightstand. He felt like the cup was staring at him, daring him to mess up. 

But what is there to mess up? Connor gave him his number, so clearly Connor wants to talk to him, right? Plus, he knows about Evan’s anxiety—even though Evan didn’t exactly explain that was the cause of his break down—so therefore, he should expect Evan to be awkward, right?

Evan’s going to do it. He’s going to say something and he’s not going to regret it. 

_hi_

Evan resents hitting the send button as soon his finger leaves it. 

He puts his phone down on his bed. He’ll just distract himself with something until Connor responds. Then he’ll worry about how to have a conversation when he can’t see Connor’s face, and it’s not like he’s any good at talking to Connor when he _can_ see his face, and why on earth did he think this was a good idea?

Evan spends the next twenty minutes doing homework and wondering why Connor hasn’t texted him back in twenty minutes. Then he realizes Connor must still be at work. Why didn’t he think of that and wait until he was sure Connor wouldn’t still be at Dead Beans.

What if Connor thinks that Evan thinks he’s lazy because he expects him to text him back while he’s at work? Then he’ll feel insulted, then he won’t want to talk to Evan anymore, then he’ll tell Alana—or Zoe—about the other day and how Evan is a complete—

“Whatcha doing?” 

Evan nearly jumps. He thinks his mother might have teleportation powers, because he’s never able to hear her walk into his doorway until she wants him too. 

“Just homework,” he answers. 

“Need any help?” she walks into the room and sits on his bed next to his open text book.

“No, I think I got it,” he tells her. “Thanks.”

“School’s going well then?” she sounds so hopeful.

“Yeah,” he nods.

“How’s that group project going?” 

He told her about it when it was first assigned, not mentioning that he’s pretty sure all three of them are going to fail because they’re very bad at completing quality work.

“Good,” he lies. 

“That’s good,” she smiles. 

He tries to think of something positive to tell her. He has to say something or else she’ll realize that school isn’t going well, and that he isn’t okay, and that he doesn’t know what to do about it. He wants to tell her about the phone call he got the other day, but he can’t. He knows he can’t. Because he knows it’s going to hurt her. He’s too much of a burden anyway. He’s not going to add this to the long list of reasons why he’s dragging her down.

Then his phone vibrates. The word “hey” and Connor’s name light up the screen. 

“Who’s that?” his mom asks.

“Just,” Evan searches his mind for a simple way to describe Connor. “A friend from school.”

A huge smile breaks across his mother’s face. Evan realizes he’s stuck.

“I didn’t know you had a friend at school,” she beams.

“Yeah,” Evan murmurs.

“Honey, I didn’t mean it like that,” she brushes her fingers over his hair. “See, I was right, everything gets easier once high school’s over.”

“Yeah,” Evan lies.

“What’s his name? Or her name, you know what I mean,” she laughs.

“He,” Evan confirms. “His name is Connor.”

“Tell me about him,” she prompts. 

Evan doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t actually know if Connor and he are friends in the first place. He doesn’t really know anything about Connor. Everything he does know he’s inferred from Zoe or Jared. Connor himself has barely told him anything, except for that he knew what it felt like to be in pain. 

“He, uh, works at this coffee shop I go to,” Evan starts. His mother nods encouragingly. “He’s really nice. But a lot of people don’t think he is.”

“You’ve never been one to judge.” Pride radiates from her voice.

“I,” Evan’s not sure how to say this. “The other day, I wasn’t feeling good. It wasn’t a big deal or anything, but Connor noticed and he helped. He helped even though he didn’t have to.”

“I can’t wait to meet him.”

Evan realizes that he wants her to. He wants to spend more time with Connor. Maybe this is just because he’s not used to having a friend—he shouldn’t call Connor that. He still doesn’t know what Connor’s thinking. But, he kind of wants to find out, and that’s nice. It’s nicer than he thought it would be.

* * *

Connor was sitting in his car. Fifteen minutes ago, Connor texted Evan “hey.” Since he had to wait twenty minutes before he could respond, the delay was expected. The response wasn’t.

_help_

Connor doesn’t freak out often. Okay, that’s a lie. Connor doesn’t freak out easily. But, this from Evan is enough to set worry into over drive. Since, he’s a fucking idiot, his first thought is that Evan is dying. Without a second’s hesitation, he calls Evan. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks immediately.

“Nothing,” Evan sounds utterly frazzled. “Sorry, that probably sounded like there’s an emergency. There isn’t. Sorry. You didn’t have to call, I made that confusing. I’m fine.”

“Evan,” Connor speaks slowly. “Why are you hyperventilating?”

“I’m not,” Evan chirps. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop fucking apologizing,” Connor doesn’t mean for the irritation to seep through his voice. 

“I can’t do phone calls,” Evan states. “They’re just really hard because I can’t see your face, so I don’t know if you’re mad at me. You sound like you are, sorry—I mean. This is hard.”

“I’m not mad,” Connor assures him. “Actually, I’m smiling right now.”

“Really?” Evan sounds relieved.

“Yes,” Connor replies. “Now I might be smirking.”

Evan laughs nervously.

“Why did you text ‘help?’” Connor asks.

“Oh,” Evan’s voice is tight again. “This is going to sound really sad.”

“My life sounds really sad,” Connor replies.

“That was so emo,” Evan informs him.

“I’m so emo,” Connor retorts. “And I’m still smirking.”

“Okay,” Evan lets out a huff. “So, the problem is I told my mom that I had a friend because she saw that someone was texting me.”

“And that is what I would call helicopter parenting,” Connor comments.

“No, it’s not like that,” Evan says quickly. “She knows I’m not good at being social, so she was happy. Then she started asking me things, and I kept talking, and then she said she wanted to meet you.”

“And the problem is?” Connor is ready for Evan to say that he doesn’t want his mother to meet him. 

Connor looks like a trouble maker, and everyone at their high school and now college seems to think he is. It’s not a surprise that Evan would want to keep his home life away from Connor. His home life that Connor thinks he might know a bit too much about now. 

“Would you maybe want to come over for dinner on Saturday?” Evan blurts the question as if he’s expecting Connor to laugh in his face (or ear, since they’re on the phone). 

“You’re inviting me over?” Connor’s more than a little dumbfounded.

“Normally I’d tell her that you were busy with school or something,” Evan babbles. “But I think if I do she might think that you don’t exist and I made you up so she’d stop worrying about me. Wow, that really makes me sound like a loser.”

“You’re not a loser,” Connor tells him. “And that sounds fun.”

“Really?” Evan’s voice is too hopeful not to tug on Connor’s heart.

“Yeah,” he tries to sound neural. “And I’m grinning now, so you can believe me.”

“Thanks,” Evan lets out a breath. “Sorry for rambling.”

“No, it’s fine,” Connor can’t say out loud that he thinks it’s adorable.

“I’ll text you later,” Evan says.

“Yeah.”

They’re both silent. Connor realizes Evan’s not going to press the end button. He would wait it out just to see how long it takes, but the sound of Evan breathing is doing something to him that he’s not sure he wants to put to words. 

“Bye,” he says, switching off his phone for the drive back to his dorm. 

* * *

It’s only when Connor is about to get ready for bed that he realizes he told Evan he’d come over for dinner on the same weekend he was supposed to go home with Zoe. It may mean his priorities are fucked up, but Connor wasn’t about to let Evan down after hearing how sad his social life was. His family on the other hand were used to him disappointing them. In fact, they probably expect it.

He calls his sister. 

“Turns out I can’t give you a ride,” he drops as soon as she picks up. 

“You’re not coming,” she sounds slightly dazed.

“Yeah.”

“Connor,” she says his name the way a shitty stage actor would produce a sigh.

“Don’t,” his voice is sharp, cutting.

“Mom’s gonna be upset,” she starts.

“She’s always upset over me,” he brushes off.

“You know they didn’t want you to leave this year in the first place,” she reminds him. Her tone is so close to scolding, he wants to throw his phone at the wall.

“Yeah and me not visiting once is definitely grounds to pull me out of school,” he scoffs instead. 

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Look,” he breathes through his teeth. “No one’s hopes were that fucking high in the first place. This is me we’re talking about.”

“Yeah,” she’s mad now. “But it’s not just you that this affects.”

“Zoe,” he mocks a disappointed tone. “Taking the bus isn’t going to kill you.”

“That’s not what I fucking mean and you know it.”

This is where he can tell he’s pushed her over the edge. It’s abundantly clear in her voice, and, even though he doesn’t know her as well as he should, he understands this much about how she works. He’s so used to pushing this far. 

“Okay,” he says slowly. He needs a better approach. “Okay, it’s not that I don’t want to come—”

“Ha,” now it’s her turn to scoff.

“Will you fucking listen to me?” He snaps.

“Fine.”

“I,” he searches his mind on how to phrase this next bit. “I made plans with a friend not realizing it was the same day.”

She’s silent for a second.

“You have a friend?” Her tone has completely changed. He’s not sure he likes it. 

“So shocked,” he comments in a deadpan.

“Well, yeah,” she doesn’t deny it. “You’re you.”

“Shut up,” he sighs. There isn’t venom in his voice anymore. “I’d cancel on him, but I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Right,” she’s probably nodding.

“Tell Mom I’m sorry,” he knows she will whether or not he means it. “Don’t tell Dad anything.”

“What’s his name?” she asks. “Your friend.”

“If you think I’m making it up,” he remembers Evan assuming his mother would if he didn’t bring Connor home.

“That’s not what I said,” she’s trying to keep a positive attitude. She’s always been a lot better at doing that than he is. 

“I can’t tell you his name,” Connor states. “I think you might know him, and that would be weird.”

“Okay,” she’s not going to fight him on this.

“We met at work, but he goes to our school.” He figures he owes some sort of explanation. “He comes by a lot and orders the same thing. Conversation started, that sort of stuff.”

“You managed not to scare him away, then?” She sounds impressed.

“Surprisingly,” he muses.

“You have any classes with him?” she asks.

“No.” And he’s fucking glad. “We hadn’t talked a lot in school which is probably for the best.”

“Yeah,” she agrees. “School’s not the best environment.”

She’s trying to sympathize. It’s the thought that counts. 

“Tell me about it,” he says back.

“He’s nice then?” she asks.

“Yes,” Connor can feel a smile tugging his lips.

“And you’re being nice?” she makes sure.

“Oddly enough,” he quips.

“I guess that’s a good enough reason to blow the rest of us off.” She decides.

Connor realizes how odd this is. Not only is she giving him an out, but his sister actually seems happy for him. She’s showing an interest in his life for the first time since they were kids. Maybe he used to want to strangle her—and kinda still does at times—but right now it’s nice. They’re not the sort of siblings that get along, but in this moment they can both forget a little bit.

“Do you like him?”

And the moment shatters.

“No,” he knows she won’t buy that.

“Connor—”

“I don’t,” he snaps. “Drop the fucking subject.”

“I’m not Mom and Dad,” she tries.

“Yeah,” he scoffs.

“Look,” she’s trying to be patient. He doesn’t give a fuck. “I’m happy for you, okay? And I won’t tell them.”

“Good.” 

He ends the call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meant to update yesterday but life got in the way! Thanks again to everyone who's commenting, I can't express how motivating it is to know that someone took the time to type a reaction to this!


	9. What We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No, it’s just,” Evan can feel himself starting to babble. “I don’t know a lot about you, so I’m trying to find a way to ask without it being weird.”
> 
> “You’re funny,” Connor remarks.
> 
> “I’m not trying to be,” Evan mumbles. 
> 
> “I don’t mean it in a rude way,” Connor tells him.
> 
> “Oh?” Evan doesn’t understand how being called funny can be anything but rude.
> 
> “I mean, you’re cute,” Connor states.
> 
> “Oh,” Evan takes this in.

Evan has one hour until Connor will be at his house for dinner and he is not going to freak out. He’s determined not to. He’s so determined that he’s pacing the parameters of his bedroom. It’s not helping.

His mom is still at work. Her shift will end in about half an hour, and she promised to pick up pizza or Chinese food on her way home. Connor is supposed to arrive at the same time. 

Evan’s not sure what’s making him so nervous. Over the phone, Connor didn’t think that this was weird. He also didn’t correct Evan when Evan called him his friend. He shouldn’t be worried about Connor judging him. Connor hadn’t judged him before. Still, what if he messed up? What if he said something wrong, or Connor didn’t like his house, or it only took this long for Connor to realize that he didn’t want to hang out with someone so paranoid all the time?

Evan knows that he’s being irrational, but it’s really hard to stop. Being alone with his thoughts for the next hour isn’t going to help. 

In an attempt to at least distract himself, he switches on his computer. 

* * *

**JaredK:** _You’re telling me you invited Connor Murphy over to your house?!_

Evan can tell Jared thinks this is funny. It’s not funny. Still, it’s not like he didn’t see this coming. Jared likes to make light of problems. This is what he gets for messaging the only person who’d actually listen.

**EvanH:** _Yes_

**JaredK:** _Are you out of your mind?!_

**EvanH:** _Yes_

**JaredK:** _Ha_

**EvanH** : _It’s not funny_

**JaredK:** _It so is_

Evan’s not sure what he wants Jared to say. He’d hope that at least getting everything off his chest would help, but it’s not like he can tell Jared everything. 

**EvanH:** _Technically my mom invited him over_

This is probably the best thing to say to make Evan and the situation seem even more pathetic. 

**JaredK:** _You’re not making any sense._

Jared fortunately at least doesn’t point his sad state out. 

**JaredK:** _Explain, Evan._

Evan should have expected him to want the whole story. Evan probably would, were he in Jared’s shoes. The difference between Jared and Evan is that Jared expects to get it. 

**EvanH:** _Okay, but don’t interrupt_

**JaredK:** _No promisses_

**EvanH:** _Connor’s actually really nice_

**JaredK:** _HA_

Evan sighs. This is going to be difficult. 

**EvanH:** _Jared I’m being serious_

Hopefully his slight irritation will get through. Then again, if Evan can’t read emotion through words alone, it’s not fair for him to expect others too. He’ll give Jared some slack at the moment.

**JaredK:** _But why are you talking to him in the first place_

**EvanH:** _I’ll tell you if you’ll stop laughing_

Because Evan doesn’t need to see Jared’s face to know that he’s being laughed at right now. 

**JaredK:** _Fiiiiiiine_

**EvanH:** _Okay, so I go to Dead Beans a lot_

**JaredK:** _Wow, that’s impressive_

**EvanH:** _Stop it. basically I just started talking to him and he’s actually really nice and he gave me his number and then my mom saw me texting him and got excited that I have a friend and now he’s gonna be here in an hour and I don’t know what to do_

Jared takes a second to respond to this. Evan feels like he’s about to explode. Then he’s going to turn into a shoe and hide under his bed for the rest of eternity.

**JaredK:** _Wow_

**EvanH:** _What?_

Evan braces himself for the worst.

**JaredK:** _Are you sure which Murphy sibling you’re in love with?_

**EvanH:** _Jared_

**JaredK:** _I already told you I always knew you were kinda gay_

Hiding under the bed forever is getting more and more tempting. 

**EvanH:** _Please just don’t tell Zoe_

**JaredK:** _First your random mystery guy now Connor fucking Murphy_

Why did he think Jared would help, again?

**EvanH:** _Jared this is serious_

**JaredK:** _WAIT A SECOND_

Evan’s never trusted caps lock with Jared. It almost always leads to a catastrophe at his expense. 

**EvanH:** _Jared_

**JaredK:** _WAS CONNOR MURPHY THE PERSON WHO PICKED YOU UP_

Evan’s screwed. He’s absolutely completely screwed. 

**EvanH:** _What makes you think that?_

**JaredK:** _HOLY SHIT YOU’RE NOT EVEN DENYING IT_

**EvanH:** _He’s not_

**JaredK:** _OH MY GOD_

At this point, he’s not going to be able to convince Jared otherwise. He should have realized that if he told Jared this much he’d figure the rest out. 

**EvanH:** _Okay, fine. Don’t tell anyone, okay?_

**JaredK:** _You are so gay_

**EvanH:** _Jared_

**JaredK:** _Gaaaaaaaaay_

**EvanH:** _Stop it_

The one good thing about talking to Jared online is that moments like these are slightly less mortifying than they would be in person. Slightly.

**JaredK:** _You realize he’s trying to get into your pants right?_

Never mind. Evan’s more mortified than he’s been in months, and he’s him.

**EvanH:** _He’s not, it’s not like that_

**JaredK:** _He so is. trust me. I know about this kind of stuff_

**EvanH:** _You know about how guys seduce other guys?_

**JaredK:** _You’re not funny._

**EvanH:** _I know_

He’s still chuckling to himself anyway.

**JaredK:** _But seriously, this might come as a surprise, but people aren’t just nice to other people_

**EvanH:** _Gee, you don’t say_

**JaredK:** _I’m just worried for you_

**EvanH:** _No, you’re laughing_

**JaredK:** _Well, duh. But I’m worried too_

**EvanH:** _I don’t think you understand the situation_

He knows Jared doesn’t, but he can’t tell him everything. He’s not going to tell anyone about his break down in Dead Bean’s bathroom, because it’s not something he wants anyone aside from Connor to know about. Still, without that detail he kinda understands why it’s hard for Jared to imagine Connor as some sort of white night. 

**JaredK:** _People like Connor Murphy are only nice when they want something_

That comment still irritates Evan, whether Jared knows everything or not. Because why does everyone think they get Connor when it’s clear that no one does?

**EvanH:** _Jared you don’t even know Connor. Stop it. You’re making me wish I didn’t tell you._

**JaredK:** _Fiiiiiiine. But when he gets you alone in your bedroom, don’t say I didn’t warn you_

Evan is about to think up some clever retort, but he’s frozen by a sudden ringing. It’s his doorbell. His eyes dart to the clock on his computer screen. Connor is half an hour early and Evan doesn’t know what to do. 

**EvanH:** _I gotta go_

**JaredK:** _Have fun!_

**EvanH:** _Don’t tell Zoe_

He quickly adds this. 

**JaredK:** _Dude, I don’t even talk to Zoe_

**EvanH:** _But dont tell her, okay?_

**JaredK:** _Don’t worry, I’ll keep your gay affair with her brother a secret_

**EvanH:** _Bye Jared_

Evan slams his computer shut, leaving it on his desk. The doorbell rings again, this time twice. Connor’s getting impatient. Evan scrambles out of his room and down the hallway. 

The doorbell rings three more times before he gets to the door. To his surprise, Connor doesn’t look annoyed when he opens it. 

“Hey,” Connor’s lips tug into the subtle smile Evan’s only seen once before.

“Hi,” Evan is suddenly really glad that they’re doing this. 

“I’m early,” Connor says apologetically. 

“Yeah,” Evan says before he can stop himself. “I mean, yes, but that’s fine. It’s not like this is super scheduled or—”

“Wow, you’re really nervous,” Connor comments dryly.

“Yeah,” Evan admits.

“So, can I come in?” Connor raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, right,” Evan jumps out of the doorway. 

Connor closes the door after himself and follows Evan down the hall. He watches Connor take in his surroundings. He can’t tell what’s going on in his head. 

“So, um,” Evan clears his throat. “My mom will be here with the food in thirty minutes.”

“Cool.”

“We eat a lot of take out,” he feels he need to warn. “I can’t really cook and she’s at work a lot.”

Connor nods. Evan can’t read his expression.

“Is pizza okay with you?” he ask tentatively.

“Sounds great,” Connor replies. 

“Cool,” Evan echoes. 

“You know,” Connor’s smirking now. “My parents wouldn’t even let me eat pizza.”

“What?” Evan asks.

“My mom was buddhist last year,” Connor explains. “Zoe and I hated it. I think now she’s into organic stuff, so that’s almost worse.”

“Does your mom cook a lot?” Evan asks.

“Too much,” Connor says irritably.

“It must be nice though,” Evan says before he can stop himself.

“Trust me, you get sick of it,” Connor assures him. “Especially when she mopes if you don’t like it.” 

“I guess I have no experience with that,” Evan admits.

“You’re lucky,” Connor tells him. Evan watches him pause after that. “That makes me sound like a privileged fuck, doesn’t it?”

“A little bit,” Evan all but giggles.

“Kill me,” Connor groans.

“No thanks,” Evan laughs.

“Aw, but it’d be fun,” Connor teases.

“No,” Evan shakes his head. “You have to live knowing you’re exceedingly privileged.”

“Well, fuck me.”

“Gonna pass on that one too,” Evan jokes.

“Shut up,” Connor laughs. 

“I can give you a tour, since we’re waiting,” Evan suggests. They’ve been just standing in the living room. 

“Sure,” Connor shrugs. 

So Evan leads Connor around the house, pointing out the kitchen, bathroom, the dinning room that’s technically still a part of the kitchen.

“And this is my room,” Evan figures it’d be better to end the tour here. 

“It’s nice,” Connor says as he steps inside. 

“Thanks,” Evan murmurs. 

“Cleaner than mine,” Connor remarks.

“I need everything to be clean,” Evan explains. Messes make him feel trapped. 

“Right,” Connor seems to understand. 

Connor grins, then flops onto Evan’s bed. His hair is airborne for a second when he jumps, Evan saves that image in his mind. Connor looking young a carefree is a thought he has a feeling he’ll need to call back someday. Silently, he moves to sit against the headboard, watching Connor lean back to stare at the ceiling.

“You have star stickers,” Connor points out.

“I put them up when I was a kid,” Evan feels self conscious. “They glow in the dark.”

Connor laughs, but it doesn’t sound mean. Evan likes the sound of that laugh. 

“So, um,” Evan stammers after a moment passes.

“What?” Connor looks at him.

“No, it’s just,” Evan can feel himself starting to babble. “I don’t know a lot about you, so I’m trying to find a way to ask without it being weird.”

“You’re funny,” Connor remarks.

“I’m not trying to be,” Evan mumbles. 

“I don’t mean it in a rude way,” Connor tells him.

“Oh?” Evan doesn’t understand how being called funny can be anything but rude.

“I mean, you’re cute,” Connor states.

“Oh,” Evan takes this in.

And awkward few second pass as Evan realizes he doesn’t know what this means. 

“What’s your favor color?” Connor suddenly asks.

“Huh?” Evan’s caught off guard.

“Mine is black,” Connor tells him. “Because I’m edgy as fuck.”

Evan laughs. 

“Blue, or green,” he answers. 

“You wear blue a lot,” Connor comments. 

“It’s calming,” Evan explains. 

“And green?”

“I like trees.”

“Really?” Connor’s looking at him again. Maybe he’s been looking at him this whole time, Evan just didn’t realize.

“Yeah,” he says sheepishly. “I’m kinda an expert.”

“That’s cool,” it sounds like Connor means it.

“Thanks.”

“Teach me something sometime.”

“About trees?” Evan asks.

“Yeah,” Connor nods. 

“Okay,” Evan remarks happily. “I will.”

Evan realizes how normal this feels. For a second it’s not like they’re the kid with anxiety and the kid everyone is scared of. They’re just two people, and it’s not uncomfortable. Evan’s comfortable with Connor, and he’s not sure if he can say that about anyone else. 

“This is nice,” he says aloud.

“You’re surprised,” Connor notices. 

“Sorry,” Evan says quickly.

“No, I’m not offended,” Connor brushes off. 

“I’m bad with people,” Evan tries to explain. 

“That makes two of us.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Evan swallows, there is something he does need to get straight before his mom gets home. “Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re friends right?” He asks tentatively.

“What the fuck do you mean?” Connor sits up to stare at him.

“Sorry,” Evan blurts. Why did he let himself assume they were? Now Connor’s mad, and Evan ruined everything. “I just thought—sorry!”

“Hansen,” Connor’s voice is calm.

“Yeah?” Evan’s isn’t. 

“I wouldn’t be lying on your bed if we weren’t friends,” Connor states.

“Oh.” It takes a second for that to compute. “Oh!”

“Yeah,” Connor smirks.

“Sorry.”

“No, you’re fine,” Connor goes back to laying down. “I just thought that it was clear.”

“I need people to tell me things for it to be clear,” Evan says.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Connor starts. “But do you have other friends?”

“Not really,” Evan admits. 

“What about Kleinman?” 

“He’s a family friend,” Evan shrugs. “It’s different.”

“Right,” it doesn’t seem like Connor gets it, but he nods anyway.

“What about you?” Evan asks. 

“No one wants to be friends with the guy who threw a printer at a teacher in second grade,” Connor says dryly.

“What?” Evan has no clue what he’s talking about.

“Seriously, Hansen, where have you been the past ten years?” Connor looks dumbfounded.

“Hiding,” Evan states. 

They both laugh. 

“So I guess we’re both loners then,” Connor sums up.

“You could say that,” Evan agrees. 

“That’s kinda sad,” Connor states.

“For both of us.”

“Yep.”

“Connor?” Evan asks slowly. 

“What?” Connor hums back.

“Would you want to, er, like, hang out?” Evan stutters. 

“Evan, what are we doing right now?” Connor sounds like he’s going to laugh again.

“No, I mean, during school,” Evan clarifies.

“Really?” Connor sits up again. 

“Yeah,” Evan says. “I mean it’s fine if you don’t want to.”

“I thought you wouldn’t want to,” Connor surprises him.

“Why?” Evan doesn’t understand. 

“Evan,” Connor says slowly. “I’m probably the only person lower than you on the social food chain. No offense.”

“None taken,” Evan remarks. “But I don’t see what you mean.”

“Everyone is scared of me,” Connor deadpans.

“So?”

“So,” Connor’s looking at him like Evan’s saying the most peculiar thing he’s ever heard. “I thought you wouldn’t want to be associated with that.”

“I don’t mind,” Evan says honestly. 

“Where have you been all my life?” Connor jokes. 

“Hiding.”

They both laugh again. 

* * *

Evan Hansen is beautiful.

Connor feels almost like he's taking advantage of the moment. Evan has no idea that Connor's attracted to him, and maybe if he knew he wouldn't have let Connor this close. Then again, is Evan any better? Connor may not have thought to see Evan in that way had he not read that letter Evan left in his car. 

Evan likes the way Connor looks, whether he explained how he liked it or not. However, Connor doubts that Evan's mentally tracing Connor's outline the way Connor is to him right now. He can't help it. It's the proximity. No one ever lets him this close to them. 

He's not being a complete creep. He's not lying when he says he's Evan's friend, when he says he wants to spend time with Evan. It's not his fault he's also thinking about how incredibly sweet that shy smile is, or how he cant tell if Evan's hair is soft or not and would really like to find out. 

Still, even above these thoughts is an immense relief that he thinks he might be drowning in. Everywhere he goes he carries a constant wall of unease. Right now that isn't present. He's comfortable lying on Evan Hansen's bed and talking about silly things. He knows he'd find all of this stupid if he were with anyone else, but with Evan it's different. 

He doesn't really understand why. Just because he thinks the boy is cute, doesn't mean he's automatically safe with him. But he does feel safe with Evan. This is probably because Evan seems to feel safe with him. No one ever feels safe with him.

They hear the front door open.

"That's my mom with the food," Evan announces. 

"Great, I'm starving," Connor jumps off the bed. 

He's not used to being this positive. It's like he's riding an emotional high. At some point he's going to have to come down, go back to reality. That sorta scares the shit out of him. He tries not to think about it.

Evan leads him back the the kitchen/dining room. A blonde woman is putting a pizza box on the table. Connor can clearly see the resemblance between Evan and his mother, and at the same time he can recognize so many clear differences. Evan closes into himself, but this woman is loose. Confident isn't the right word—it’s as if she's confident my default. She's one of those people who knows how shitty the world is, and instead of shriveling up, she's going with it's motions. 

"This is Connor," Evan introduces him.

Connor tries to shake Evan's mother's hand, but she pulls him into a hug. It's very possible that Connor stepped into the twilight zone the day he met Evan Hansen. People don't hug Connor. His own parents don't hug him. He's either too closed off, scary, or just unapproachable. But Evan's mother is warm and welcoming.

It's weird, because Connor should be to one out of the two who knows what it's like to have a family. Evan hasn't said anything about his father, but Connor's not an idiot. If Evan's mother works so much, and is still practically running his life then it's doubtful that there is another parent in the picture. Either Evan's dad left or died or was never there in the first place. 

Connor on the other hand has both parents. They're well off, have a nice house, and practically spoil their kids. He has Zoe, who he figures would be anyone else's ideal younger sister. Yet, this picture perfect family that he's been handed isn't half as warm as the Hansen household.

He can't tell Evan this. From what he's seen, Evan's life is hardly perfect. If his mother is this excited over her 19 year-old son having a friend, then Connor's sure that nearly all of Evan's life has been difficult. Still, at least he has this place. Connor's never felt like he's belonged anywhere.

"It's nice to meet you, Ms. Hansen," Connor hates how awkwardly formal his voice sounds.

Evan's mother doesn't seem to mind. Then again, her son isn't exactly the picture of composure. She smiles at him, tells him he can call her Heidi. Evan looks so embarrassed. Connor laughs at him, and he rolls his eyes.

They eat the pizza on paper plates. Connor nearly snickers when he realizes his sister is probably eating gluten free lasagna with his family's expensive silverware.

"Evan tells me you work at a coffee shop?" Heidi asks him.

"Yeah." 

Connor's going to try very hard not to seem like a delinquent. He wants this woman to like him, to think that he's a good friend for Evan. The only problem is that he's only ever tried to get adults to hate him. 

"Evan always orders the same thing," he has no fucking clue why he states this.

"That sounds like Evan," Heidi smiles warmly at her son.

Evan's face is so red he reminds Connor of a cheesy Valentine's Day card. Connor takes pity on this, and tries to deflect the conversation away from him. He asks Heidi where she works. She tells him about nursing and law school. He's impressed with her drive. He admits he's never had drive in his life, then immediately regrets saying this. He sounds like a privileged fuck again and he hates it.

"Neither have I," Evan surprises him. "But that's okay, it's not like we're supposed to yet."

It takes a second for Connor to realize that they're not judging him. Evan's trying to make him feel better. He could get used to this.

"Unless you're Alana Beck," Connor jokes.

"Yeah," Evan chuckles.

They explain Alana to Evan's mother. This leads to Connor talking about his job, and about all the odd people who would walk into a coffee shop called Dead Beans. Evan skims over the time that Jared pressured him into ordering, the first time that they talked to each other. Connor glances at Evan's mother to see one of the widest smiles he's ever witnessed on her face. Only now does it fully sink in that Evan Hansen really has never had a friend before.

Before they know it the sun's gone down and the pizza is gone. Connor's in no rush to leave, but they seem concerned about him driving back to campus at a late hour. Taking the hint, Connor states that he probably should be going. Evan walks him to his car, which is more than a little silly since Connor’s only parked in the driveway. Nevertheless, he appreciates the gesture.

“Thanks for coming,” Evan says. 

“You look exhausted,” Connor can’t help but comment. “Family will do that to you.”

“I guess.”

“Thanks for having me,” Connor states, because this is probably the right thing to say.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Evan tells him. 

Connor smirks.

“What?” Evan looks at him suspiciously. 

“Nothing,” Connor replies. “My shift ends at 2:30, if you’s rather talk more than me just make you a hot chocolate.”

“Right,” Evan’s lips curve into a grin. 

All moments where Connor’s thought about kissing Evan Hansen pale in comparison to this. Connor never thought he’d fall weak kneed to the sickly young adult novel porch lighting, or the completely cliche night chill. He wants to kiss Evan, but he won’t. Even in the midst of longing, he’s still happy that this kid considers him a friend. He’s content with that. 

Connor gets into his car. Evan waves as he drives away. Connor laughs to himself. He’ll still make the hot chocolate, whether Evan orders it or not. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this I shouted "this is gay" several times, and my sister looked at me and said "no shit."


	10. Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor only just made it to his dorm room when his phone rings. He’s annoyed from the get go, and that doesn’t lessen when he sees his sister’s caller ID. If it’s a lecture about skipping family night for a boy he’ll throw his phone out the window.

When Evan opens his computer he has five unread messages. This is a little odd, considering Jared is the only person who would text him, and he only spams him on very rare occasions (like when he’s accidentally spent an hour on tumblr looking at Captain America memes and thought he was having an existential crisis because of it). 

**JaredK:** _Sooo, you dead yet?_

**JaredK:** _Hey_

**JaredK:** _Evan_

**JaredK:** _If you don’t respond in the next two minutes I will assume you’re fucking Connor Murphy_   
****

**JaredK:** _ARE YOU FUCKING CONNOR MURPHY?!_

Evan probably shouldn’t have expected any less. He sighs, he might as well get this over with. 

**EvanH:** _I’m not._

Jared replies within a fraction of a second. Evan’s pretty sure his family friend spends too much time online. 

**JaredK:** _Sure?_

**EvanH:** _Um, wouldn’t I know if I was?_

**JaredK:** _Fair point._

Evan leans back in his desk chair. He’d really rather go to sleep right now, but he didn’t want to leave Jared hanging. That being said, he’d wait to be asked directly for details. 

**JaredK:** _So?_

There we go.

**EvanH:** _What?_

**JaredK:** _How’d introducing your boyfriend to your mom go?_

Evan should have just gone to sleep. 

**EvanH:** _Jared. He’s not my boyfriend._

**JaredK:** _Whatever_

That’s as close as he’s going to get to acknowledgement of the truth. 

**EvanH:** _And it was nice_

Evan means that. As socially warn out as he is, and as foreign as the past few hours were, he enjoyed it. He didn’t think Connor could be that charming—did Connor even realize how charming he was being? And his mom had looked happy for him. That was enough to make him not regret dragging Connor into his house. Not that he had done much dragging.

**JaredK:** _How many times are you gonna use that word to describe him?_

The message brings him back to reality. 

**EvanH:** _I don’t know_

**JaredK:** _So he didn’t throw anything?_

Evan rolls his eyes, even though Jared can’t see him.

**EvanH:** _Stop it_

**JaredK:** _I’m being serious_

**EvanH:** _No, he was really polite_

**JaredK:** _That’s so vanilla_

**EvanH:** _Jared_

**JaredK:** _I’m just saying_

**EvanH:** _It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. It’s not stressful to talk to him_

Evan means this. He’s thought that having to entertain a conversation for that long would be his own personal hell. But talking to Connor was easy. He didn’t feel like Connor expected anything from him. 

**JaredK:** _You’re so gay, but go on_

**EvanH:** _Please don’t be weird next time we go to Dead Beans_

Evan doesn’t want to imagine the scale of embarrassment Jared could potentially cause him. 

**JaredK:** _No promises_

**EvanH:** _He’ll poison your drink_

It’s not an empty threat. 

**JaredK:** _I thought he was “nice”_

**EvanH:** _I think you’re an exception_

**JaredK:** _Damnit_

Evan’s laughing at his computer screen when he hears a knock on his bedroom door. His mom only knocks when she wants to talk (it’s a little bit ironic, since she’s fine with barging in for nothing). 

**EvanH:** _Gotta go_

“Yeah?” he calls to the door.

He has time to see Jared’s hasty: _Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!_ Before he closes his computer. 

“Hey, honey,” his mom enter’s smoothly. “Mind if we talk for a bit?”

She sits on his bed, and he moves next to her. When Evan was in middle school, they used to do this in the spare hour before she had to leave for work. She’d ask him questions he really didn’t want to answer about his day, and he’d try to distract her by talking about something else. He liked these talks. They made him feel their family was a little more normal. Like she had time to get to know her son before she had to rush off to work or school.

“I like him,” she starts.

“So do I,” Evan states.

“I hope you do, you’re the one who brought him home,” she exclaims with a laugh.

“Yeah,” Evan smiles.

“Why didn’t you talk to him in high school?” 

He should have been anticipating this question. She knew he didn’t talk to other kids. He’s tried to make that clear, but there were always going to be parts of it that she just wouldn’t understand. 

“He was kinda distant,” Evan finds himself saying. “Not that I wasn’t also, I think we both really were, so that’s probably why we can talk now.”

“You think he understands you?” she asks hopefully.

“More than most people do,” Evan admits. “I think he wants to understand.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I want to understand him too.”

“He doesn’t have many friends either, then?” 

“Not really,” he says honestly. “Some people judge him, unfairly, but I think when he’s being judged he feels like there’s no point, so he ends up being what they think he is.”

“It’s a shame most of your classmates are from your high school,” she comments.

Evan nods again.

“I’m happy you have a friend,” she brushes her fingers through his hair. 

“I am too,” he means this. “I’m glad you like him.”

“I’d like anyone who makes you happy.”

Happy. Not too long ago Evan thought that word was a far cry from his reality. It’s funny, because things aren’t actually that different. But he’s pretty sure they’re better. He has Connor Murphy to thank for that.

* * *

Connor only just made it to his dorm room when his phone rings. He’s annoyed from the get go, and that doesn’t lessen when he sees his sister’s caller ID. If it’s a lecture about skipping family night for a boy he’ll throw his phone out the window.

“What?” he doesn’t hide his impatience.

“Can you pick me up?” Her voice doesn’t sound right.

“It’s nine o’clock,” he points out. 

“I know.” 

This time Connor’s certain he hears a suppressed sob. That pisses him off more than he thought it would.

“They’re fighting,” he assumes. 

“Yeah,” she confirms. 

“They always fight,” he reminds her. “You knew that when you thought it would be a good idea to visit.”

“I’m not going to apologize for trying,” she hisses into the phone.

“You should to yourself,” he says bitterly.

“It must be easy for you, since you’ve decided to remover yourself for the rest of us,” she aims each word like a knife.

“It is,” he crisply shoots back. “You should try it when you’re done pretending to care.”

“I am the only one who still cares,” she’s shouting now.

They both stop. For a disgusting moment he realizes how much they sound like the very people who made her cry in the first place. The thought of being like his father makes Connor want to throw up. The thought of Zoe reaching for something that isn’t there like their mother doesn’t sit too well with him either. 

“I’ll come get you,” he sighs.

“Thanks.”

“But doesn’t that mean you’re giving up?” he can’t resist.

“No,” she says firmly. “It means I’m done listening to them scream at each other about something that doesn’t even matter.”

“Why are you so determined?” He genuinely wonders. She used to barely give a shit.

“It’s complicated,” she sounds tired.

“You hate them as much as I do,” he knows it’s true.

“You don’t hate them,” she states. “You just like hate.”

“Don’t fucking get deep with me before I’m about to drive,” he mutters. “I’ll be there in forty minutes.”

“Okay.”

“You better hall ass, I’m not staying around to catch up,” he warns.

“Right.”

* * *

He can easily do the drive on autopilot, even at night. It’s not that he’s driven home much from school, but over the past four years he’s had to make his way there from various equally far places. This time he’s not being weighed down by dread. Now’s it’s anticipation with a side of resentment. 

This always fucking happens. It doesn’t matter who the target is, but his family has a sadistic way of convincing one member that it’s actually functional. Then once they’re caught, they have to suffer through each minute flaw. Flaws that shouldn’t fucking matter but have managed to rot all four of them to the core. Usually it’s his mother who gets spun along. Zoe used to be smarter. 

Connor gave up a long time ago, but it hasn’t done him any good. He was so happy an hour ago. It’s funny how family has their way of wrenching you back to reality. Connor’s not supposed to be happy. It’s not fair if he is.

He pulls up in front of the house that never felt like home. Quickly he tugs his phone for his vest pocket, informing Zoe that she needs to hurry up. She’s out the door in thirty seconds, but she’s not alone. Connor thinks he might have been able to handle his mother’s disappointment, but not his father’s disapproval.

He’s tempted to just drive away and leave both of them on the lawn.

“I’m okay.” He hears Zoe telling their father. Connor would laugh if his face hadn't turned into an unmoving plaster. She’s clearly not okay. 

Their father is apologizing, saying he loves her. The usual guilty shit that will never make up for what’s already been said. Connor wants to puke.

Zoe hugs him, then opens the car door. Their father’s gaze moves to Connor. Here it comes.

“Nice to see you could make it,” he states.

“Yeah, well I had a date.” Connor’s foot is on the gas as soon as the words leave his mouth.

Zoe’s eyes are closed. She doesn’t like crying in front of him. 

“Seriously?” she asked two minutes after Connor’s comment was made.

“I wish,” he remarks dryly.

She laughs. It doesn’t sound real. Even in the dim light and through the car mirror, he can tell she’s been crying. But now she’s being the strong one. Because at the end of the day someone has to be and it’s damn well not going to be Connor.

“How was your night?” she asks.

“Good,” he doesn’t mind saying.

“You weren’t with your friend when I called you, were you?” she sounds almost worried.

“No,” he answers. “I just got back to my room.”

She doesn’t say anything. He pretends not to notice her pull a napkin from her jacket pocket and dab at the makeup smear under her eyes. She pretends not to notice the way his fingers are drumming at the wheel. For a second they’re almost on the same side. That’s probably why he has to realize it then.

“Their fight was about me, wasn’t it?” his voice sounds as numb as he feels. 

Zoe hesitates.

“Yeah,” she says softly. “Yes, it was.” 

This is why they can’t be on the same side. He’s always going to be the reason why there’s a problem. He’s always the bad one, the one they blame. She on the other hand is the good one, the one who gets hurts in the process. Leaving home won’t change that dynamic. They’ll never be allowed to step out of those roles. 

They don’t talk for the next twenty minutes. He can feel her discomfort. It’s natural from her. About now their parents are probably trying to talk through whatever was said at dinner. Neither of them will voice that they’re wondering what their family would be like if Connor was normal. If Connor was healthy. If Connor just wasn’t there at all.

“What’s your friend like?” Zoe asks, her voice startling him.

“He’s sweet,” Connor does not mean to say this out loud. He knows how it sounds. He knows she’s not an idiot. She’ll hear it for what it is. 

“Bet it’s a good balance,” she tries to joke.

“Yeah.” 

He waits for her to tell him he’s gay. To say that she already knows so he should just stop acting like he’s hiding it. Then he’ll get mad. He’ll tell her exactly why he can’t do that. Then they’ll start yelling at each other. Then he’ll probably crash into the car in front of him, and just like that the Murphy siblings and all their stupid problems will be no more. 

Instead she doesn’t say anything until he’s pulling into the parking lot in front of her dorm.

“I’m glad you’re sort of happy,” she doesn’t look at him when she says it. 

Then she’s out the door, and running into the building. He wishes that her saying this would solve all their problems. It would be so much easier if they could just be happy for each other. 


	11. A World Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you busy right now?” Connor doesn’t bother with small talk. 
> 
> “Yes,” Evan says brightly. “I mean, not right now right now, but yes. I’m going on a hike.”
> 
> “That’s nice,” Connor’s slightly impressed that Evan is capable of leaving his house on his own.
> 
> “It doesn’t look like it’s gonna rain today,” Evan explains. “And I kinda need to exercise since I’m not really active, and I like to look at the trees, they’re calming.”
> 
> “Yeah,” Connor doesn’t particularly fine trees calming, but he knows Evan does. 
> 
> Since it seems like Evan was getting ready to leave when Connor called him, Connor figures he’ll end the conversation here. 
> 
> “Do you want to come?” Evan blurts, probably louder then he intends to.

For the next week Connor doesn’t think about his parents or Zoe. It’s easy when he doesn’t have to be reminded of their existence. He can pretend they all live far away and that they don’t think about him either. This is one of the many reason’s why he’s such a shitty son and brother. 

Connor spends seven days in a numb but blissful mind set. Evan starts eating lunch with him at school. They avoid the dining hall, settling for under one of the campus’s olive trees instead. It reminds him of a cheesy romance movie, just without the romance part. Sometimes they don’t talk. Connor likes to read during lunch, and Evan seems to relax when he looks up at the branches of the trees. It’s peaceful. He didn’t think he liked peace before. 

It’s hard to summon those emotions back when he’s glaring at an overly tentative text message from his mother. She wants him to come over with Zoe this time. She says that she thinks they have some things they need to talk about as a family. Her and his father miss talking to him.

He hates it when she does this. The overly sweet and passive tone disgusts him. He won’t respond. He doubts she expects him to anyway. 

Because he’s the screw up. He’s supposed to let everyone down and ruin their perfect family picture. Meanwhile, they get to fuck up anything nice the he has.

He should have just left Zoe there last week. Then his parents wouldn’t be able to entertain the thought that he cared about any of them. It’s so much fucking easier if they think he doesn’t care. But, no, instead he went to help her, and what good did it to him? 

Without fully registering what he’s doing, Connor punches in Evan’s caller ID.

“Hello?” Evan answers anxiously as usual.

“Are you busy right now?” Connor doesn’t bother with small talk. 

“Yes,” Evan says brightly. “I mean, not _right now_ right now, but yes. I’m going on a hike.”

“That’s nice,” Connor’s slightly impressed that Evan is capable of leaving his house on his own.

“It doesn’t look like it’s gonna rain today,” Evan explains. “And I kinda need to exercise since I’m not really active, and I like to look at the trees, they’re calming.”

“Yeah,” Connor doesn’t particularly fine trees calming, but he knows Evan does. 

Since it seems like Evan was getting ready to leave when Connor called him, Connor figures he’ll end the conversation here. 

“Do you want to come?” Evan blurts, probably louder then he intends to.

Connor’s surprised. He thought that this was something Evan wanted to do alone.

“Sure,” he hears himself say levelly.

“Great!”

“I can pick you up if you tell me where we’re going,” Connor suggests. 

“If it’s easier we could just meet there,” Evan starts. “It’s kinda in the opposite direction, and I don’t want you to waste gas.”

“Hansen,” Connor puts weight on the name. “I insist.”

“Okay,” Evan relents.

“Be ready in twenty minutes?” 

“Sure.”

* * *

Connor texts Evan when he arrives outside of his house. Evan’s bouncing out the door in seconds. Connor has never seen him this excited. 

“What?” Evan asks as he jumps into the passenger seat. 

Connor realizes that he’s staring. It’s really hard not to stare when Evan has that ridiculous grin on his face. Not to mention the outfit of a blue tank top and tan shorts is the least amount of clothes Connor’s ever witnessed Evan in. Connor himself is still wearing long pants. He’ll probably regret that later.

“Nothing,” Connor replies. “So, where are we going?”

Evan gives him directions to the woods. Connor admits that yes, he has been there before. However, he wasn’t exactly coherent at the time, so he’ll need Evan to stop him from making any weird turns. Evan laughs, but Connor’s pretty sure he gets what he means.

“Were you seriously going to walk there?” Connor asks. That alone would be enough exercise to put Connor in a coma. 

“No,” Evan shakes his head. “The bus stop is about a mile away.”

Connor imagines Evan Hansen on a public bus. 

“Yeah, dragging me along was a good idea on your part,” he voices.

“I feel like that was an insult,” Evan crosses his arms. “So I’m not going to agree with you.”

Connor chuckles.

“You can put music on if you want,” he suggests. “There are CDs in the glove compartment.”

“Okay.” 

Evan begins to silently flip through Connor’s music.

“You’re judging me,” Connor remarks a few seconds later.

“Am not,” Evan argues, then seems to think better on it. “Okay, maybe a little.”

“Thanks, Hansen, I feel so loved,” Connor jokes dryly.

“You don’t have anything remotely happy?” Evan asks.

“The Material is kinda happy,” Connor argues.

“Sure,” Evan pulls out one of their albums anyway and slides it into the radio.

“Well, what do you listen to then?” Connor challenges.

“Nothing really,” Evan shrugs.

“You’re kidding right,” Connor deadpans. “You don’t listen to any music.”

“Not really,” Evan admits. “Sometimes instrumentals when I’m trying to calm down. But usually I just put my headphones in without anything.”

“What’s the point in that?” Connor asks.

“People think I’m listening to something,” Evan explains.

“It’s another hiding mechanism.” This is what Connor has coined all of the small actions Evan uses to help himself blend into the wall.

“I guess,” Evan admits.

“And you’re judging my music,” Connor fakes an offended voice.

“Well, if you’re always listening to songs about being sad or angry how are you supposed to be anything else?” Evan raises a fair point. “Doesn’t it just make you more sad?”

Connor thinks about this. In a fluid motion, he turns the volume of the current song up.

“What do you hear?” he asks Evan.

“Someone who’s sad singing about being sad,” Evan answers.

“Okay,” Connor won’t deny that. “But what does that mean?”

“You sound like my therapist,” Evan mutters. 

Connor smirks.

“It’s emotion,” he tries to explain. “Emotion that the person listening can connect to. It’s not feeding off of someone else’s depression, it’s knowing that you’re not the only one who’s depressed. You’re not alone in these feelings because the person who wrote this song and the thousands of people who also listen to it feel it too.”

“I like that,” Evan murmurs, a thoughtful look crossing his face. Connor takes this as a victory. 

“You have a therapist?” What Evan has said before only now registers. Connor realizes he could have asked that better (or not fucking asked it at all).

“Yeah,” Evan’s demeanor shifts slightly and Connor wants to kick himself. “I actually need to be back at my house by 2:30, I have an appointment at 3:00.”

“Okay,” Connor nods.

“I, um, have been going since middle school,” Evan sounds unsure if he should be saying this or not. “Because of my anxiety.”

“My parents stopped paying for mine when I graduated,” Connor lets the words fall out of his mouth.

“Oh,” he hears Evan process this.

“I have to go to a psychologist every so often to make sure I’m on the right meds.” This is too much information, he knows he should stop talking, but his lips keep moving. “I just don’t have to talk about my feelings anymore.”

“Is that good?” Evan asks timidly.

“I guess,” Connor shrugs. “They stopped paying because I told them I’d stop going if they didn’t force me, so it was kinda my decision.”

Evan nods.

“I don’t know if I could stop,” he voices shyly. “I don’t really like it, but I think it helps.”

“Yeah,” Connor can relate to that. It’s how he felt the first few months.

“I always feel like I’m disappointing him, though.” Evan admits. “Him and my mom keep thinking of ways for me to be more involved, but I just can’t.”

“Mine once tried to facilitate a ‘family conversation,’” Connor remembers with a grimace.

“Oh god,” Evan laughs.

“It was a shit show,” Connor admits. 

“I have to write letters to myself,” Evan states. “To ‘build my confidence.’”  

The letter Connor still has hidden makes so much more sense. Of course Evan wouldn't have willingly written a letter addressed to himself. No one does that.

“I had to keep a journal once,” Connor remembers.

“Did they read it?” Evan asks.

“Yep,” Connor pops the p. “It was mainly just weird drawing though.”

“You draw?” Evan asks, intrigue filling his voice.

“Sometimes,” Connor says, his own confidence draining a bit. “I’m not that good at it.”

“I can’t draw a straight line,” Evan states. “It’s very easy to impress me.”

“I used to draw cartoon versions of teachers,” Connor’s not sure why he’s telling Evan this.

“Really?”

“Did you have Mr. Clemintine last year?” Connor asks.

“For Bio, yeah.”

“His nose took up half the page,” Connor says proudly.

Evan’s face molds into his laugh. Connor smiles too. 

“My therapist wasn’t pleased,” Connor adds. 

“I can imagine,” Evan remarks.

They spend the remainder of the car ride swapping stories. Evan states every time he likes one of the songs playing, and Connor’s probably more happy than he should be that this is more often than not. The city fades away to nature, and soon Connor’s parking on the side of a dirt road.

It’s hotter than he expects it to be when he steps out of the car. He remembered to bring a water bottle, of course Evan did as well. The pants are going to get annoying, but he’ll just have to ignore it.

“Lead the way,” he tells Evan.

“Connor, you might wanna leave your jacket in the car,” Evan states.

“Oh, right.”

Connor didn’t forget he was wearing it. The fabric was practically sticking to his arms in the heat. Still, he’d hoped Evan wouldn’t notice—or at least that he wouldn’t say anything. Mutely he shrugs it off and throws it on the driver’s seat. He doesn’t look at Evan as he locks the car.

He keeps his arms covered at work and school. He’d done the same at Evan’s house. This was a shred of vulnerability he didn’t show to anyone. Silently he walks away from the car. Waiting for Evan to stare at the clearly self inflicted scars adorning his arms, badges of his broken mentality.

“Ready?” Evan’s voice is soft, but not tentative.

Connor looks at him. He’s not staring. He’s not judging him. He’s trying to make Connor safe.

“Yeah,” Connor says hoarsely. 

Evan starts walking. Connor follows, a warmth slowly spreading in his chest.

He jogs to catch up with Evan’s motivated footsteps. He feels like he’s going to cry. The warmth is going to consume him. He wants to hug Evan Hansen. This time he can’t blame the urge on hormones. This has to be something more.

“Connor?” Evan looks worried.

He actually cares about Connor, and for the first time in years Connor wants to tell someone that he’s capable of caring too. 

“Yeah,” Connor forces a smile. “Slow down, I’m not as in shape as you.”

“Okay,” Evan nods.

A half an hour proves Connor’s excuse to be true. He’s panting and out of breath, while Evan hasn’t lost the spring in his step. However, the side burn and slight dizziness is completely worth witnessing the look on Evan’s face.

Watching Evan look at trees is like watching your favorite movie for the first time. You don’t expect it to blow you away, but once you see it you wonder how you could have anticipated anything different. Evan’s face is tilted upward, his eyes are practically glowing. Connor’s never seen him look so free before. That’s what this is. This is what Evan Hansen would always look like if the world didn’t compress him into a cage.

It’s the smile that does Connor in. It’s just so fucking bight a carefree. He can’t even be jealous that he’s not the object of it, because he doubts any person has ever received that smile. No one deserves it. It’s too priceless.

Connor gets Evan to tell him the names of the trees he recognizes (which turn out to be all of them). Evan’s full of facts. Tidbits of information that usually Connor would find pointless. But nothing is pointless when it’s coming out of Evan’s mouth. 

“Do you want climb it?” Connor impulsively suggests as Evan’s telling him how tall the oak tree in front of them probably is.

“Sure,” Evan replies enthusiastically. 

Connor lets him go first. This proves to be a good idea on his part. Evan scampers up the tree like a squirrel, while Connor takes the time to make sure he’s rooted on each branch before reaching up. He also spends every second reminding himself not to fucking look down. He accidentally does once and feels slightly sick.

“We can sit here,” Evan suggests. 

They’re almost half way up. Connor nods, swinging his legs around a branch. Evan’s on the branch next to him. He practically blends into the bark, he’s at home twenty feet above the ground. Connor really didn’t stand a chance, did he?

“What would it be like if we talked in high school?” Evan wonders, his eyes on the sea on branch beyond them.

“I would have been a jerk,” Connor knows.

“You weren’t a jerk when we first met,” Evan points out.

“God knows why,” Connor scoffs. 

“Maybe because you’re not actually a jerk,” Evan says back. “You just think you are.”

“Are you psychoanalyzing me?” Connor accuses.

“No,” Evan says quickly. “I mean, kinda?”

“Hansen, hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty straight forward.”

“That’s a lie,” Evan calls his bluff. “I’ve met at least four different versions of you in the past two weeks.”

“So you’re saying I’m schizophrenic?” 

“No,” Evan creases his forehead in thought. “It’s like you have a bunch of different masks, and when you’re expected or supposed to be one of them, you put it on.”

Connor can’t form words. He didn’t realize he was being observed that thoroughly, and, while part of him was secretly over joyed that Evan paid so much attention to him, this was getting a little too close to home. He didn’t need Evan figuring out how his warped mentality functioned. If he did, it would be far too easy to come to a conclusion on why Connor went out of his way to rescue Evan twice. 

Evan may think that was just another part of him he was hiding. He may not comprehend that there could be more to it, that maybe Connor was so nice to him because his subconscious didn’t know what mask to use with Evan Hansen. Hell, even when it’s brought into the light he still doesn’t know. That’s why he’s sitting in a tree right now. 

“I ditched class a lot,” Connor brings the subject back to high school.

“That seems like you,” Evan hums.

“I would have made you ditch with me,” Connor tells him.

“Is that you being thoughtful or…?” Evan doesn’t finish the sentence.

“It’s high school me dragging you into delinquency,” Connor smirks.

“I don’t think my mother would like you as much then,” Evan comments. 

“Then she can join my parent’s club,” Connor says darkly. 

The second it comes out of his mouth he wishes he hadn’t said it. Evan doesn’t need to hear him complain about his family bullshit. 

“Where did you eat lunch?” he tries to gear the conversation away.

“Most of the time I didn’t,” Evan admits. “If I was really hungry, in the back of the library.”

“Rule breaker,” Connor whistles. “I’m impressed, Hansen.”

“Shut up,” Evan laughs shyly.

“I ate in my car,” Connor shares. 

“Guess I could have joined you,” Evan states.

“And listen to my sad music?”

“Yep,” Evan nods. “Where did you go when you ditched?”

“Home if I knew no one else would be there,” Connor confesses. “Sometimes I just drove.”

“Rebel,” Evan calls him.

“I didn’t eat in the library,” Connor counters.

“I got kicked out once,” Evan murmurs.

“That sucks.”

“I kinda freaked out over it,” his voice is getting smaller.

“I’d have kicked the librarian’s ass,” Connor says without thinking.

Evan snorts.

“It might have been easier if we were friends,” Connor doesn’t mean these words to weigh so much.

“For me too,” Evan agrees. 

“But high school’s supposed to be shit,” Connor adds.

“Yeah,” Evan smiles sadly. 

“I wish I talked to you,” Connor tries to make his tone as light as he can. 

“I wish you did too,” Evan replies.

“We’d have both been a lot less pathetic,” Connor jokes.

“Definitely.”

They climb down not long after, and head back to Connor’s car. The day is still warm, and Connor doesn’t feel suffocated. Even after he’s dropped Evan off at his house, the world looks slightly less awful. Is this always going to be what happens when he spends time with Evan Hansen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I put emotions I've felt into characters...


	12. Forever Never Lasts That Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time Evan talks about Connor, he feels like he’s bragging. Granted, the only people he brings the subject up with are his mother and Jared. Still, the amount he talks about Connor makes it all so clear that this really is the first time he’s had a friend who willingly wants to spend time with him. Jared’s convince that Evan and Connor are secretly dating.

The next week doesn’t quite feel real. Connor’s both more relaxed than he’s been in years, and the epitome of tension in fear that he’ll do something to ruin this reality. He still hates school, he still doesn’t know how to talk to his sister, and people still whisper and look at him like he’s a freak. But all of this is more bearable because someone else is on his side. 

Evan keeps coming back to Dead Beans before Connor’s shift ends. He’ll order the same thing he always does, sometimes he’ll let Connor pay for it but usually he won’t. Evan will drink his hot chocolate until Alana shows up and Connor can leave. Then they’ll waste the rest of the day. Killing time has never been so enjoyable. 

Evan has also taken to studying in Connor’s dorm room. Connor likes to try to distract him, but Evan has better focus than he expected. Connor figures drive runs in the family (or maybe it had something to do with maintaining the scholarship Evan mentioned having).

“You should do your homework,” Evan lets him know as Connor’s in the middle of loudly watching youtube videos. 

“No thank you,” Connor says dryly.

“If you get kicked out of school I won’t have anyone to talk to,” Evan tells him.

“I’m not gonna get kicked out,” Connor scoffs.

“You will if you fail all your classes,” Evan argues.

“For your information,” Connor smirks. “I’m not failing.”

Evan gives him a skeptical expression.

“I get at least a C on all my tests,” Connor explains. “Not exactly top student, but I’m not going to fail out of college.”

“Sorry,” Evan voices.

“You’re right that I don’t do my homework,” Connor does admit. “Because it’s a waste of my time.”

“Time you use doing what?” Evan counters.

Connor won’t admit out loud, but he loves it when Evan argues back. It means that Evan’s not afraid he’s gonna offend Connor, he’s comfortable biting back. Not to mention, when he’s not terrified of a social blunder, the kid usually has a good point. Not that Connor appreciates it right now.

“You’re not my mother, Hansen,” Connor retorts.

“This is why people don’t realize how smart you are,” Evan huffs.

Connor pauses.

“You think I’m smart?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Evan nods.

“You just assumed I was failing all my classes,” Connor points out.

“I think you don’t care,” Evan explains. “That doesn’t have anything to do with being smart.”

Connor nods slowly.

“Why is this such a surprise?” Evan asks shyly.

“I don’t know,” Connor lies. 

He’s not going to tell Evan that for most of his life people have been telling him to stop being such an idiot. That his sister was the smart one. That it’s such a shame he’s not like her. Aside from Evan just now, Connor’s pretty sure Zoe’s the only person who hasn’t viewed him as intellectually inferior, and that is only because she’s used to him being the older one.

“Thanks,” he voices.

“Do your homework,” Evan replies.

“I’ll think about it,” Connor means this. 

Later that day they try to see a movie. However, once they get to the theatre they decide there are too many people. Evan tries to convince Connor that it really doesn’t bother him, but Connor has learned to read Evan’s face over his words. Instead they settle for watching Netflix on Evan’s couch. It’s so fucking domestic, and Connor can’t believe he’s enjoying every second of it. 

It’s weird to think that he hasn’t even known Evan for a month. He feels like time stretched around them since their first conversation. He likes that idea. For once the universe is playing fair. 

* * *

Every time Evan talks about Connor, he feels like he’s bragging. Granted, the only people he brings the subject up with are his mother and Jared. Still, the amount he talks about Connor makes it all so clear that this really is the first time he’s had a friend who willingly wants to spend time with him. Jared’s convince that Evan and Connor are secretly dating.

**EvanH:** _If it was a secret then wouldn’t I not tell you I’m hanging out with him?_

This was not the first time they’d had this conversation. Jared likes to go back to it. Probably because it pushes Evan’s buttons. 

**JaredK:** _You’re hiding it in plain sight_

**EvanH:** _Um_

**JaredK:** _Badly_

**EvanH:** _Right… But why wouldn’t I just tell you?_

Jared didn’t respond immediately. Evan took that as a momentary win.

**JaredK:** _Because you’re embarrassed._

**EvanH:** _Why would I be embarrassed about not being single?_

**JaredK:** _Because… you’re in the closet?_

Evan laughs to himself. 

This is only a little bit true. Evan doesn’t really think much about sexuality, but he supposes that if he had to label himself then he was probably bisexual. He isn’t exactly hiding this—okay he is. He doesn’t mean to, it just isn’t something that he’s told people. It would give Jared too much joke material. He doesn’t think he’ll need to tell his mother unless he gets a boyfriend (which he knew would not by anytime soon). Then there’s Connor. Telling him would probably make things weird. 

**EvanH:** _But if I was then I think you outed me_

**JaredK:** _Ugh, look I don’t know how you’re brain works_

**EvanH:** _Yeah…_

Evan couldn’t argue with that.

**JaredK:** _Well you talk like you’re dating him_

**EvanH:** _Then it’s not a good secret_

**JaredK:** _Exactly!_

Evan paused, staring at his screen. 

**EvanH:** _I don’t get it_

**JaredK:** _I know_

**EvanH:** _Right…._

This was how the conversation usually ended. The funny thing is, Evan isn’t sure if Jared’s ever serious or not. He probably knows that if Evan was dating anyone, he would be the first to know. Evan is close to sure that Jared’s just teasing, but the tease had lost it’s humor the fifth time it was brought up. Jared’s usually more conscious of keeping his jokes fresh. 

**JaredK:** _Hey, aren’t we supposed to finish that thing for history this weekend?_

That springs Evan into focus.

**EvanH:** _Shoot! Really?_

**JaredK:** _Heh_

**EvanH:** _What?_

**JaredK:** _No, this is funny. Because usually you’re saying that to me. But you were too distracted with your boyfriend so now I’m the responsible one_

**EvanH:** _You’re not_

**JaredK:** _So am_

Evan rolls his eyes, minimizing their chat’s tab to check their history teacher’s website. This informs him that Jared’s heart attack inspiring statement was a week off. 

**EvanH:** _It’s due next Monday, I just checked the Weebly_

**JaredK:** _Oh. Well, I still paid more attention_

**EvanH:** _Not really_

**JaredK:** _Let me have this one_

**EvanH:** _Fine._

He can’t help laughing. 

**EvanH:** _We should probably still work on it_

**JaredK:** _Cool, I’ll add Zoe_

**EvanH:** _WAIT_

Evan never typed so quickly.

**JaredK:** _What?_

Evan sighs. He knows Jared is going to take the next bit the wrong way. 

**EvanH:** _Can you not talk about Connor then?_

**JaredK:** _Oooooh_

There it is. Evan groans.

**EvanH:** _Stop it._

**JaredK:** _Still a secret from her then?_

**EvanH:** _Not really._

That makes it sound different than what it is. Yes, Evan is pretty sure Zoe doesn’t know. Still, that doesn’t mean that him and Connor are a secret exactly.

**EvanH:** _I don’t know. I was gonna let him talk to her, or ask him if he did, but he doesn’t like to talk about family, and yeah. Just don’t mention him, okay?_

**JaredK:** _My lips are sealed_

It surprises Evan how reassuring this is.

**EvanH:** _Thanks_

**JaredK:** _Or fingers, since typing_

**EvanH:** _Heh_

**JaredK:** _Can fingers be sealed? That’s a weird image_

**EvanH:** _What was that about adding Zoe?_

**JaredK:** _Oh, yeah_

Second’s later the screen tells him Zoe has been added to the chat. She won’t be able the see what was send before her getting there. 

**JaredK:** _Tadaaaaaaah_

**ZoeM:** _You’re gonna break your A key_

**JaredK:** _You know it_

**EvanH:** _I don’t get it_

They don’t explain, which probably means that Zoe doesn’t get it either. 

**JaredK:** _So Evan completely forgot that our project is due tomorrow_

**ZoeM:** _FUCK WHAT_

Evan loudly exhales, not caring that Jared can’t hear his exasperation. 

**EvanH:** _It’s due next Monday, he’s just being an ass._

**JaredK:** _“fuck what” Zoe Murphy, 2016_

Jared thinks he’s a lot funnier than he actually is.

**ZoeM:** _Shut up_

**EvanH:** _So_

Evan realized that neither of them are going to try to be on task. He’s not good at leadership, he'd hoped that Zoe would fill that role but she didn’t seem to care too much about this class.

**EvanH:** _We should plan when we’re gonna work on it_

**JaredK:** _Hush, Evan, I am now the responsible one_

Evan considers dropping his forehead into the keys. At the same time, he’s fighting laughter. He also thinks that Jared is a lot funnier than he actually is. 

**EvanH:** _Oh god_

**JaredK:** _I’m thinking we should plan when we’re gonna work on it_

**ZoeM:** _HAHA_

**JaredK:** _You’re gonna break your caps lock_

**ZoeM:** _You underestimate the power of my caps lock_

**EvanH:** _This is not responsibility…_

Evan doesn’t necessarily expect either of them to listen to him. 

**JaredK:** _Evan thinks we’re going to fail and it’s all your fault, Zoe_

**EvanH:** _I don’t!_

**JaredK:** _He’s lying_

**EvanH:** _Why did you bring up the project if you’re just gonna do this?_

Jared is probably laughing at his exasperation. This might be revenge for his lack of reaction to the Connor teasing. 

**EvanH:** _I don’t get it_

**ZoeM:** _lol_

**JaredK:** _Someday you will understand, young grasshopper_

Evan sighs. He has one thing he can use against Jared in times like this.

**EvanH:** _Zoe, I think he ate a bath bomb again_

**ZoeM:** _What?!_

**EvanH:** _He only gets like this after spending an excessive about of time in Lush_

**JaredK:** _For your information, I work at Lush_

Evan did know this. Jared had tried to convince him to buy a handful of over expensive items so he could get the sales commission. 

**EvanH:** _And apparently eat the bath bombs_

**JaredK:** _No comment_

**ZoeM:** _WTF_

Evan laughs when he tries to imagine the look on Zoe’s face right now. 

**ZoeM:** _Okay guys we should probably actually do work_

**JaredK:** _See, Evan_

**EvanH:** _I don’t get it!_

**ZoeM:** _Are you guys doing anything right now?_

**EvanH:** _Jared’s eating a bath bomb_

Because he can’t resist saying it one more time. 

**JaredK:** _Fuck you_

**EvanH:** _Sorry_

**ZoeM:** _Gonna take that as a no. Do you know where Dead Beans is? We could meet there in an hour?_

Evan thinks the room just ran out of oxygen. He can’t get his fingers to move or his brain to think of an excuse fast enough.

**JaredK:** _Sure_

**EvanH:** _Wouldn’t it be easier to meet on campus?_

He can already feel how futile this attempt is. 

**JaredK:** _But I need caffeine_

He wants to scream at Jared, because Jared knows why he doesn’t want to go to Dead Beans.

**ZoeM:** _Same_

**EvanH:** _Okay then_

The words are as numb as he feels. 

**ZoeM:** _See ya in an hour!_

Zoe leaves the chat, most likely so she won’t be spammed by the rest of their conversation. This works for Evan. He couldn’t say anything with her still there.

**EvanH:** _Not cool_

**JaredK:** _I’m sure you and Connor can act like you’re not secretly fucking_

**EvanH:** _That’s not_

Jared doesn’t get it. It’s not just that Connor hasn’t talked to Zoe, it’s that Evan hasn’t asked him to. Because what if Connor doesn’t want her to know? He knows he shouldn’t still be afraid that Connor’s embarrassed to be seen with him, but what if he is and just doesn’t want to say it to Evan’s face?

**JaredK:** _Hmm?_

Jared’s not gonna get it.

**EvanH:** _Never mind. I’ll see you in an hour_

Evan closes his computer. He can’t remember if it’s currently Connor’s shift or not. He hopes it isn’t. He doesn’t want to think that he’s not good enough right now. When Connor talks to him it doesn’t feel like that, but Connor can be so hard to read. He’s probably over thinking it. He’ll have to talk to him once Jared and Zoe leave. 

* * *

Connor is surprised when he sees Zoe walk through the door. She’d mentioned that she may stop by at some point, but he’s doubted she’d follow through. She smiles when she sees him. It seems slightly less mandatory than usual. 

“Hey,” she says brightly.

He’ll pin the attitude on the fact that she does technically owe him for picking her up the other week. Whether or not it was his fault her happy evening with dear Mom and Dad ended bitterly. 

“Sorry, we don’t serve white girl coffee here,” he says with a straight face.

“Wonder why they hired you then,” she doesn’t miss a beat. “I’ll get a medium soy macchiato.”

“You’re not lactose-intolerant,” he reminds her as he picks up the cup.

“I know,” she says flatly. 

“One macchiato with extra milk coming up,” he scribbles her name on the cup.

“Funny,” she says dryly. “Oh, I have some classmates meeting me here for a group project. We’ll try not to make too much noise.”

“They have to order something,” he informs her.

“Or you’ll kick them out?” she wonders.

“Gladly,” he’s not joking.

“Okay,” she nods. “I’ll make them tip you.”

“You better,” he deadpans.

He does use regular milk in her drink, because he honestly doesn’t give a fuck about whatever cleanse their mom pressured her into. When she sips the drink he’s pretty sure she can tell. She doesn’t say anything, though. He watches her sit at one of the empty tables and pull her laptop out of her bag. 

His brain switches back into autopilot. It’s one of the slow times of the day. His shift will be over soon. Then he can go back to his dorm and pretend he’s dead the the world. Maybe he’ll see if Evan wants to hang out.

_Speak of the devil._

Either he’s psychic or thinks about Evan way too much—probably the latter, but he won’t dwell on that right now. Evan walks in with Jared Kleinman, who Connor can tell his trying very hard not to make eye contact with him. Connor remembers yelling at him once in high school. That’s most likely why he avoids Connor like the plague. 

Evan smiles and waves at him. Connor nods back. It sounds exceedingly silly, but the acknowledgement makes him feel great. That is, it does until Evan sits down next to his sister. 

Okay. What the fuck?

This is a little bit too much of a worlds collide. He really doesn’t like the idea of Evan talking to any member of his family, because, as Evan himself has pointed out, the Connor Evan knows is very different from the Connor that Zoe does. This is weird, and it puts a bad taste in his mouth.

Thinking back, he does remember Evan telling him he knew his sister. That was durning the car ride in the rain. Evan blurted a lot of things then. Connor must have pushed this fact away.

Still, why didn’t Evan say anything else about Zoe? If they were doing a project together then he has to be more than just acquainted with her. Evan didn’t even mention that they shared a class. Then again, it’s not like he and Evan talked about classes that much. But why didn’t he say something?

Connor’s over reacting. He reminds himself that he is. He does this a lot. Evan might not have known how to tell him. Considering the way Connor talks about his family, that makes a lot of sense.

Connor thinks he’s calmed down. His eyes trace over their table. He can’t hear them, but he can tell that they’re not talking about a group project. That’s okay. It’s just a conversation, and it’s not like he has rights over Evan. That would be messed up. He’s not bothered. 

Then he looks at Evan’s face. He feels his stomach drop to the floor. Evan’s looking at Zoe. He has a smile on his lips. It’s the same fucking smile he had when they went hiking.

Connor’s either going to throw up or break the coffee maker in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the Jared, Evan, and Zoe conversation while sitting outside of a pizza place, but I tend to speak dialogue out loud on accident while writing so I know it if sounds natural. A lot of passers by heard about bathbombs and looked at me like I was crazy...


	13. Gasoline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s burning now. He hasn’t burned this much in a year. Actually, it was almost completely a year ago. This was exactly how it felt before he lost control.

The air is too thick around him. It’s cold on the back of his neck and boiling around his chest. He’s drowning in it. 

He doesn’t fully realize he’s storming outside, until he hears the door swing shut behind him. His body wants to collapse. He leans against the wall. His hands ball into fists in his hair. He wants to rip it out. He wants it to hurt. He wants everything to fucking hurt because it’s the lack of pain that makes this so fucking hard. He was lied to, lulled into a false sense of safety. He’s Connor Murphy, he doesn’t get to be safe.

He’s burning now. He hasn’t burned this much in a year. Actually, it was almost completely a year ago. This was exactly how it felt before he lost control.

The worst part is that, yeah, it makes perfect sense. People like him don’t get to be happy, but people like Zoe do because Zoe is everything Connor is never going to be. Zoe is smart, loved by almost everyone she meets, beautiful, and doesn’t let life fuck her up. She’s going to get everything that she wants because that’s how it works. 

That’s what happens when you’re strong and perfect. Connor will never be either of those things.

“Connor?” 

He’s pulled out of his head by the very person who drove him into it. He doesn’t want to talk to his sister. He wants her to go back inside and keep being pure and inspiring that fucking smile. 

“What’s wrong?”

She’s coming closer. Can’t she see this is the time to run away? It’s not safe anymore. It never was. 

“Fuck off.” He doesn’t look at her. He’s looking at the sidewalk. 

“What’s going on?” her voice is more guarded now. He can hear it.

Slowly he brings his gaze up to her. Her forehead is creased. Is that worry? There’re alone. It’s not usually a busy street to begin with. He tries to pull himself off the wall. He feels like he’s going to topple over. He’ll fall straight through the flat, gray sidewalk and be stuck there for the rest of Zoe and Evan’s lives.

“I said fuck off,” he puts more intensity into it this time.

“Connor, you just ran out of there like you saw a ghost,” she’s uneasy. “Did something happen?”

The laugh bubbles inside of him. It hurts his chest as he barks it out. It sounds so much like a sob. It’s too desperate. He can’t look like he needs helps. That’s just going to make it hurt more when it doesn’t come.

“Just go away,” he hisses.

She takes a calculated step forward. He’s scaring her. He didn’t realize he could still do that. It’s a sick and unhealthy power, but it’s probably the only thing he has over her. 

“Connor,” she sounds so much like their mother. He never thought that he’d see the day where she’d submit to that. It’s not right on her. “You’re acting weird.”

“I’m acting completely normal,” he spits. 

He wants to run, but he doesn’t think his legs will let him. She’ll probably follow. She’s always been doing that. It’s how she lets herself get hurt. Zoe doesn’t know what to do with her strength. If she did, he wouldn’t be able to hurt her. 

“No, no,” she’s grasping the threads of calm. “This isn’t you anymore.”

He wants to laugh again, but doesn’t trust his voice to carry it out. How would she know who he is now? How would anyone? He doesn’t let people in. He learned too young what happens when you do. He’s not supposed to let anyone see the vulnerable side of him. 

“You need to—”

He doesn’t let her finish that. Now every burning fiber of him is crawling out of his throat. He’s not trying to stop it anymore.

“Why? Why, isn’t this me, Zoe?” He demands. She doesn’t flinch. Maybe she isn’t scared after all. Then he has nothing over her. That’s as it should be. 

“Because I’m not pretending to be happy?” his voice is so much louder than he means it to be. “News flash, dear sister, I’m not supposed to be happy because I’m a monster.”

She opens her mouth to contradict this, but it’s not her turn to talk yet. He’s going to get everything out now, because if he doesn’t it’s going to drag him into the cement. 

“Oh, wait, I’m not supposed to be a monster either am I?” his voice is cold now. He’s in control for a second. “No, I can’t be a monster because I’m too fucking broken and fragile. Right? But I can’t be broken either though, can I? No, because that is too fucking hard on everyone else!” 

She staring at him. Her eyes narrow. She’s not angry. It’s not pity either. 

“You need to calm the fuck down,” her voice is low. She’s still trying to help. How long is it going to take for her to understand that they’re not on the same side.

“You’re ruining my life!” he screams at her.

“What are you talking about?” she matches his volume. He’s been chipping away at her, but he can’t tell if she’ll crumble or not. 

“You know what the worst part is?” he asks darkly. “I don’t think you’re even trying. No, I know you’re not. Because that’s not you.”

“Stop it,” she warns. 

“You always just have to waltz in and ruin everything,” his voice his high now, it’s light. “You take everything I have without even fucking meaning to and I am so fucking sick of you and your perfect everything!”

Only now does she take a step back. He’s gone to far. He meant every word of it, but he knows he shouldn’t have let them go. She looks like he slapped her, a stunned swirl of emotions plastered on her face, bleeding into her.

“Zoe,” he can’t take it back. Does he even know how to apologize?

“You think I enjoy this?” she asks him slowly. “You know what? I’m sick of you too.”

She lets each word stab at him, because she knows that he doesn’t expect her to fire back. Neither of them expect it to hit so hard. She’s not supposed to be able to hurt him like this. 

“I’m sick of always having to be the one who finds you,” her voice breaks, but that doesn’t stop her. “It’s not fair. And I’m sorry that you seem to think my life is so perfect, because it fucking isn’t, Connor!”

“Just stay the fuck away from me,” he screams at her. He’s done with this. He’s so fucking done with this. 

They both hear the door open. She whips her head to it. He flinches as if it has the power to hurt him. Turns out it does.

He watches Alana, Jared Kleinman, and Evan spill onto the sidewalk in front of them. Alana looks confused, she must have walked in to find Connor not doing his job. He’s going to get fired. It surprises him that right now he doesn’t care.

Evan’s gaze keeps going from Connor to Zoe. He looks like he really doesn’t want to be there, interrupting their sibling screaming match. Connor tries to keep his eyes away from him. It’s nearly impossible.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Alana starts. “But everyone inside can hear you two shouting.”

Connor hadn’t thought of that. He doesn’t give a shit, but Zoe looks mortified. 

“You’re making a scene,” Kleinman adds.

“We’re sorry,” Zoe stammers. “It’s a family thing.”

Connor hears his own laugh. Now it sounds controlled, dangerous. It’s far from those things, but now they’re staring at him like he’s about to pull a gun on them. 

Yeah. This is how it’s supposed to be for him. He’s the loose cannon. He’s the freak. 

“Connor,” Alana’s voice doesn’t waver when she addresses him. “It’s still your shift right now, you’re lucky I came here early.”

He’s definitely getting canned. No matter how nice she is, she’ll still tell on him.

“He’ll be there in a second,” Zoe speaks for him.

“It takes you that fast to start saving face?” he rounds on her. He’s not going to act like they weren’t just shouting at each other. 

“Shut up,” she hisses.

“You’re turning into Mom,” he informs her. 

“Then ignore me the way you ignore her,” Zoe’s voice break. From there it’s over. The tears he hadn’t notice her fighting are spilling over her face. 

“Are you okay?” Evan asks her.

Why the fuck does that hurt so much? She’s crying, of course he’s going to ask her that. Connor made her cry. Connor’s the monster and now Evan can see it. He must feel so disgusted. 

“It’s fine,” Zoe brushes him off. “Just go back inside.”

“What the hell is your problem?” Kleinman demands at Connor.

“Fuck off,” Connor means this to all of them.

In his mind he’s already walking away. He doesn’t understand what’s keeping him routed here. Everything is falling apart in front of him and he just wants to fucking hide. For once in his life he should be allowed that. 

“Seriously, are you okay?” He hears Kleinman ask his sister.

“Can you just get them back inside?” Zoe pleads.

“Yeah,” Alana answers her. “Guys this isn’t any of our business.”

Connor wants them all to go inside. He wants then to go back to talking about whatever it was that made Evan smile like that. He wants them to forget about Connor Murphy. He wants to disappear and not have to face anything that happened in the past five minutes. 

Then there’s a hand on his shoulder. He instinctively pulls back in a violent, jerking motion. His eyes meet Evan’s wide, concerned ones. He can’t take this.

“Connor,” Evan takes a step closer to him, his hand out again. “Are you—”

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Connor hears his voice scream at the person he might care about most in the world. 

The next thing he knows he’s running. All he can see are Evan’s eyes, shock and hurt interwoven in them. His anger disappears as that image holds. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to hurt Evan. Fuck, he didn’t even want to hurt Zoe. 

Connor’s not sure how he makes it to his car. He knows he can’t drive. If he does he’ll get into an accident. Instead he just sits in the driver’s seat. He waits for reality to wash over him. It always does. It brings guilt and self hatred with it. He’s ready for both. He doesn’t deserve to be okay after that.

He didn’t notice when he started crying. It might have been when they were staring at him. It’s possible he was crying the whole time, even through screaming at Zoe. He hopes it was that. He hopes that he didn’t start sobbing while looking at Evan Hansen’s face.

An hour goes by before he brings his hands to the wheel. He half expects one of them to come looking for him. He doesn’t know why it hurts that they don’t. Zoe wouldn’t, not after that. And Evan’s scared of him now.

He wipes his face on his shirt. He looks like a mess. He still feels dizzy. He might throw up. If he does, he hopes it’s not while he’s driving. 

The air feels like water. It’s slowly filling his lungs. 

He’s okay with drowning now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me...


	14. Give It All Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi, Connor,” his voice seems to get smaller each time. “It’s Evan, again. Sorry. I know you’re upset, I mean, of course I do, I was there. Which you know, because…yeah, anyway can you call me back?”
> 
> The phone beeps to cut him off for the third time. Evan groans, falling back into his bed. He can’t take much more of this.

Evan doesn’t talk after Connor runs away. He’s confused more than anything. Alana goes back inside first, muttering something about someone needing to be at the register. Jared and Zoe don’t follow her. Zoe’s expression is numb. Evan feels bad for her. 

Jared offers to give the two of them a ride back to campus. In the back of his mind, Evan knows he should just walk home. Instead he follows them to Jared’s car, hoping that maybe Zoe will say something that will help what just happened make a little more sense to him.

However, Zoe doesn’t speak either. From that back seat, Evan can see her eyes stare straight ahead of her. He doubts she’s seeing anything. 

“Your brother is psychotic,” Jared breaks the silence.

“He’s always psychotic,” she says without emotion.

Evan knows they were yelling before. It’s not any of his business, but he wants to know why. He’s never seen Connor like this before. He needs to know what it was that pushed him to the edge. 

For a second, Evan understands why so many people are scared of Connor. The intensity in his eyes were enough to give Evan a start. No, he might as well be honest, for a moment he was scared of Connor. For a moment, he didn’t know what Connor was capable of. Seeing Connor so out of control terrified him. But then reality set in, and Evan recognized the Connor he knew under all of the anger. 

Now he’s still terrified, but not of Connor. He’s scared for Connor, scared of what the craze is going to do to him. 

“Do you think he’ll get back safely?” Evan blurts.

Jared shoots a look at him through the rear view mirror, while Zoe just sighs.

“I don’t know,” she answers him. “I can’t handle worrying about him right now.”

Evan nods, bringing his gaze to his hands. He can understand that. They were fighting, after all. Judging by the state of each of them, it hadn’t been resolved.

Still, the sorry is eating him up from the inside. Connor’s face before he ran away keeps flashing through his mind. Evan should have followed him, made sure he didn’t hurt himself. Would he have been able to? Oh god, what if Connor’s hurt some where and it’s Evan’s fault for not stopping him when he knew he wasn’t okay.

“I need to get out,” Evan shouts. 

“What?” 

They’re both looking back at him.

“I,” Evan tries to form words. He hates talking when this happens. “I’m getting car sick. I can just walk home.”

The lie is so obvious. Jared pulls over anyway. 

“You sure?” He asks and Evan fumbles with the car door.

“I’m fine,” he lies again.

He doubts that Jared believes him. Still, Zoe is in worst shape than Evan is, and it’s not like one person can make sure both of them are okay. They both look concerned when they drive away, but Evan fakes a smile.

He watches they drive away. Only then does he let himself collapse onto the pavement. He tries to breath. He breaths too much.

He knows he needs to calm down. He knows that him breaking down isn’t going to help anyone. He wishes he knew that Connor was alright. He wishes he had done something, he wishes that he knew what to do, he wishes he understood what was going on. 

He hopes that this isn’t his fault.

* * *

Connor registers that he went to far. Sitting alone in his dorm room it’s very easy for him to let the weight of everything fall. He couldn’t control himself. He’s never able to control his anger. For a while he thought he was getting better at it. Turns out he was just not angry enough. 

The fact that he’s going to loose his job has more meaning now. It kinda sucks. He’s not sure where else would hire him, and this won’t be the first time he’s been fired because of an outburst. It’s fucking pathetic. 

Then theres inevitability that he knows will spell out his demise. Very soon Zoe is going to call their parents and tell their mother everything that happened. That’s when the serious repercussions will start. 

Connor can already hear his mother’s worried voice suggesting some sort of intense therapy. She’ll try to help with very little understanding of anything that is going on. His dad will bottle up every ounce of anger and disappointment into one stare. Then he’ll tell Connor that it’d be best if he took a break from school. Because what is the point of having Connor there if he’s just going to destroy everything? 

All of Connor’s freedom is going to be taken away from him.

Evan’s not going to want to talk to him anymore. Somehow, this feels like the worst of all. Why the fuck does this hurt the most? Connor’s only known Evan for a few weeks.

Yes, he admitted to himself very early on that he is attracted to Evan. It’s not his fault, he knows this. Maybe, he also acknowledge that it’s more than a surface level attraction. Okay, he has feelings for Evan. He’s been over this. Hell, he has so many complicated and dizzying feelings that sometimes it seems like Evan is the only thing that matters. 

But how the fuck did he think this was going to end anyway?

* * *

Evan’s left three voicemails on Connor’s phone. He’s pretty sure it’s not on. He tries texting, but Connor usually preferred to just call him back. Evan doesn’t expect him to check his texts. He doesn’t really expect him to check his voicemail either. Not knowing what else to do, Evan calls again. 

“Hi, Connor,” his voice seems to get smaller each time. “It’s Evan, again. Sorry. I know you’re upset, I mean, of course I do, I was there. Which you know, because…yeah, anyway can you call me back?”

The phone beeps to cut him off for the third time. Evan groans, falling back into his bed. He can’t take much more of this.

“Connor,” he starts again. “Sorry, there are a lot of these, it’s probably annoying. But I need you to know that it’s okay, I mean, of course its not okay, because you don’t seem okay. I mean I’m okay, well actually I’m not because I’m worried and—”

_Beep_

“I’m sorry,” he blurts the next time. “I don’t really know what I’m sorry about, but I am. Please pick up!”

He throws his phone across the bed and buries his face in his pillow. 

* * *

Connor can’t believe he let himself yell at Evan.

Evan, who had done nothing wrong. Evan, who Connor had thought he could protect.

That’s laughable now. The only thing that he needs to protect Evan from his himself. He’s the one who’s fucked in the head. It was useless to pretend otherwise.

He feels like shit. Evan can do so much better than him. Both as a friend and as anything else Connor wanted to be for Evan—he actually entertained the foolish hope that he could be that for Evan. 

At least Zoe was used to him. She’d seen his outbursts before. He’d lashed out at her before. Even if she thought he was getting better, she always knew how messed up he was. Evan on the other hand, had never seen this. He’d only seen Connor at his best. Connor had been able to only show Evan his good parts.

But even through all of this he’s still angry. 

He may even be able to recognize that it’s not either of their faults, but the jealousy is just as present as it was when he stormed out of Dead Beans. It’s gnawing at his insides, trying to consume him again. It’s twisting him into something ugly and trying to pull Zoe and Evan with him.

Zoe was the victim. She was crying. Connor was screaming and laughing like a fucking maniac. Of course Evan asked her if she was okay. She wasn’t okay. Neither was Connor, but that doesn’t matter when he’s hurting her. He learned that a long time ago.

* * *

Evan stops calling. 

* * *

His phone is sitting in his jacket pocket across the room. He knows someone’s been calling him. He really doesn’t want to think about it.

He wants to be numb. It’s been so long since he’s been completely numb. He’s not supposed to miss it, but maybe he’s broken enough rules today that this one won’t matter. 

* * *

**JaredK:** _Stop freaking out_

Evan’s not good at pretending everything is normal. He knows that Jared probably isn’t the best person to talk to about this, but the only other person Evan talks to is Connor. 

**EvanH:** _Not freaking out_

It’s not true. Evan knows its not true. Even through text Jared will be able to tell its not true. At least he’s breathing right now. He might be having a heart attack but at least he’s not hyperventilating. He’s bad at finding bright sides.

**JaredK:** _You’re so freaking out_

**EvanH:** _You’re not helping_

Evan doesn’t really know what he wants Jared to say to him. If anything at least this conversation is a little bit distracting from the fact that his phone has not rang. Within the past hour, he’s left so many messages, and he’s not being called back. 

**JaredK:** _Why are you so upset in the first place?_

Explaining is one thing he will not do right now. He can’t put to words that he doesn’t care if Connor screamed at him, and if he did he knows that other people aren’t going to understand. You have to see someone at their best to know why their worst is off. 

**EvanH:** _Did Zoe tell you anything on the ride back?_

**JaredK:** _Nope._

**EvanH:** _You don’t think he called her or anything?_

**JaredK:** _No_

**EvanH:** _Okay._

Jared’s probably annoyed at the questions. Evan’s glad he drove Zoe back to school. He’s glad that Zoe got back safely. The problem is that she had them to make sure of this, but Connor didn’t have anyone. He must have felt so alone.

**JaredK:** _Who exactly are you worried about here?_

**EvanH:** _What do you mean?_

**JaredK:** _Well, Zoe Murphy, the girl you’ve been in love with for years, is probably still crying, and you keep asking me about her crazy brother who made her cry in the first place_

Evan wants to defend Connor, only he can’t. Jared’s right. Evan should be more concerned for Zoe, but instead he’s still shaking at the thought that Connor’s by himself right now. He wants to say it’s because Connor’s his friend, it’s because he knows that something has to be seriously wrong for Connor to act like that. Only he can’t. He doesn’t know the Connor that Zoe does. 

**EvanH:** _It’s not like that_

**JaredK:** _You’re not gonna like this, but hear me out_

**EvanH:** _What?_

**JaredK:** _I don’t think you should hang out with Connor Murphy_

He should have seen this coming.

**EvanH:** _You don’t get it_

**JaredK:** _Do you?_

**EvanH:** _What?_

**JaredK:** _What were they fighting about Evan?_

**EvanH:** _It’s none of my business_

**JaredK:** _He literally screamed at you_

**EvanH:** _He was upset_

**JaredK:** _Look, I’m just worried about you_

**EvanH:** _Because you’re my “family friend”_

There’s a hesitation. Evan shouldn’t have said that. Jared’s trying to look out for him and all he’s doing is pushing away. But what else is he supposed to do?

**JaredK:** _Fine, asshole_

**EvanH:** _I’m sorry_

**JaredK:** _Don’t say I didn’t warn you_

Jared logs off. 

Evan just wants everything to be the way it was yesterday. He wants to fail history with Zoe and Jared, and he wants Connor to flop on his bed and smile. He wants to see happy Connor again. Then he can make sense of why his loyalties are so stuck on this person.

Summoning his last shreds of courage, Evan pulls himself off of his bed and grabs his jacket. He’s going to need to take the bus if he wants to get to campus before he’s able to change his mind.

* * *

Connor has fifty dollars stuffed into his jeans pocket and he is going to cave into the weakness that he pushed away for the past twelve months. Right now he doesn’t give a shit. He just wants everything around him to fade into a blur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's been commenting! (I'm super behind on responding for both my fics) Also, please don't kill me...


	15. Unforgivable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Evan doing here in the first place? 
> 
> The eye contact tries to freeze him, but he pushes through it. He turns away and tries to run. Evan’s probably here to check on Zoe like Alana was. He doesn’t want to talk to Connor, and Connor is not going to hurt his pride by trying to get him to. Withered ego might be the only thing he has left and he’s not going to drop it that easily.
> 
> “Connor!” 
> 
> A hand grabs his arm. How is Evan that fast? Years for running away probably. All those taught Connor was how to trip. 
> 
> Connor’s head whips around, eyes meeting Evan’s again. Evan lets go of his arm, but doesn’t step back. 
> 
> “We need to talk,” Evan starts. His voice is unsteady.

Connor will admit that trying to go back to his dorm while high for the first time in a year was not one of his smartest ideas. In his defense, he didn’t expect to be ambushed by Alana Beck half way to his building. She’s talking to fast. She doesn’t realize he doesn’t know what she’s saying.

“Is this about Dead Beans?” he cuts her off. He knows he’s fired, he doesn’t have to be told that after what happened.

“It’s about Zoe, are you even listening to me?” she exclaims.

Never in his life has Connor seen this girl look remotely annoyed. Honestly, it’s somewhat of an accomplishment to have caused it. The pride doesn’t last.

“Why are you talking about my sister?” he doesn’t care if he sounds rude.

She begins to babble—honestly, it reminds him of Evan. The only difference being that Alana doesn’t apologize, she radiates confidence. It’s almost deterring. 

Alana explains to him that Zoe’s room is next to hers. Connor didn’t realize they talked to each other. Then again, if today has taught him anything it’s that he knows nothing about who talks to who in this place. Apparently, Alana went to check on Zoe when she got back from work.

“Connor, she told me everything,” Alana says very seriously.

Connor can’t picture his sister telling this girl her problems. Frankly, it’s hard to imagine Zoe opening up to anyone, but Alana of all people is almost laughable. It crosses his mind that she’s done this to spite him. That makes him really want to be out of this conversation. 

“Connor,” Alana says his name again. “You need to talk to her.”

“Leave me alone,” he tries to brush past her, but he can hear her determined footfalls following him.

“If you just talked to each other you’d understand,” she persists.

“You really don’t have a clue what you’re talking about,” he informs her.

“I’m trying to help—”

“I don’t want help,” he turns to face her as he says this. 

He doesn’t even yell. It still stops her. This is probably the farthest thing from the truth he’s said all day, but it gets her to take a step back. She’s giving him a look he can’t read. He doesn’t want to know what it means.

“I know you’re not okay,” she says in a small voice.

“Everyone fucking does,” he scoffs. 

“Are you high?” It’s a little surprising that she of all people can tell.

“If you tell my sister, you’ll regret it.” 

Then he’s walking away. He just wants to be alone and feel numb. He’s focused on getting to his room until his eyes slip away from their goal.

What is Evan doing here in the first place? 

The eye contact tries to freeze him, but he pushes through it. He turns away and tries to run. Evan’s probably here to check on Zoe like Alana was. He doesn’t want to talk to Connor, and Connor is not going to hurt his pride by trying to get him to. Withered ego might be the only thing he has left and he’s not going to drop it that easily.

“Connor!” 

A hand grabs his arm. How is Evan that fast? Years for running away probably. All those taught Connor was how to trip. 

Connor’s head whips around, eyes meeting Evan’s again. Evan lets go of his arm, but doesn’t step back. 

“We need to talk,” Evan starts. His voice is unsteady.

“Leave me alone,” Connor whispers.

In reality it’s Connor who should leave Evan alone. He needs to let go. That’s the least he can do now.

But Evan’s gaze is so intense. It’s trying to dry him up until all that’s left are the fragmented emotions that he’s never going to voice. Connor takes a step back.

“Are you okay?” Evan sounds so worried it hurts. 

But Connor can’t be weak right now. 

He scoffs at the question. Does he look _okay_? Well, he doesn’t really know how he looks. His eyes are probably red. That must be what Evan’s staring at. He doesn’t want Evan to see this. He shouldn’t want Evan to see him. Not anymore.

He turns away, but Evan stops him. Evan’s hand is on his shoulder. Evan is so fucking close and he doesn’t realize how on the brink of just exploding Connor is.

“I can’t,” he hears his own voice say.

“Please—”

Evan doesn’t get to finish that sentence, because Connor’s spinning around and stoping Evan’s mouth with his own. 

On an uncontrollable impulse, his lips crash onto Evan’s. It’s too sudden to be soft, but Evan’s lips are warm. His hair is smooth—Connor doesn’t remember bringing his hands up to grab it. For the longest second of his life, everything is Evan. The soft warmth that is Evan Hansen is consuming him. He’s breathing Evan in, and it’s washing the water out of his lungs. 

But with that brings back reality. 

Connor pulled himself backwards. His heartbeat is shaking him. Evan is staring at him.

Evan looks stunned. He looks so fucking confused. Every moment that Connor has ever felt guilty before pales in comparison to this. 

The next thing he knows, he’s running. The world around him is blurry, but some how his feet take him where he needs to go. He can hear Evan shouting after him, but he knows that he’s not going to follow. 

He feels dirty. How on earth did he let himself do that? Evan was just asking him if he was alright. What on earth possessed Connor to grab him and—

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. Evan was supposed to be the one thing he didn’t hurt. How was it that he just kept finding ways to make things worse? 

Now that he thought about it, he had tried to hurt Evan before. That night three weeks ago when he caught Evan looking at him, he’d screamed at him. He’s made Evan run away. Why hadn’t that kept him away? Everything would have been so much easier if it had.

* * *

“Did you tell Mom yet?”

Feeling the need to lash out at or latch on to someone, he let’s himself call Zoe. Part of him didn’t expect her to answer. When she does he knows that this wasn’t a good decision. 

“No,” she answers him. “But I’m starting to think I should.”

He wants to groan. Or laugh, maybe. He doesn’t do either.

“You know,” his voice is too light. She won’t take it as a good sign. “This is why I hate you.”

“It’s why I hate you too,” she doesn’t hesitate. That’s both of their problems. They don’t think about their actions before they do them. 

“I’m sorry,” he lets the words slip for his lips. Words are useless. They can’t even amend other words. 

“So am I,” she tells him.

“I mean about what I said,” he tries to make clear.

“I know,” her voice is very controlled. 

He doesn’t have anything more to say. He considers hanging up, but decides to wait until she does. Instead she surprises him. 

“Connor,” there’s less control now but it’s still tight. “If you let me, I would try.”

“I’m not stopping you,” he states.

“But I won’t be the first one,” she finishes.

“Because you don’t trust me,” he understands this much.

“Have you given me any reason too?” She replies. He hears her take a breath. “I can’t be the first one to try. You don’t get to do that to me again.”

“This would be a lot easier if we didn’t have the same genes,” he means this to be a joke.

“Stop blaming this on Dad,” she chides.

“That’s not what I said,” he tries.

“It’s what you’re doing,” she doesn’t listen. “It’s what you always do.”

“You don’t understand,” he dismisses.

“Connor, I am the only one who fucking understands,” she sounds desperate. “I’ve been there for every second of it whether I like it or not.”

“Okay.”

“Look,” she breaths again. “I can’t right now.”

“Yeah.”

“Alana said you were high,” she states.

“It was a mistake,” he hates having to defend moments like this. “If you’re gonna tell on me leave that part out. It’s not gonna happen again.”

He means this. He’s learned his fucking lesson. There’s a reason why he had to stop, and what happened with Evan is never going to happen again. 

“You only hurt people when you’re high,” she says as if he doesn’t get this.

He does get it. He gets it too well and the truth is ringing in his ears.

“Fuck off,” he says, because he needs this conversation to be over. 

It does the trick. Zoe hangs up on him and leaves him alone with his thoughts. 

* * *

Everything is difficult to process. Evan’s kinda surprised he made it back home in one piece. He really wants to think, but for some reason that’s really hard right now. When his phone rings it startles him so much he nearly falls out of his bed. 

He scrambles to pick it up, surprised to see Zoe’s caller ID.  Three rings have passed, and he doesn’t want her to think he’s ignoring her. He doesn’t have time to think about what he’s going to say.

“Hey, Evan,” she says when he answers.

“Hi,” Evan greets. “Are you okay? Sorry, that’s a bad question. You’re probably not, but you won’t want to talk to me about it. Yeah, sorry.”

He should have waited to figure out what to say. He could have lied about his phone being under his bed or something. Why would his phone be under his bed? He needs to think of better excuses. 

“Calm down,” she tells him.

“Okay,” he nods even though she can’t see him.

“Um,” her collecting her thoughts is audible. “This is a weird question, but I kinda need you to answer.”

“Okay,” he repeats.

“Why were you worried about my brother?” she asks.

It would he smart to take a second to find the right words. 

“Oh, well,” he’s already stammering. “He was really upset, and he didn’t seem coherent, and people don’t make good choices when they’re like that, you know?”

“Evan.” This means she’s not buying it. “I watched him scream in your face and you asked if he’d make it to campus safely. Everyone else would be mad and not care.”

“I’m not everyone else,” he tries.

“I know,” she sighs. He feels bad that he’s the one who made her sigh. “I’m not saying you are. Can you just tell me why?”

“There isn’t a reason,” he stammers.

“Why are you protecting him?” she all but demands.

“I’m not,” he doesn’t know what else to say. 

“Evan,” her voice is more cautious now. “Do you know Connor?”

“Um, yeah,” he admits.

“Can you say more than that?” she’s close to pleading.

“Yes,” he blurts. “I can. Sorry.”

And then he’s telling her about how Connor picked him up in the rain, and how he invited Connor to his house, and how Connor let him ramble about trees, and how he told Connor to do his homework, and they laughed a lot, and for a little bit they were both really normal.

“So, you’re the friend he mentioned,” she sounds like she’s talking more to herself than to him.

“He mentioned me?” Evan didn’t expect this at all.

“We don’t talk a lot,” she says. “But, yeah, he did once.”

“Oh,” Evan nods again.

She’s silent for a second. He wants to know what she’s thinking. He wants to know if that changed anything of how she thought of him, or better yet how she thought of Connor.

“I’m sorry he lashed out at you,” she finally says.

“No,” he tells her. “You shouldn’t apologize.”

“Evan,” she pauses. “This is another weird question.”

“Yeah?” he makes is voice sound as open as he can. She can ask him anything right now and he’ll tell her the truth.

“Do you have feelings for Connor?”

Anything but that. 

“I,” he’s stammering before he can think again. “I don’t know.”

It sounds like such a lie, but it’s the truth, and only as he’s saying it does he realize how much it is. He hasn’t thought about it, because he hasn’t wanted to. Being friends was so much more than Evan could ask for, so he didn’t ever think that they could have more.

But he’s always known that Connor is beautiful. Connor talks to him like Evan’s normal. Connor actually seems to enjoy sending time with him. Connor puts up with his anxiety—he tries to help with his anxiety. 

But Connor is his only friend, or he was. And Evan’s not going to mess that up. He can’t, right?

It doesn’t help that he can still feel Connor’s lips on his. It couldn’t have been longer than a second, but time seemed to stop when Connor kissed him. It was so fast and sudden, but so unimaginably gentle at the same time. 

But that wasn’t real. That was hurt Connor. The was the Connor who didn’t know what to do and lashed out. Normal Connor wouldn’t have kissed him. He wouldn’t have wanted to. 

“It’s okay,” Zoe brings him back to focus. “It’s not really my business.”

“It’s not what you think,” Evan blurts. “I, um, I liked someone else for a long time, and I’m still getting used to not liking them. If I do have feelings for Connor then I’d have to wait until that was gone or else it wouldn’t be fair, right?”

Evan means this much. He’s not going to tell her that possible feelings are seeming less and less. Or that he’d be too scared to know them after Connor kissed him. She can’t know that Connor kissed him. He’s not going to tell anyone about that. 

“Who did you like?” she asks. “Were they in our high school?”

Evan can’t think of a lie fast enough. Suddenly all of the names of everyone he’d sort of known back then fly out of his mind. He can’t tell her he’s not going to say either, because now there’s already been a pause. Dear God, he’s pausing for too long. Zoe Murphy is going to be able to read his mind. 

“Oh.”

He wants the bed to swallow him. She knows. She gets it. He really didn’t want anyone to know. The thought of her telling Connor is terrifying, more terrifying than her knowing—than their entire college knowing.

“No, it’s not,” he stammers.

“It’s fine,” she’s trying to brush it off.

“Zoe, I can explain!” He’s close to shouting into the phone.

“No, you don’t have to,” she says.

“I’m sorry,” he stammers.

“I’m not mad at you,” she stresses.

“You’re not?” he asks dumbly.

“No, actually, I’m mad at,” she pauses. “Actually, I can’t talk about it. Look, I have to go, a bunch of things make a lot of sense and I need to think about them.”

“Okay,” his voice sounds far away.

He waits for her to hang up but she doesn’t. 

“I’m not gonna tell you to talk to him,” she says slowly, as if she’s afraid she’s not phrasing this right.

“Yeah,” Evan thinks he understands.

“Because I don’t want him to hurt you,” she adds. “And I don’t want you to hurt him.”

“You think I’d hurt him?” Evan asks numbly.

“No,” she says quickly. “That’s not what I mean.”

He hears her sigh again.

“I’ll see you in class,” she tells him. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

He listens to her hang up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I used to be scared of writing confrontation but I'm not anymore... (Once again, please don't hate me)


	16. Let Me In Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan doesn’t like walking in any of the dorm buildings alone. It’s always loud and there are always too many people. Being there makes him feel like he doesn’t belong. Connor would always pull him through the hallway, because that made the claustrophobic atmosphere end quickly. Once they were in Connor’s room it was okay. 
> 
> Still, there isn’t any other sure fire way that he’ll be able to catch Connor. Evan doubts Connor will go back to Dead Beans and he can’t wait until the next day to catch him in a passing period or at lunch. Besides, Connor needs to sleep at some point. Even if he leaves, he’ll have to come back by the end of the day. 
> 
> Evan can wait. No, he will wait. It might kill him, but he’ll do it.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I haven’t talked to my only friend since yesterday, and I know he’s not okay. The problem is I don’t think he wants to talk to me, and I don’t know how to get him to._

_He might think that I’m mad at him, but I’m not. I think I could help if he’d let me. I’m scared he’s not going to let me._

_He ran away after he kissed me. It’s bad that I keep thinking about the kiss as if it was something that it wasn’t. I’m going to try not to anymore, but we both know how bad I am at not thinking something._

_I didn't sleep well last night._

Evan scribbles that out.

_I didn’t sleep at all last night._

_I think this is how my mom must feel when she sees my break downs. That’s kinda a weird comparison given the fact that Connor kissed me, but what I mean is I think I understand what it feels like to watch someone you care about be hurt and not be able to help them. This might mean I should let people help more. I think I will if Connor lets me help him._

_I’m going to do something. Sitting by isn’t going to help anyone, and I’m not going to be able to live with doing nothing._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

Evan slides the paper into his folder. He is going to do something this time. He’s not going to let Connor run away before he hears Evan out.

Evan doesn’t like walking in any of the dorm buildings alone. It’s always loud and there are always too many people. Being there makes him feel like he doesn’t belong. Connor would always pull him through the hallway, because that made the claustrophobic atmosphere end quickly. Once they were in Connor’s room it was okay. 

Still, there isn’t any other sure fire way that he’ll be able to catch Connor. Evan doubts Connor will go back to Dead Beans and he can’t wait until the next day to catch him in a passing period or at lunch. Besides, Connor needs to sleep at some point. Even if he leaves, he’ll have to come back by the end of the day. 

Evan can wait. No, he will wait. It might kill him, but he’ll do it. 

* * *

Connor sleeps in until noon. He always sleeps more when he doesn’t feel right. At least that’s better than not being able to drift off. He can’t imagine being trapped with his thoughts all night. That would drive him crazy. Well, it would drive him crazier.

Not a minutes after he pulls himself out of bed, his phone rings. Drowsily, he glances at it. Zoe shouldn’t be calling him after they talked the night before. He thought she’d wait for him to contact her, or for their parents to drag them into the same room once she told on him.

“What?” He sounds more awake than he is. 

“You know, last night I wasn’t even going to say anything, because I’d like to not care anymore. I’m trying really hard to not care anymore, but for some reason I can’t let this go. It’s actually kinda irritating.”

Her voice is sharp, and he can’t make sense of her words. This isn’t just him being tired, he really has no idea where this rant is coming from. It’s not like her to fly off the handle.

“Slow down,” he says. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“I don’t have feelings for Evan Hansen!” she shouts into the phone.

The air around him freezes. 

“What?” he stammers.

“Connor,” she sounds so angry. “Why the fuck are you taking your unrequited shit out on me?”

He’s not sure he’s ever heard her this upset.

“I don’t,” he tries to say.

“I can’t really believe it, that’s how stupid this is,” she doesn’t let him talk. “You know, I thought yesterday was about Mom and Dad, or about what happened last year. Maybe I would have put up with it if it was about that.”

“That’s why you didn’t tell them,” he realizes. 

“Of course I didn’t.” It’s like the thought of doing so offends her. “They don’t know how to handle it. I know you’re sick, Connor. I know it doesn’t just go away, I don’t forget that kind of stuff.”

“I know,” he whispers. 

Sometimes it’s nice to hear someone in his family say that. At least then it’s not in his head anymore. He’s not delusional, he’s not looking for attention. Zoe knows he doesn’t want to hurt her. Only this doesn’t feel like it fits anymore. She doesn’t seem to think it does. She’s mad. He thinks he knows why, but when he connects the dots he knows they’re going to push him back into fury. 

“Stop talking,” she’s scolding now. “Stop agreeing with me, I get to be mad about this. If it was something like that I would have let it go. I mean, I wouldn’t have, but I would. If that makes any sense.”

“Yeah,” he murmurs.

“But I will not sit through your harassment over a boy,” she gives each word full weight. “You screamed at me, you told me that it’s my fault your life is shit, because of Evan Hansen.”

And then something in him snaps. He doesn’t want to hear this. Not right now. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he tells her.

“I know exactly what I’m talking about, Connor,” she sounds disgusted. “Is it because I was talking to him? We were talking about a school project. I didn’t even know that he used to like me.”

“Shut up,” he groans. Because the word feelings makes him want to throw up.

“Keywords ‘used to,’” she doesn’t shut up. “Whatever silly crush he entertained is over. We don’t even talk to each other.”

“I said shut up,” he hisses. “I’m not talking to you about him.”

“Connor,” just from her tone it’s clear that she has so much more to say. 

“You don’t get to tell me that this isn’t something to be upset over,” he’s the one shouting now.

“That’s not what I said and you know it,” her voice is low.

“It’s exactly what you’re saying,” he exclaims. “How do you even know that—”

And then what she said computes. 

“Fucking hell,” he mutters. “You talked to him about it?”

“Of course I talked to him about it,” she says almost dismissively. “He was scared to death that you ran off and hurt yourself!”

“Stop fucking yelling at me,” he means this to be a warning but it sounds too broken.

“You could have just asked me in the first place,” she doesn’t relent.

“It’s not about—” he tries to get in.

“Because I’m not interested in him,” she tries to make clear.

“That’s not what it looked like,” he retorts.

“I don’t know what you were looking at then,” she scoffs. 

“That’s fine because I know exactly what I was looking at,” he says darkly.

“I’m a lesbian!” she shouts. 

They’re both silent. If it wasn’t for her lack of a follow up, he’d have thought he miss heard her. He doesn’t know how to react. What she said slowly sets in, and suddenly he’s rewriting memories.

“I mean,” she stammers. “I think I am.”

Her voice is soft now. It sounds as broken as his did. Suddenly he realizes that, even after everything, she’s his little sister. No one is aloud to make her cry.

“Zoe?” he whispers.

“I tried to tell you before,” her words are lighter now. “But I didn’t think you wanted to know.”

A lot of their recent conversations make more sense now. He’s thought she’d been trying to get him to open up. In reality, she’s been so close to telling him that it wasn’t just him. 

“Can we talk in person?” he asks.

“Not if you’re going to yell at me,” she makes clear.

“I won’t,” he doesn’t want to do that anymore. “I promise. I’m sorry, about yelling I mean.”

“Good,” she’s been waiting to hear that.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me differently,” he means it. This is one thing they should have been together on.

“You’re the only one who knows,” she says.

That makes him feel special. It makes him feel trusted. It’s as if they weren’t just screaming at each other through their phones. For a second he feels so much less dysfunctional. 

“I’ll meet you outside of your dorm?” he suggests softly.

“Meet me at the diner down the road,” she decides. “I haven’t eaten all day.”

“Same,” he admits

“Yeah, but I didn’t just wake up.” 

“Fair point,” he chuckles.

“I’m going to bring Alana,” she tells him. “I think we need someone to facilitate. She won’t tell anyone anything private, I promise.”

“Okay.” He doesn’t like the idea of someone else hearing what he knows he’ll have to say, but he’ll pick his battles. “See you soon.”

“Yeah.” 

They hang up at the same time. 

* * *

Evan knocks on the door three times before accepting that Connor isn’t inside. At the moment there isn’t anyone else in the hallway. That’s a relief, because he knows how awkward he looks just standing there. 

He considers calling Connor, but decides against it. He’s not going to contact him through phone after not hearing back from the several messages he left.

He takes a breath. He shoves his hands in his pockets. Time decides to pass as slowly as possible.

After five minutes of standing, he relents to sitting against the door. His knees are pulled to his chest. He wants to sink into the door. He feels so incredibly small.

* * *

Connor’s slightly relieved that Zoe and Alana beat him to the diner. He watches his sister look up when he walks in. She motions for him to come to their table. It’s a booth. Alana’s sitting next to Zoe, probably so he won’t have the sit next to either of them. Instead they can both stare at him, because that makes it so much more comfortable. 

He’s going to try not to think like that. It’s going to be hard. 

“Did you order?” he asks as he sits down.

“Yes,” Alana confirms.

“I figured you wanted pancakes,” Zoe says.

Aside from red eyes she doesn’t look like she’s been crying. Her ability to build herself back up is something he’ll always envy. She’s looking at the table instead of him. Things are still far from comfortable. 

“Sounds good,” he states.

Her eyes flicker up now. He tries to look nonthreatening. 

“Do you wanna start talking or,” she sounds unsure.

“Okay,” he nods, then realizes he doesn’t know where to start. “So Mom and Dad don’t know?”

“No,” she shakes her head. “I kinda wanted to tell them the other night, but…”

“But then they started yelling about me,” Connor finishes. 

“It was more about you not being there than anything else,” she lets him know. 

“Yeah,” it doesn’t change much. He’s aware that most of their fights are about him. “Mom will be okay with it.”

He knows that from experience. She’ll be shocked, and she’ll probably cry but not because she thinks it’s wrong. She cries because she doesn’t like that they hide things from her. Saying this is like telling her that everything she knows about her child has been a lie. She’ll cry a lot. 

“I know.”

“Dad’s different,” Connor can’t say any more than that.

“I know,” Zoe understands.

“You’re not me,” he needs to add. “Keeping it secret is hard.”

She’s closer to their parents than he is. It’s easier for him to hide parts of him away. 

“I want to tell them,” she confirms. “I just don’t want them to look at me the way that they—”

She stops. Her face contorts in horror or what she almost said. He can hear the unvoiced words loud and clear. 

She doesn’t want them to look at her the way they looked at him.

He knows that should make him mad, but it doesn’t. Hearing her say that means that he has won every single argument they’ve ever had. She’s admitting what he knows she’s stopped herself from saying for years. 

He laughs.

Alana seems mildly disturbed, but Zoe just looks confused. 

“As long as you don’t tell them with a slit wrist, you’ll be fine.” He tells his sister.

“That’s not funny,” she sighs, but does look relieved. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles

“And I still want a real apology for yesterday,” she adds. 

“Fine,” he rolls his eyes in mock annoyance. “I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”

“That as good as it’s gonna get?” she raises an eyebrow. 

“I am sorry.”

He says seriously, because he does mean it, and because he wants her to know it. He was wrong, they both understand that, and she let herself be vulnerable first. He doesn’t have to be afraid to match that. 

“Thanks,” she smiles at him. 

“This is so nice!” Alana exclaims.

“Oh god,” Connor says under his breath.

“Shut up,” Zoe kicks him under the table. 

Alana launches into a ramble, apparently deciding that now they have to have the ideal brother and sister relationship. He’s about to cut her off, because he’s not prepared to sit through a solid minute of babbling, but then his eyes catch on the way Zoe is listening to her. She’s actually listening to her. 

For a moment, he can see himself reflected in her. At least, what he assumes he looks like when Evan’s talking about trees or something that usually he would find annoying but doesn’t because it’s Evan. Zoe has that face for Alana Beck.

Well. He certainly didn’t see that coming.

“So, um,” he clears his throat.

“I’m interrupting?” Alana realizes. 

“No,” Zoe shoots Connor a look.

“I am so sorry,” Alana starts. 

“You’re fine,” he says. 

This seems to appease his sister. 

“Wow, that must have took a lot,” she still comments. 

“See, this is why I can’t be nice,” he shoots back. 

Alana laughs.

“So,” Zoe turns to him. “Do we get to talk about you or are you still gonna pretend that cards are not on the table?”

“I’m gay,” he says dryly.

“Thanks,” she needed to hear him state that much.

“But I don’t need your opinion on my lack of a love life,” he informs her. 

“I’m your sister,” she says with a smirk. “You get it whether you need it or not.”

He won’t tell her how nice it is to hear that. 

They talk about less emotional things while they eat, and its liberating. He’s no longer irritated to be sitting across from both of them, because he’s realized that it gives him perfect view of Zoe’s face whenever Alana talks. He’d always thought his sister would be better at hiding emotions. She’s lucky Alana is oblivious, or maybe she’s not. It depends. 

When they’ve finished eating, Zoe announces that she’s going to go for a walk. He half expects Alana to join her, but instead she volunteers to walk back with Connor. It seems a little bit like she’s escorting him, which is weird. 

“About work,” Alana starts as they’re leaving.

“Right,” he doesn’t want to have this conversation.

“I told them you were sick,” she says matter-of-factly.

“What?” That’s not what he expected her to say. 

“Actually, they think you have pneumonia. You’re going to have to look up the symptoms before Wednesday.”

“You lied,” he says slowly.

“Yes,” she nods. “You’re going to make a miraculous recovery and be back on Wednesday, because I can’t cover for you any longer than that. Actually, I’d tell you to go back now but that’s probably not realistic. I should have said the flue instead. I’ll say the flue next time I lie about someone being sick.”

“Okay,” he nods. “Wednesday.”

“Great,” she chirps.

“Thanks,” he tells her. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Zoe thinks it’s better if you’re working,” Alana explains. “And not a lot of places are hiring.”

“Right,” he nods.

“Plus, I don’t really want to have to train a replacement,” she adds. “Or explain how to get the broken machine to work. It is broken. I looked at the manual, it’s not supposed to make that noise.”

“You’re amazing,” he laughs.

“Thank you,” she beams at him. 

* * *

Evan has been sitting in front of Connor’s door for three hours. People keep coming in and out of the rooms and looking at him like he’s some sort of creep. Evan didn’t realize that there were so many rooms connected to this hallway. 

He’s not sure he can take much more of this. It’s very hard for him to keep his body from shaking, and he’s trying not to make his effort to keep still visible, because how pathetic does that make him? He can’t even sit in a hallway without fighting a panic attack.

He’s in the middle of trying to remember how to breath deeply without passing out, when Connor and Alana enter from the stairwell. 

Why is Alana with Connor? 

It doesn’t really make sense, since Connor doesn’t have any friends aside from Evan and the last time Evan witnessed the two of them in the same place was during Connor and Zoe’s fight. Evan doesn’t get why she’s talking to him, or why they’re smiling so much, or why it’s bothering him.

It’s not bothering him. He’s not the type to get jealous anyway—not that he even has the right to be jealous. Besides, Alana isn’t even Connor’s type—does Connor have a type? He’s reading to much into this. 

Evan’s thoughts fall away when Connor’s eyes land on him. His forehead creases. He looks surprised. And upset? 

This was a mistake. He doesn’t want Evan to be here. Why would he want Evan to be here after what happened the last time? 

Evan wants to turn and run away, but instead he stands up slowly. He’s not confident, not in the slightest. But he knows that he has to stay. That means more than the fear of rejection.

“Hey,” Connor’s still looking at him.

“Hi,” Evan’s voice is thankfully audible.

Alana says something, but he doesn’t catch it. Then she’s turning to go. Evan watches her leave, knowing that Connor’s eyes haven’t left his face. 

“Do you wanna go inside?” Connor gestures to the door Evan had just been leaned against.

“Yeah,” Evan nods quickly. The conversation will be a lot easier if he knows that only Connor is going to hear him.

Connor unlocks the door and lets Evan walk in first. The room is usually darker than most. Connor doesn’t like to draw the curtains. He told Evan once that this is because he’s allergic to the sun. Connor closes the door behind them and flicks the ceiling light on. It’s bright enough for Evan to see every bit of Connor’s face.

“How long were you out there?” Connor’s looking at his hands.

Evan means to lie and say it was only a few minutes. 

“About three hours,” pours out of his mouth.

“Dear God.”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Evan stammers.

“Can I start?” Connor asks suddenly, his eyes finding Evan’s, holding him in place.

“Yeah,” Evan hears his voice say.

Connor sits down on his bed, and motions for Evan to do the same. They’re sitting face to face, too close to say anything that isn’t true. Evan’s not used to being this close to anyone. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor starts. “About so many things.”

“You don’t have to,” Evan wants to tell him.

“Yes, I do,” Connor cuts him off. “I talked to my sister today.”

He’s not looking at Evan’s face anymore. Evan follows his eyes, they’re tracing the warn hem of Evan shirt. Connor’s breathing heavily. It’s like there’s something weighing down the air, preventing it from smoothly entering his lungs. 

“I think we reached some sort of understanding,” he continues in a voice that’s trying too hard to be steady. “It’s complicated, but yesterday I sounded crazy. Evan, I’m crazy. I’m literally fucked in the head, I’ve always been and sometimes I just explode and I don’t know how to stop myself. That sounds so messed up when I say it out loud. I’m basically a fucking time bomb. Fuck. Why on earth would you want to spend time with a time bomb?”

“Connor,” Evan reaches forward, his fingers collide with Connor’s shoulder. Connor’s gaze shoots up. “You’re doing the rambling thing that I do.”

“Oh,” he looks embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“No! I’m not upset!” Evan sputters. “About the rambling or about anything else. I’m really not upset at all!”

“Evan,” he sounds pained now.

“It’s just, I want you to know it’s okay.” Evan needs to say this, whether Connor wants to hear it or not. “I don’t really know what was going on with you and Zoe, but I know it was something and not you just freaking out for no reason. If that makes sense? And it’s not like you lashed out at me.”

“But I did,” Connor’s voice is hollow.

“After you were already agitated,” Evan reminds him. “You didn’t just suddenly start screaming at me.”

“I guess,” Connor says slowly. 

Evan can see his words sinking in. It’s a good sign. 

“Plus,” he adds. He needs to get this bit off his chest. “Before I know it looked like I was taking Zoe’s side.”

Connor winces, then shakes his head. 

“You don’t have to justify that,” he tells him. “It’s okay—”

“But I wasn’t!” Evan continues. “I just freaked out because she was crying.”

“I don’t…” Confusion passes through Connor’s eyes.

“The only other person I’ve seen cry is my mother,” Evan explains shyly. “And I never know what to do when it happens so I freak out and blurt something and then realize how bad my timing is later.”

“Oh,” Connor nods slowly. He’s starting to understand. Evan feels a little bit lighter. 

“I mean, I did want to make sure she was okay.” Evan adds.

“Right,” Connor murmurs. 

“But I wasn’t taking her side,” Evan speaks as slow and clear as he can manage. “I know it’s not my business, but I am on your side of whatever was going on. Actually, I think—I mean, I know, I’m always on your side. Even if your side is the wrong one, or even if you’re a time bomb, I’m with you.”

Evan’s hand is still on Connor shoulder. He gently squeezes it. Connor looks utterly baffled.

“Why?” he whispers. 

“Because you’re my friend,” Evan tells him. “And it’s okay.”

“But,” Connor stammers, shaking his head. “But I thought I hurt you.”

It takes a second for Evan to realize what Connor’s talking about. He tries not to call back the memory. He can’t bother with sorting out the emotions it’s mixed with. 

“You mean by kissing me?” he doesn’t let his voice get small. 

“Yeah,” Connor nods. 

“I’m not upset about that either,” he states. 

“I sexually assaulted you.”

Connor looks so ashamed. Evan feels a weight in his chest. In that moment, he decides that he’s never going to let Connor look like that again, especially when it’s something about him. 

“I think harassed would be the more correct term—but I didn’t feel harassed!” he blurts without thinking. “I was just shocked, because, you know, I didn’t expect it. 

Connor’s eyes fall to the space of bedsheets between them. Evan slowly moves his hand to Connor’s chin, carefully raising his face. He needs Connor to look at him. He needs Connor to know that every word he’s saying is the truth.

“After you ran away I wasn’t mad,” he looks into Connor’s eyes. “I was just worried about you.”

“I can’t—”

“Connor,” Evan makes his voice steady. “I can tell when you’re not yourself. That’s what scared me.”

“I,” Connor lets out a breath that Evan didn’t realize he was holding. “Can I hug you?”

“Yeah,” Evan says a little quickly. “Yes.”

Connor leans into him. Evan wraps his arms around Connor’s back, drops his head into Connor’s shoulder. He feels like he needs to prove that the closeness is okay. He needs to prove that they’re both safe. 

Because they are safe here. 

Evan trusts Connor’s arms, he trusts the tiny island that is Connor’s bed, and he’s pretty sure that Connor trusts him. 

“Thank you,” Connor whispers into Evan’s shirt.

Evan can feel Connor’s hair brushing against his face. He can smell Connor, it feels like that smell is all that he’s breathing. 

“I’m here,” he whispers back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...am I slightly less hated? 
> 
> For some reason my computer thinks laugh isn't a word whenever I write "Alana laughs" (or laughed). It doesn't do that when any other name is in front and I'm kinda concerned.


	17. Drift Out To Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan’s seen him at his ugliest. Evan’s telling him that it’s okay. He owes it to Evan to show him what he’s getting himself into. 
> 
> “I can tell you something, that might make me and Zoe make more sense,” Connor decides. There’s a waver in his voice. “But, it will sound horrible.”
> 
> Evan takes hold of his hand. Evan’s hand is softer than it looks. 
> 
> “You might hate me,” Connor says weakly.
> 
> “I won’t,” Evan whispers.

Connor is trying very hard not to start crying. He’d question that any of this was really happening if it wasn’t for the tight and very real grip of Evan’s arms around him. His eyes are closed. He can feel Evan’s breath on his skin. He can feel his own breath syncing to Evan’s. His lungs are clear.

Slowly, he pulls back. Evan’s lips are slightly turned up. Connor matches this. Evan knows he got through to him. Connor’s never had someone fight this hard to get through to him. 

“Can I ask,” Evan’s voice wavers on uncertain, “what you and Zoe were fighting about?”

Connor feels a pit forming in his stomach.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he starts. “But it’s kind of private.”

Evan nods. As he does, Connor realizes that he can’t leave it there. There are so many things about himself that he wants to keep for Evan. If he could, he would probably still try to. But there isn’t any use now. 

Evan’s seen him at his ugliest. Evan’s telling him that it’s okay. He owes it to Evan to show him what he’s getting himself into. 

“I can tell you something, that might make me and Zoe make more sense,” Connor decides. There’s a waver in his voice. “But, it will sound horrible.”

Evan takes hold of his hand. Evan’s hand is softer than it looks. 

“You might hate me,” Connor says weakly.

“I won’t,” Evan whispers. 

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say,” Connor chuckles sadly.

Evan squeezes his hand. 

“Okay,” Connor takes a breath. “It has more to do with me than her. That can be said for pretty much everything that goes wrong. I’m the one who causes is, she’s just stuck with the dysfunction, you know?”

Evan nods slightly.

“Anyway,” Connor continues. “It was a year ago. It’s funny, because I didn’t mean for what I did to hurt her.”

Evan opens his mouth, but Connor puts his hand out.

“Don’t say I would never mean for something to hurt her, because you don’t know that.” His voice is a little too sharp, but it stops whatever Evan was about to say. Connor adds in a softer tone: “You didn’t know me last year, or every year before that, for that matter.”

Evan nods again.

“There were a lot of things I did that was supposed to hurt Zoe,” Connor can hear a roughness in his voice. “Actually, I’d been trying to hurt her since middle school. I guess I realized that as long as she was pure and I was broken we couldn’t be friends. And we used to be friends, when we were younger and I was less, well you know. But after I started getting bad and she kept being good things changed.”

He stops. He can already hear his younger self seeping through. He doesn’t want to look at Evan’s face. This is exactly the parts of him he wanted to hide.

“Keep going,” Evan says softly.

“You’re disturbed,” Connor can tell.

“I didn’t say I was,” Evan’s voice is slightly scolding. “Keep going.”

“Okay,” Connor obeys. “So, middle school. I, um, at first when I lashed out at her it was with this warped idea that if I did we could be close again. I think I thought that if I brought her down we’d be on the same team. And then it didn’t work, so I kept doing it out of revenge. I remember being angry. Being the good child was more important than being my sister.”

If he lets himself, he can still feel this anger. Sometimes he’s scared that it’s always going to be a part of him. No matter how much he wishes he could be free from it, he’ll always be submerged.

“But a year ago it wasn’t about Zoe,” he forces himself to keep going. “I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I wasn’t really trying to hurt anyone. Okay, that’s a lie. Part of me wanted to hurt my parents. I wanted to make them sorry and show them that they were wrong when they thought my illness wasn’t threatening. The logic is flawed.”

“Connor,” Evan’s voice is faint now. He’s worried. 

“But, of course, it backfired on me,” Connor laughs bitterly. “Because everything fucking does.”

“You don’t have to—” Evan starts.

“I got this far, I’ll finish,” Connor tells him. Because now he’s determined. Because now he’s starting to believe he can trust Evan with it. 

“I’m not judging you,” Evan’s hand is over his.

“It was a Wednesday,” Connor doesn’t like how easy it is to go back in his mind. “It was in the middle of a month where I felt like I was drowning every fucking day. It was too much, and suddenly I realized that it didn’t have to be. So on that Wednesday I skipped school. I knew the house would be empty. My dad would be at work, my mom was supposed to be out with a friend, and Zoe would be at school. No one was supposed to be home until my dad stopped by for lunch. I think I wanted it to be him. Yeah, I remember thinking that when I—”

He hears his voice catch. He can’t break now. If he does he’ll never get through it. Evan won’t ask him to. 

“First I wrote this letter,” he pushed calm into it. “It was too all of them. It was short, because it’s not like it was really their fault. Even in the middle of it I knew it was a lot of things more than just them. But I still said a bunch of stuff that I’d been to scared to say all my life, because why the fuck not? I’m not gonna be around for them to cared if I’m—”

Connor was in the middle of this story—this fucking story—and he couldn’t just say he was gay?That should be the easiest part. 

“I can tell you that bit after,” he decides. 

He’s hiding. Again.

“Anyway,” he’s being pulled back into that bathroom as he talks. “I taped the note to the bathroom mirror. Then I took at hot shower, and put this pocket knife I got for my birthday when I was in sixth grade on the soap holder. Then when I’d had enough of standing in the burning water, I picked it up and—”

He’s crying. He can feel the water falling down his face, catching on eyelashes and skin. Evan’s rubbing his fingers along his wrist. It soothes him enough.

“I slit my wrists.”

Evan’s hand tightens around his. It’s protective. Evan Hansen is trying to protect him from his past. 

“It was supposed to be my dad who found me,” Connor coughs out the words. “But apparently Zoe skipped class occasionally too. I didn’t lock the door because I was a fucking idiot. I can’t really recall much after I saw the blood. But I remember her face. Evan she looked so fucking scared. Then it was just darkness.”

He can still see the darkness. He can see it every time he goes too far. It’s waiting for him. It’s trying to consume him. 

“Oh God,” he chokes out.

“What,” Evan’s breath catches. Connor realizes he’s close to tears as well. Connor doesn’t want that. He didn’t mean to make Evan cry. “What happened after that?”

“She called 911, I think.” They never talked about that, he just knows she’s the reason he didn’t die there. “Everyone freaked out. I got sent to a mental hospital. I have to take meds now.”

“Yeah,” Evan stammers. “Sorry, stupid question.”

“It’s not,” Connor squeezes his hand.

“You don’t,” Evan looks at their hands. “You’re not going to—”

“Try again?” Connor asks hollowly.

“Yeah,” Evan murmurs. 

“No.”

He watches Evan process this. He looks relieved, but still agitated. Connor guesses this was too much for him. He’s about to apologize, because Evan didn’t need to know all of this, but then Evan raises a meek voice. 

“I jumped out of a tree,” he states.

“What?” Connor blinks at him. 

What Evan just uttered hits him in the face. He’s gaping.

“It was also about a year ago,” Evan’s eyes are filled with unshed tears. “I climbed up this forty-foot tall oak tree and let go.”

“Shit,” Connor exhales.

“Broke my arm,” Evan laughs mirthlessly. “No further damage.”

“Shit.”

“Actually that’s not true,” Evan shakes his head, then plants his eyes on Connor’s. “Because I remember what it felt like. I remember, because it still feels like that. The loneliness and desperation doesn’t really go away like people say it will. But when they were setting my bone I just kept asking myself what would my mom do if it worked? She’d be alone, and it would be my fault. I made myself promise I wouldn’t do that. I’m not going to be like my father.”

“Your father left?” Connor asks. 

“When I was seven,” Evan confirms. “He doesn’t contact us a lot. Well, he tried to contact me a couple times recently. It happened to also be at the start of the school year. I felt so awful then and it didn’t help. I was so close to giving up on—on I don’t even know because it’s not like I’m doing anything!”

Connor can feel a weight growing in his chest.

“But,” a light fills Evan’s eyes. “Then this boy I didn’t even know gave me a ride home when I was walking in the rain and talked me down from a panic attack.”

“I,” Connor doesn’t know what to say.

“I’ve never had a real friend before,” Evan continues in a less confident voice now. “And yeah, that sounds really pathetic, but it’s true, and I’m really sorry if I sound needy or it’s making you uncomfortable, but I think you saved me.”

“Evan,” Connor murmurs. 

“And I was hoping that maybe if I try really, really hard I could save you too?” Evan finishes, looking at him hopefully. 

Connor would like a second to let his mind replay this. He wants to hear it over and over again until it’s the only things his ears remember. 

“I’d like that,” he whispers.

Evan’s face breaks into a smile. No, not _a_ smile— _the_ smile. Except it’s so much brighter than when Evan was looking at the trees or at Zoe. It’s hypnotizing, and it’s because of Connor and no one else. 

He feels like he’s flying. 

The next thing he knows Evan’s hugging him again. It’s tighter now. He lets himself get lost in it, get lost in Evan. He lets him let go of himself. 

It’s funny. Since he met Evan all he’s wanted was to protect the kid. He didn’t think that he needed protecting himself, because he’d never thought it was a luxury he could afford. He never thought someone would try to save him. But maybe that’s what he needs. 

“How long have we been here?” Evan asks after what seems like seconds and centuries.

“No idea,” Connor admits.

“I should probably go home,” Evan murmurs.

“You don’t have to,” Connor says without thinking. “I mean. If it’s easier, you could spend the night.”

“Tomorrow’s a state holiday,” Evan considers. Connor didn’t know this. He would have probably skipped his first class if it wasn’t. He’d skip the entire day if it meant staying up with Evan. “I should call my mom, she’ll worry if I don’t.”

“Yeah.” 

As Evan does that, Connor finds a t-shirt and sweat pants that Evan can borrow to sleep in. It’s nearly night already, apparently they’d been talking for a good few hours. He lays these out on the bed. He decides to go to the hall bathroom the change, that way Evan can do the same while he’s gone. Walking in he tries not to look at any of the mirrors, but his eye catches one against his will. 

He’s not as much of a mess as he thought he’d be. His eyes are red and splotchy, but that’s about as bad as it is. At this point, he doesn’t have the energy to feel self conscious. 

When he returns, Evan’s sitting on his bed, wearing his clothes. Connor realizes that he’s probably a glutton for punishment considering he did set himself up for this situation. It’s going to be very hard not to ruin this. 

“I’m guessing you probably don’t have a sleeping bag,” Evan says.

“Yeah,” Connor admits. 

“Your bed’s big enough,” Evan shrugs. 

Connor’s going to die tonight. 

“You know that thing I didn’t tell you,” Connor stammers.

“No, you didn’t tell me,” Evan quips.

“Funny,” Connor rolls his eyes. “But, I mean, when I was talking about my note I kinda cut off.”

“Yeah,” Evan looks so much more serious now.

Connor crosses to the bed, sitting down next to him.

“I don’t know if this makes things weird,” he starts. “I hope it doesn’t.”

“Whatever it is, it won’t,” Evan tells him.

“I’m gay.”

The silence that follows Connor’s statement is louder than words.

“Okay,” Evan sounds so casual. 

Connor stares at him.

“Um, while we’re talking about this,” Evan says shyly. “I’m bi.”

“You’re kidding,” Connor deadpans.

“Not really,” Evan says to the ground.

“Well, then I guess we don’t need to worry about that shit,” Connor laughs.

“Yeah,” Evan’s lips press into a smile. 

“Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Connor asks.

“You might be the only one who knows,” Evan admits.

“Then I’m honored,” Connor grins. “You’re the only person I’ve willingly told.”

“Yay,” Evan laughs.

They spend the next few hours talking about things that don’t matter. It’s relaxing and makes Connor feel like things are better than they are. Evan passes out first, sprawling on the right side of Connor’s bed. It’s adorable. To avoid staring like a creep, Connor turns the lights off. Eventually he drifts off as well, lulled by the sound of their synced breaths. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EMOTIONS


	18. Im Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you have any idea what time—” Connor start’s but Zoe cuts him off.
> 
> “I know, but I’ve been thinking all night,” she’s talking very fast. Evan’s pretty sure she’s consumed a lot of coffee very quickly. “Connor, it’s not even that early, if we had school today you’d have to be up already.”
> 
> “I don’t take morning classes,” Connor informs her. 
> 
> Evan realizes that, had Zoe not started pounding on the door, Connor probably would have slept for the next three hours. Evan’s not sure he would have been able to handle that. 
> 
> “Oh, well sorry,” she brushes off. “But I need to—”
> 
> Zoe’s eyes stretch past Connor and fall on Evan. This would be a really great time for him to melt into the bed and never be seen again. He can feel his face heating up. 
> 
> “Hi, Zoe,” he attempts a wave.
> 
> “Oh my God,” Zoe’s looking at Connor now. There’s a weird smile on her face.

Evan’s not exactly a morning person, but if his body is used to getting up at a certain time he tends wake up then whether it’s by an alarm clock or not. That’s how he ends up drifting to consciousness at seven a.m. in Connor’s bed. 

For one terrifying second, he has no idea where he is. Even though it’s morning, it’s still dark (because Connor doesn’t like to let in the light of the outside world). For a moment all Evan registers through the darkness is that he’s lying on a bed that is not his own, and that there is a body next to him. 

Then he realizes the body is Connor, because he can kinda see the silhouette of his hair and now that he thinks about it everything around him has a very Connor smell. That alone is calming, and then the night before sinks in and he realizes that the bed he’s in is in fact Connor’s.

Things go from confusing to awkward very quickly, but Evan is trying very hard not to make it weird, because sleeping Connor doesn’t mean to be this close to him. Close maybe isn't the right word. Connor's not close to him, he’s practically pressed against him.

The bed is too small. He's not sure how he didn’t realize this last night. How did he fall asleep knowing Connor was going to be touching him the entire night—dear God, Connor was touching him the entire night!

He’s making it weird. 

This isn’t supposed to be weird. It’s supposed to be normal. But is it normal to share a very small bed with your friend who told you that he was gay the night before?

Evan closes his eyes. It doesn’t really do much. He doesn’t know how to get up if Connor isn’t also awake, so he might as well pretend to still be asleep until that happens. 

It’s sort of nice. When Evan can get himself to almost relax, he realizes that he likes this. Connor’s blankets are draped over the both of them, since Connor has explained to Evan that he refused to buy a sheet if his blankets are this soft. They are soft. The bed might be small, but it’s comfortable, and Connor is warm. 

Connor is so warm. 

Evan realizes this is the closest he’s been to Connor. If he didn’t count the hugging from the night before that is. Then again, Connor’s arms are around him now—

Wait. Why are Connor’s arms around him?

If Evan wasn’t terrified that the pounding of his heart was going to wake Connor up, he might have laughed. Because it is funny. He wouldn’t have pegged Connor as a cuddler, and it’s kinda the most adorable thing he’s ever witnessed. Well, kinda witnessed, since it’s dark and his eyes are still closed.

Evan reminds himself that Connor isn’t aware or in control of the actions of sleep Connor, so it would probably be best if Evan untangled himself. He didn’t want to take advantage. Besides, Connor probably wouldn’t be doing this if Evan told him the night before that he may possibly have a lot of feelings for him.

Slowly he tries to pull away, to move more toward the edge of the bed. Sleep Connor doesn’t let him. Instead, he pulls Evan to him, keeping Evan in place. Evan feels Connor burry his head between Evan’s shoulder and neck. Connor’s lips murmur something almost inaudible.

Evan freezes. 

Connor’s not coming to, he’s mumbling in his sleep. Evan’s changed his mind. _That_ is the most adorable thing he’s ever witnessed.

Evan doesn’t try to move again. Eventually, he’s able to relax into Connor. He’s still trying not to make it weird, but Connor’s comfortable and smells good, and a little part of Evan is very happy.

When Connor does wake up, it’s half an hour later and to the startling sound of someone banging on the door. 

“Jesus Christ!” Connor sits up quickly, rolling Evan, who’s still pretending that he was asleep, over. “Sorry.”

“Morning,” Evan mumbles back.

Connor groans as he swings himself out of the bed. He flicks the light switch before moving to the door. Evan rubs his eyes. Although Connor’s back is facing him, Evan can see how much of a mess his hair is. He stops himself from laughing. 

Connor partially opens the door. Evan sees Zoe over his shoulder.

“Do you have any idea what time—” Connor start’s but Zoe cuts him off.

“I know, but I’ve been thinking all night,” she’s talking very fast. Evan’s pretty sure she’s consumed a lot of coffee very quickly. “Connor, it’s not even that early, if we had school today you’d have to be up already.”

“I don’t take morning classes,” Connor informs her. 

Evan realizes that, had Zoe not started pounding on the door, Connor probably would have slept for the next three hours. Evan’s not sure he would have been able to handle that. 

“Oh, well sorry,” she brushes off. “But I need to—”

Zoe’s eyes stretch past Connor and fall on Evan. This would be a really great time for him to melt into the bed and never be seen again. He can feel his face heating up. 

“Hi, Zoe,” he attempts a wave.

“Oh my God,” Zoe’s looking at Connor now. There’s a weird smile on her face.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Connor tells her. He sounds annoyed.

“Oh really,” Zoe crosses her arms. She’s smirking. 

“Get inside already,” Connor pulls her into the room. “You’re gonna wake up the whole fucking floor.”

“Morning, Evan,” Zoe says to him brightly.

He feels like it’s very apparent that he’s wearing Connor’s clothes. Not that the clothes are any more of an implication than him sleeping in Connor’s bed. Yeah, that’s probably the biggest hint that something (that actually didn’t happen) happened last night. Evan wants to hide under the covers, but he’s pretty sure that neither of the Murphy siblings would appreciate that. 

“Okay,” Connor looks to his sister. “Why are you here?”

“I’m going to tell them,” Zoe states.

Evan watches Connor face contort. 

“No, you’re not.” He’s probably trying to sound dismissing, but instead it comes out as concerned. 

Evan’s only watched the two of them interact once before, and that was when they were yelling at each other. This is a lot different. It’s almost like they’re different people all together.

No, this is the same Connor that he knows, and he doesn’t think that Zoe changes her face. This is Evan’s Connor talking to Zoe. Does that mean that the Connor Evan’s falling for is Connor’s real self?

“Connor,” Zoe brings Evan’s attention back to focus. “It’s not really your decision.”

“Zoe,” he mimics her tone. “It’s a bad idea. You know it’s a bad idea. That’s why you’re telling me. I’m the fucking king of bad ideas, but even I know you’re not doing this.”

“I’m not gonna pretend I’m something I’m not anymore,” Zoe exclaims. 

“You’ve been out for less than a day and only to me and Alana,” Connor says in a stern voice. Evan didn’t realize he was capable of that voice.

“And that made me realize I don’t want to hide,” Zoe doesn’t miss a beat.

“They’re not gonna understand,” Connor crosses his arms.

“I don’t care,” Zoe tells him.

“You say that now but—”

“I’m sick of being the good one,” she sounds so exasperated. 

“That’s because you’ve never been the bad one,” Connor says back.

They’re both silent for a second. Evan feels like they’re having another conversation now, one that only they can hear.

“We’re making Evan uncomfortable,” Connor turns to him.

“No,” Evan stammers. “You’re not, I’m not.”

“Sorry, Evan,” Zoe says.

“It’s okay,” Evan replies quickly. “Um, can I ask what you’re talking about?”

Zoe looks at her brother, an unsure expression crossing her face. He thinks she’s about to ask him something, maybe if it’s oaky to tell Evan anything, but then Connor speaks.

“Zoe’s a lesbian,” he says in a monotone.

“Wow,” Zoe rolls her eyes.

This is definitely a private conversation. 

“I can leave if,” Evan starts.

“No, it’s alright,” Zoe shakes her head.

Connor walks to the bed and sits down. Zoe leans on his desk. Evan can still see both of them. He still doesn’t feel like he should be here. 

“I’m guessing you haven’t slept,” Connor says to his sister.

“Not exactly,” she shakes her head.

“You’re not thinking clearly then,” he comments.

“Okay,” she sighs. “Maybe I’m not, but I don’t care.”

“Usually it’s me saying that,” he mutters.

“Connor,” Zoe says softly.

“And we both know how it ends every time,” he continues.

“I didn’t come here for your permission,” she says heavily.

“Okay.” He nods, then sighs, then looks at her. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“I know you don’t want to,” she says sadly.

“If you haven’t noticed,” he replies smugly. “I’m trying to be a decent brother.”

“I could use a getaway car,” her voice is small now.

“I can manage that,” he smiles at her.

“Thanks,” she smiles back.

Connor stands up.

“But let me get dressed,” he tells her.

Zoe laughs.

“I can get out of your hair,” Evan speaks up. “If that’s—”

“We’re dropping Evan off first,” Connor cuts him off.

“Okay,” Zoe nods.

Evan figures he doesn’t have a say. If the two of them agree, then they’re decision is probably law.

* * *

On the drive to Evan’s house, Connor tries to keep his eyes on the road in front of him and not on his two passengers. Zoe’s sitting next to him, he can hear her tapping on the window. Evan’s in the seat behind him. He can hear Evan breathing. Connor’s pretty sure he’s trying to breath very slowly. It’s his attempt at acting natural. It’s only managing to grate Connor’s nerves. 

“So,” Connor clears his throat. “You’ve been hanging out with Alana?”

“Oh, no, not really,” Zoe’s blushing. She’s really bad at hiding this. “We have a few classes together. She talks a lot.”

“Tell me about it,” Connor mutters.

“It’s nice,” Zoe muses.

“Right,” he corrects his tone. “I mean, yeah, she’s nice.”

“She didn’t tell me she works with you,” Zoe states.

“Yeah,” Connor nods. “She usually has the shift before or after.”

Silence drips by slowly. 

“How’d you two sleep?” Zoe asks suddenly. 

Connor takes his eyes away from the rode for a moment to glare at her. She winces, apparently not realizing how the question sounded.

“Yeah,” Evan stammers. “I mean, great? Sorry.”

Connor can feel the embarrassment radiating behind him. They spend the rest of the drive to Evan’s house in silence.

“Okay,” Connor says as he pulls up in front of the driveway.  

“Thanks for the ride!” Evan’s already scrambling outside.

“Hey,” Connor calls after him, opening his window.

“Yeah?” Evan jerks around, looking at him questioningly.

“Can you,” Connor’s not really sure what he wanted to say. He just knows he doesn’t want Evan to run back to normalcy that quickly. “I’ll call you later today?”

“Okay,” Evan nods then smiles. “Yeah.”

Connor rolls the window back up. Evan continues walking to his front door. Connor waits until he’s gone inside to drive away. 

“Well,” Zoe says tentatively.

“Whatever you’re about to say,” Connor starts warningly.

“I was just going to ask if you wanted to talk about it,” she cuts him off.

“By ‘it’ I assume you mean Evan,” he sighs for what feels like the hundredth time this morning.

“Yeah,” she confirms. 

“Not really,” he admits.

“That’s fine,” she doesn’t try to conceal the grin growing on her face.

He looks at her through narrowed eyes.

“What?” she asks innocently. 

“You’re smiling and it’s creepy,” he deadpans.

“I’m just happy you guys made up,” she tells him. “He seemed really scared the other day.”

Connor swallows. The air around him threatens to freeze.

“I meant for you, not of you,” she sounds close to annoyed. 

“Right,” Connor nods.

He’s being closed off. She doesn’t like it. He doesn’t really either. This isn’t going to work if they’re not together. 

“He waited outside my dorm yesterday,” Connor let’s the information slip out. “For three hours.”

Zoe whistles.

“I apologized,” he continues. “He did too, even though he really didn’t have to.”

She nods encouragingly.

“And then we told each other a bunch of things that we probably shouldn’t have told anyone.”

He can hear that setting in.

“Meaning things about last year?” She asks quietly.

“Yes,” he confirms. 

“That’s good,” she says softly. 

“How is it good that I’m messed up?” he says too harshly.

“Well, he still ended up in your bed,” she responds.

He groans.

“We didn’t—”

“Believe it or not but that was not supposed to sound sexual,” she says quickly.

“Right,” he chuckles and draws out the word.

“Shut up,” she rolls her eyes. “I meant that he didn’t run away.”

“No,” Connor smiles now. “He didn’t.”

“And that’s good,” Zoe adds. 

“He trusts me,” Connor believes this. 

“See,” she grins. 

“And I’m happy,” he admits.

“So am I,” she sounds proud.

“But,” he starts. 

“Here we go,” she mutters.

“Shut up,” he tells her. “But, it’s also awful.”

“Yeah, I’m not following.” 

“He trusts me,” Connor repeats. “There is no way I’m going to betray that by coming onto him.”

“Could you just tell him that you like him?” Zoe asks.

“No,” he shakes his head.

“Why?”

“Because Evan Hansen doesn’t let people in, Zoe!” he can hear his own exasperation. “He bottles everything up and hides from the world. If I tell him I have feelings for him then he’ll think I want them to be returned. It’ll ruin everything.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment. She feels bad for him. That thought normally makes him sick. This time it doesn’t. Evan always has to be the exception to everything.

“That sucks,” she finally says.

“It does,” he agrees. 

They don’t talk for a bit. Zoe puts his radio on. They don’t have the same taste in music, so they spend the next few minutes lightly arguing about which station to keep it on and eventually agreeing that all remix stations suck. 

“I called Mom while you were changing,” she lets him know. 

He nods.

“So,” his voice wavers on serious. “Do you know what you’re gonna say?”

“Not really,” she admits. “I think I’m just going to blurt it in the most embarrassing way possible.”

“Perfect,” he laughs.

She does too, but he can feel how anxious she is. He lets her choose the music for the rest of the car ride. 

* * *

His mother hugs them when they open the door. She’s smiling, but Connor can tell from her expression that she thinks somethings wrong. She probably assumes it’s about him. That’s not completely unfair. Still, they pretend for three minutes that everything is fine.

She walks them inside. Zoe says that classes are good. Connor’s asked what he’s been up to. He admits to having a job. His mother’s eyes smile for a split second. Then she remembers that, no matter how alright he is doing, he wouldn’t have consented to coming home unless something bad was happening. 

Their father is in the living room. They gather there. Connor figures that in Zoe’s call she made it clear that they were coming to talk. This is the typical “family meeting” formation that Connor despises with most of this being, only because the last time (the last hundred times) they’ve done this was because he did something wrong.

He has to remind himself that this is different. 

His father is sitting in his armchair, isolated and overseeing. When Connor was younger he deemed that chair as a position of power. It’s hard to rework thoughts.

Their mother is sitting on the love seat that a relative gave them and neither parent thought to throw out. Usually Zoe sits next to her. Theres room for two, and Connor claimed the couch as a kid. That choice later doomed him to a hostile isolation, different from his father’s empowering one. The couch is too big for one person, but big enough for Connor and all his problems to sit on display.

Zoe is the first to break the barrier. She sits next to him. He watches her drum her fingers on her knees. This isn’t about Connor. It’s about Zoe. He’s not going to pull focus. He’s just going to sit next to her, and maybe pull her away if things get ugly.

“So, um, I have something to say,” Zoe’s voice is as shaky as her hands. “And I don’t want you guys to be mad.”

Connor watches her fumble for words. Rarely has he ever seen her like this.

“But if you are, then I—”

“If you are, then she’s going to walk out that door,” his voice is firm. 

He sounds so much more confident that he is. Zoe looks at him. He nods as subtly as he can. They’re on the same side here. He has her back if she needs him. 

“Maybe a little less dramatically, but, yeah, what Connor said,” she continues. “It’s, I understand its not something that you want to hear, but I have to say it because I don’t want to be someone that I’m not—”

“Honey, what’s wrong?” This time it’s their mother that cuts the stammering off. Concern is etched in her face. Connor’s seen her like this so many times before, but it always makes something drop in his stomach. 

“Nothings wrong,” Zoe says quickly. “That’s the thing. Nothing’s wrong with me, and I understand that and I hope that you guys can to—”

“Just say it,” Connor whispers through her rambling. 

“I’m gay.”

It comes out as ungraceful as when she blurted it to him through the phone. But this time he can see her face. He can see the fear in it. She wasn’t afraid when she told him, there were too many other boiling emotions. 

Connor’s gaze travels to the two people who decide his sister’s fate. Their father is stone faced, but their mother is not.

“Oh, sweetie,” she breaks first.

The next thing either sibling knows, they’re being pulled into a tight hug. It’s the kind of hug that only a mother can give. Connor’s shrugged off so many when he was younger, and he can’t remember the last time she thought it would be okay to include him in one.

“This isn’t really the reaction I thought you’d have.” There’s a shocked humor in Zoe’s voice. 

“I’m your mother,” she sounds like she’s trying not to cry. She releases them from the embrace to say: “I’m always going to love you, both of you, no matter what.”

She looks at Connor on the last sentence.

“But I thought,” Zoe stammers. 

“I know that we may not have approached the most accepting outlook before,” their mother starts. 

Connor scoffs. 

“And that’s our fault as parents,” she continues. “But that’s not what is important. If this is who you say you are, then okay.”

“Really?” Zoe’s smiling now.

“We’re not about to loose you. Not over this. Right, Larry?”

All eyes fall on the man sitting in the arm chair. His face isn’t stone anymore. He nods to what their mother is saying. Connor imagines this is hard for him. He knows his father’s feelings on the subject. It’s the reason Connor never meant to come out, the reason Connor never trusted him, the reason that Connor always knew he was such a fucking disappointment. 

Their father is probably upset that they’re having this meeting about Zoe and not Connor. It would be so much easier to riddle off sexuality as another thing wrong with Connor. But there isn’t anything wrong with Zoe. She’s still perfect, even if she’s gay.

“Is Connor here for moral support?” their mother asks the two of them.

Connor keeps his cringe at how sweet that sounds hidden. He’s not going to ruin the moment this time. 

“Yeah,” Zoe nods. “He is.”

“She told me yesterday,” Connor puts forth. 

Their mother smiles. He hasn’t seen her look this happy in a long time. In fact, both of their parents look happy. Connor didn’t realize that he could still have that effect on them.

“I’m glad you two are getting along again,” it’s their father that speaks now. 

Connor doesn’t know what to say, but Zoe saves him.

“So am I,” she states. 

This is weird. It’s disorienting. He’s always imagined that his parents would be slightly upset if he and Zoe ever ended up on the same team again, because it would mean that she was his sister over their daughter. But that wasn’t how Zoe was acting. She was hugging both of them. Maybe Connor’s logic had been flawed from the start. Maybe Zoe could be both. 

He hadn’t realized that was possible. 

“Well, that was kinda it,” Zoe says in a humored tone. 

“Did you two eat yet?” Their mother asks.

“She dragged me out of my dorm at six in the morning,” Connor says dryly.

“Eight, and you should have been up anyway,” Zoe dismisses. “No, Mom, we didn’t eat.” 

“We could go out,” she suggests. “That pancake place you like should be open around now.”

She glances at their father.

“Why not,” he shrugs with a subtle smile. 

“Okay, I guess,” Zoe decides. 

Connor knows he’s stuck anyway, but he might as well keep the happy family pretense going a little longer. 

“Yeah,” he shrugs. “Yeah, sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented on (or even just read) the last two chapters. I know it's cheesy as fuck for me to say that writing fanfiction is emotionally draining, but being in these guy's heads can be kinda exhausting (idk if this is an empath thing or I'm just very emotional). Of course this is never enough to make me stop writing, but I can't express how amazing it is to know that I made someone else feel something.  
> Sorry, this is hella sappy. But thanks guys!


	19. Stay Here Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is everything okay?” he asks Connor slowly.
> 
> “Why wouldn’t it be?” Connor asks brightly.
> 
> “No reason, I guess.” Evan’s confused.
> 
> “Are those your pajamas?” Connor asks with a raised eyebrow.
> 
> “Maybe,” Evan crosses his arms.
> 
> Connor was knocking loudly on the door, so he’d thought that it would be better to get there as soon as possible. In case someone they knew was dying or something like that.

Zoe does most of the talking during breakfast, but Connor doesn’t deflect the questions posed to him. His father asks about his job, and Connor admits that it’s not a lot of work, but the pay is nice and he needs something to get him out of his room. Both parents seem glad he’s doing something “productive,” and he doesn’t visibly roll his eyes. Zoe mainly talks about school, but she makes a point of very subtly mentioning Evan. Connor’s about to be irritated, but his mother’s face light’s up at the thought of Connor having a friend. It honestly reminds him of how Heidi looked when he’d gone to dinner at Evan’s.

It’s mid day by the time they’re driving back.

“You know,” he says to her as he’s pulling into the school. “You should go for Alana.”

“What makes you say that?” she asks all too quickly.

“You really suck at hiding it,” he tells her flatly.

“It’s not that obvious is it?” she groans.

“Probably to anyone but Alana,” he shrugs.

“Oh god.”

“Just ask her if she wants to see a movie of something,” he suggests. “She’ll probably talk you ear off, but judging on the way you listen to her I'm guessing you wouldn’t mind that.”

“Fuck off,” she says teasingly.

“Nope,” he responds.

“So you think I have a shot?” she asks, more serious now.

“More than just a shot,” he confirms.

“I don’t know, Connor,” she sounds pained.

“Hey, I’m not saying you have to,” he tells her. “I’m saying you should.”

“Then I’m saying you should go for Evan,” she bounces back.

“I already told you,” he exhales.

“Yeah, and I thought about it,” she jumps on a speech he realizes she’s been preparing.

“Zoe,” he tries.

“If he trusts you, then you trust him right?” she asks.

“Yeah?”

“Then trust him not to freak out if he doesn’t feel the same way,” she concludes.

“Zoe,” he doesn’t really want to play this card. “Evan has a thing for you.”

“He doesn’t anymore,” she says coolly.

“Whatever,” he shrugs.

“Look,” she starts again. “Maybe if he knew you were interested he’d realize that he is too.”

“That sounds so much like me pressuring him into it,” Connor points out.

“It’s not what I meant,” she sighs.

“But what if he was unsure and then we hooked up and then he realized he didn’t like it?” Connor asks. “I can’t leave him and still be with him. I’m not that strong.”

She doesn’t have a response to this. He’s pretty sure she finally understands. She doesn’t understand Evan Hansen, but she’s close to understanding Connor. Close enough to get this much.

“I’m sorry,” she relents. “I won’t bring it up again.”

He’ll accept this. He doesn’t want to be frustrated. He knows that she was trying to help.

“Today went well,” he comments.

“Yeah,” she nods.

“I like being on your side,” he tells her.

“I like you being on my side,” she replies with a grin. A second passes before she shyly asks: “You think we’re gonna be okay?”

“I hope so.”

* * *

Connor calls Evan when he gets back to his room. This is partly because he did very awkwardly say that he would, and partly because he really doesn’t have anything better to do.

“Hey,” he said when Evan picked up. He learned that it was easier to talk first when calling Evan. It seemed to make him more comfortable.

“Hi!” Evan chirps from the other end. “How was, um, what you and Zoe were doing?”

“I’m guessing you pieced most of it together,” Connor assumes.

“Yeah,” Evan admits. “How’d your parents take it?”

“A lot better than I thought they would,” Connor says honestly.

“Really?” Evan sounds glad.

“Actually, I’d say they took it really well,” Connor tells him.

“Oh,” Evan sounds surprised. “That’s good then?”

“Yeah, it is.” Connor confirms. “It was still weird though, being with my family is always weird.”

“Yeah,” Evan says softly.

“I say that a lot, don’t I?” Connor realizes.

“Yeah,” Evan repeated.

“I’m grinning, just so you know,” Connor tells him.

“I am too,” Evan giggles.

“Good,” Connor likes the sound of Evan’s giggle.

“Good,” Evan echoes.

“Thanks for staying over last night,” Connor says with a bit more weight.

“Why are you thanking me?” Evan asks lightly. “You’re the one who gave up half your bed.”

“True,” Connor chuckles. “But I think it grounded me that you didn’t leave. Sometimes, even if it was good to cry and get emotions out, doing so makes me feel empty.”

“Did you feel empty last night?” Evan asks in a smaller voice. “You could have told me.”

“I didn’t, not really, I was actually really happy,” Connor admits. “But I’m not sure I would have been if you hadn’t been there.”

“Oh.” He imagines Evan’s nodding. “You’re welcome?”

Connor laughs.

“I gotta go,” Evan says after a moment. “My Mom’s calling me.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” he asks tentatively.

“You will,” Connor smiles into his phone.

“Bye, Connor,” Evan says before hanging up.

“Bye.”

* * *

The next Saturday Connor shows up outside of Evan’s house without warning. Evan doesn’t mind, of course, but usually Connor calls or texts ahead of time. At first he thinks there’s been some sort of emergency, but when he opens the door Connor has a huge smirk on his face.

“Is everything okay?” he asks Connor slowly.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Connor asks brightly.

“No reason, I guess.” Evan’s confused.

“Are those your pajamas?” Connor asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Maybe,” Evan crosses his arms.

Connor was knocking loudly on the door, so he’d thought that it would be better to get there as soon as possible. In case someone they knew was dying or something like that.

“I thought you were a morning person,” Connor comments.

“I am,” Evan stammers. “But I was trying to sleep in because I was up late last night, and—why are you laughing at me?”

“If I makes you feel better, it’s more with you than at you.” Connor doesn’t hide his chuckling.

“It doesn’t feel with me,” Evan mutters, only slightly wishing he was back in bed.

“Morning, Heidi!” Connor calls over Evan’s shoulder.

“Good morning, Connor,” Evan’s mother calls back.

Connor brushes past Evan, striding into the house as if he owns the place. Evan pinned the confidence on the good mood.

“Of course you can come in,” he mumbles sarcastically, eyes watching Connor.

“What was that?” Connor probably heard him.

“Nothing,” he replies.

“Hey, go put some clothes on,” Connor instructs

“Why?” Evan asks, because he honestly doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Heidi, I’m going to have to steal your son for the day, if that’s alright.” Connor says to his mother.

“I don’t think he has any plans,” she remarks thoughtfully.

“I’m standing right here,” Evan says to the both of them.

“Evan are those your pajamas?” his mother asks.

Connor laughs. Evan rolls his eyes, but the annoyance isn’t real. It’s nearly impossible to be annoyed at Connor when he’s laughing like that, even if he won’t tell Evan what’s going on. Without saying anything, Evan goes back to his room and throws on the first pants and shirt he finds. Only when he’s sitting in Connor’s car does he question his friend again.

“Okay,” he clears his throat. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Connor says with a grin.

“I’m not good with surprises,” Evan warns.

“You’ll like this one,” Connor replies. “I promise.”

“Yeah, that’s what everyone says,” Evan tells him. “But it doesn’t stop anticipation for killing me.”

He’s being over dramatic, but it’s only fair. Connor’s having way too much fun with whatever mystery he’s concocted.

“We’re going to a place you won’t have to deal with people,” Connor assures him. “Does that help?”

“Kinda,” Evan admits.

Connor puts the car in gear. His hair is in a bun. It took Evan’s sleeping brain this long to notice. He likes it. Connor’s hair is beautiful, but he likes being able to see Connor’s face without any hinderance. It’s hard to look away from him, and, honestly, Evan’s not really trying to.

“You can put music on,” Connor tells him.

“Right,” Evan turns on the radio. “What station is this?”

“The top forty shit my sister listens to,” Connor shrugs.

Connor’s been spending more time with Zoe this past week. Since Connor spends most of his time with Evan, that means Evan has also been spending more time with Zoe. He was a little surprised when she decided that she was going to eat lunch with them on Tuesday, and even more surprised when Alana joined them as well. He hadn’t known they were friends. Later that day, Connor had whispered to him that pretty soon the girls would be more than just friends. Evan won’t deny that he likes being on the inside of something.

“Connor, this isn’t top forty,” he informs him.

“Whatever,” Connor rolls his eyes. “Okay, now you’re laughing at me.”

“Yes,” Evan grins. “But I can admit it.”

“Very funny,” Connor says dryly.

“So, did Zoe ask Alana out yet?” Evan wonders.

“She chickened out again,” Connor fakes an overblown sigh.

“Is that the third time?” Evan’s certain it is.

“In one week,” Connor rolls his eyes.

“They’ll get there,” Evan shrugs.

“I don’t like waiting,” Connor complains.

“You just want to tease them,” Evan points out.

“Yeah,” Connor doesn’t deny. “I’m out of pining jokes but I have so many lesbian jokes.”

“I don’t think Alana would find it funny,” Evan tells him.

“You never know,” Connor shrugs.

“I don’t think she finds anything funny actually,” Evan says now that he’s thinking about it.

“I think I’ve seen her laugh before,” Connor ponders.

“A real laugh or a ‘I’m laughing so you’re less uncomfortable’ laugh?” Evan questions.

“Shit, what’s the difference?”

“I can’t even explain,” he shakes his head.

“Are you gonna change the music or—”

“Oh, right!” Evan quickly grabs one of Connor’s CDs. “Sorry.”

“You just broke the car apology rule,” Connor informs him.

“Shoot.”

Connor bursts into a laugh.

“Shut up,” Evan rolls his eyes.

“Fine,” Connor draws out the word. “But, seriously, you never need to say that to me.”

“Never is a very strong word,” Evan chooses to take Connor’s statement lightly. He can tell Connor’s not going for a heart to heart in the middle of the freeway.

“Hey, Hansen,” Connor smirks. “You know what else is a strong word?”

“You’re making fun of me," Evan groans.

“Fuck.”

“So funny,” he laces his voice with sarcasm.

“You’re laughing,” Connor points out.

“I’m laughing at your hair,” Evan decides.

“Oh really?” Connor raises and eyebrow. “Is it not good enough for your oh so high and mighty blue polo shirt standards?”

“What’s wrong with my shirts?” Evan fakes an offended expression.

“Nothing! They’re great!” Connor takes him seriously. “I didn’t mean—”

He watches Connor stumble for the right words for a second, before what Evan’s doing seems to click in his mind.

“You’re messing with me,” he says dryly.

“Only a little bit,” Evan admits.

They both laugh.

Evan ends up liking the random CD he chose, and then don’t talk for the next half an hour. It’s only when the CD restarts itself that Evan realizes they’ve been driving for half an hour and things are starting to look less familiar.

“So when you told my mom you’d be borrowing me for the day,” Evan starts.

“I meant the whole day,” Connor finishes. “If that’s alright with you.”

“Now you ask that,” Evan’s slightly surprised.

“I’m trying to be spontaneous,” Connor tells him, a mischievous gleam in his eye. “Plus, you wouldn’t have gotten in the car with me if you weren’t at least curious.”

“I’m more than curious,” Evan lets him know. “Can we stop for food though?”

“There's a breakfast place I know that we should reach in about ten minutes,” Connor tells him.

“Okay,” Evan nods. “If there’s food, I’ll go with spontaneous.

After waffles and another hour of driving, Connor parks the car and jumps out. Evan’s never been this far out of the city, but Connor seems comfortable. He wonders if this is what Connor does when he’s sick of other people. He can imagine Connor driving as far as he can with only his car radio to keep him company. It’s a melancholy thought. Evan doesn’t like to think of Connor alone.

With a little less enthusiasm than his friend, he pulls himself out of the car.

“Welcome to the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard,” Connor announces. “Or, what used to be the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard.”

Evan can see the trees past the rusted gate. He can feel the wind, and smell the unpolluted air. Everything here is calm.

“Are we breaking into a run down orchard?” he asks, dumbfounded.

“Not really breaking,” Connor shrugs. “The gates not that tall, we can just climb it.”

“But it’s still illegal,” Evan points out.

“Mildly,” Connor shrugs.

“That’s not a thing,” Evan informs him.

“Come on, Hansen,” Connor starts walking to the gate. “Live a little.”

Connor gets over the gate easily, and helps Evan down as he does the same. Evan stops himself from asking how many times Connor has done this. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to know. Once they’re inside, however, he does forget that they’re not supposed to be there. The view is amazing, it’s better than the hikes that Evan goes on.

Since the orchard is closed down, Evan’s sure that no one’s taken care of it in years and it shows. Yet, instead of looking run down, it’s as if nature has taken over. The grass is long and the branches of the trees aren’t regulated. Weeds mix with flowers along the ground. If childhood Evan saw this he would have called it a fairy garden.

“It’s amazing,” he voices.

“I thought you’d like it,” Connor says warmly. “Come on, it gets better.”

Evan follows Connor. They race through the trees until Connor stops them at a wide field. Evan lets out a long exhale. Connor laughs, but this time Evan knows it is with him. Connor throws down a backpack that Evan hadn’t noticed him bring with them.

“I packed lunch,” he says. “But since we just ate breakfast we can wait a while.”

“You thought of everything,” Evan sits down on the grass.

“Well, it’s still drive through,” Connor admits. “Trust me, you don’t want to witness much less consume my cooking.”

Evan laughs.

“My parents used to take Zoe and me here all the time back when it was open,” Connor sits down next to him. “I just remembered it the other day.”

“It’s beautiful,” Evan exhales.

“Yeah,” Connor grins. “I like it better now. It’s more private. Would have sucked if our day was ruined by loud tourists.”

Evan laughs again.

“We used to picnic here,” Connor lays flat. His hair mingles with the grass. “I guess I’m feeling nostalgic or something. Although, we didn’t eat fast food.”

“How older were you when you came here?” Evan lays down too, his eyes getting lost in the endless blue sky.

“I can’t even remember,” Connor answers. “Maybe ten, twelve at the oldest. That was back before everything got—well, you know.”

“Yeah,” Evan doesn’t want him to talk about anything that happened after. He doesn’t want him to think about it. Not right now.

“Zoe and I used to race each other here,” Connor tells him.

“That’s cute,” Evan says before he can stop himself.

“She won every time,” Connor says gravely.

“Seriously?”

“Dude, never race her.” Connor sounds overly serious, and it’s really hard for Evan not to burst out laughing. “Like ever. She starts off slow, and right when you think you’re winning she’ll pass you.”

“I want to see this,” Evan decides.

“You don’t,” Connor warns. “It’s scary.”

“Maybe you’ll win now,” Evan suggests.

“I doubt it,” Connor chuckles now. “I wanted to bring you here since you like trees so much. And since it’s closed down so we don’t have to worry about what anyone else is thinking.”

“Thank you,” Evan means this more than Connor will understand.

“Don’t mention it,” Connor brushes off.

“I’m serious, Connor.” Evan rolls onto his stomach and props himself up with his arms so Connor can see his face. “No one’s ever done something like this for me.”

A momentary sadness passes through Connor’s eyes, but it’s gone as soon as it appears.

“Well, I’ve never done something like this for anyone,” Connor replies. “So we’re in the same boat.

“Okay,” Evan smiles at him. “Do you maybe wanna climb a tree?”

“Hell yes,” Connor jumps up and extends his hand to Evan.

They run from tree to tree until Evan finds the best one to climb. Connor’s a bit better at it than he was the last time, but Evan can tell that the thought of falling is freaking him out. Evan stops at about mid hight, and waits for Connor to catch up. They talk more about Zoe and Alana, hatching schemes (that probably won’t be needed) to get the two together.

Eventually they go back to the ground and eat lunch. Evan convinces Connor to race him through the field. Connor wins, but neither of them care. They’re basking in the freedom. Evan wishes that this day could last for the rest of eternity. He wished that time could slow around them and make this day longer than all others. Unfortunately, the sun doesn’t heed his wish.

“We should head back,” Connor says reluctantly. “It’s a long drive.”

“Yeah,” Evan nods.

They keep talking for the walk back and most of the car ride. Even the silence in between is okay, because Evan doesn’t feel like Connor is waiting for him to say something. It’s close to seven when Connor pulls up in front of Evan’s house.

“Thanks again,” Evan tells him.

“I did it more for me than you,” Connor decides. “I was the one who got to see you gape over trees.”

“Right,” Evan laughs.

He tuns away from the car. He’s pretty sure that Connor couldn’t hear the way Evan’s heart skipped a beat when he said that last part. As he reaches his door he hears Connor drive away. It’s only when Evan’s inside and Connor’s gone that he can admit to himself that the joy that filled him for the entire day is fading away and being replaced by a wallowing melancholy.

“I didn’t realize when Connor said he was going to borrow you for the day, he meant the entire day.” Evan hears his mother turn the corner into their living room before he sees her. “What were you two—”

Her voice trails off when she sees him. He guesses his emotions aren’t well hidden. He doesn’t have the energy to fake a smile.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she walks to him quickly.

“I,” Evan closes his eyes. “I think I’m in love with him.”

“Sweetie,” she sounds confused. “That’s not a bad thing.”

“No, Mom,” he hears how broken his voice is. “I can’t—”

“Evan,” she wraps her arms around him, guides him forward toward the couch. “Sit down.”

Evan sinks into the couch, then into his mother’s arms.

“He took me to an apple orchard because he thought I’d like the trees,” he tells her. He can control his voice a little better now.

“Did you?” she rubs a soothing circle in his shoulder.

“Yes,” he pulls back to tell her. “It was amazing. Everything was so amazing.”

She runs her hands over his cheek, wiping away a tear. He didn’t realize he was crying. When did he start crying?

“I don’t want to ruin it,” he whispers.

“You won’t,” she tells him.

“I’m his only friend,” he stresses. “I’m the only one he’s let in.”

“It’s okay,” she soothes.

“What if he thinks I was only friends with him because I wanted to—”

Evan can’t finish, he’s choking on his words. He can’t imagine loosing Connor’s trust, loosing Connor. He’s come too close to that already.

“Evan,” his mother whispers. “He’s not going to think that.”

“But what if he does?” Evan stammers.

“He knows you better than that,” she assured him.

“What if he thinks he doesn’t know me at all?” That thought is the scariest yet. Evan’s shown Connor his entire self. He won’t be able to handle Connor dismissing him.

“He won’t,” she keeps rubbing his shoulder. The touch brings him back to the ground. He’s still dizzy.

“I can’t tell him,” he decides.

“You don’t have to,” she says. “But you don’t have to keep it from him either.”

“What if he runs away?” Evan’s voice is soft.

“He’s not going to,” she says firmly. In a different, slightly brighter tone, she asks: “Honey, how long have you felt this way?”

“I don’t know,” Evan admits. “It might have been when we first met? I don’t think it was, but I might have just been conniving myself. I think I knew after—”

He can’t finish that. He’s talked himself into a corner.

“After?” His mother prompts, looking at him with a gaze he can only call suspicious.

“He, um,” Evan can hear his voice getting smaller. “Accidentally kissed me.”

“He what?”

“He wasn’t himself, it didn’t mean anything,” Evan quickly tries to explain. “And then he freaked out after, he thought that he was assaulting me or something.”

“Did it feel like he was?” her voice is strong, so much stronger than his.

“No, Mom,” Evan shakes his head quickly. “He was mid break down. He was just lost and tried to latch on. Then he ran away, and I—I got really scared. I thought that he was going to hurt himself.”

“He didn’t, did he?” A different emotion crosses her face.

“No,” Evan confirms. “No, he didn’t.”

“Evan,” her voice is gentle, but there’s something behind it. “I know you’ve said and his parents aren’t close.”

“They’re not,” Evan states.

“If he ever does something to himself, or if you ever think he’s going to, I need you to tell me.” She looks worried. “Okay?”

For a second, Evan’s relieved. He was ready to be the only one protecting Connor, but somehow it’s so much easier to bare that knowing that his mom has his back. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to tell Connor about what she just said, but he hopes that maybe Connor will be able to feel that this woman worries about him too.

“Mom, I wouldn’t know how to go to anyone else,” he assures her. “But he’s okay right now.”

She nods. His relief fades away, panic etching its way back.

“What am I gonna do?” he drops his head backward into the couch.

“I think sleep is a good place to start,” she states.

“I can’t.”

“Don’t do anything until you get a goodnight’s sleep and think everything over,” she instructs.

“I’m not exaggerating when I say I think I love him,” Evan wants to make clear. Love isn’t a word he takes lightly. Not after he’s seen others throw it away.

“I’m not saying you are,” she tells him gently.

“He’s amazing,” Evan whispers.

“He seems amazing,” she agrees.

“But I don’t want to be a reason that he hurts.” The thought alone is terrifying. “He hurts too much.”

“Then the two of you have something in common,” she says softly.

“Yeah.”

“Sleep now,” she stands up, pulling him to his feet as well. “Think tomorrow.”

“Okay,” he nods. “Thanks, Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I "For Forever"ed it.


	20. Becoming My Life Vest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A buzzing noise joins the hum of the rain. Evan jumps slightly, then pulls out his phone with an embarrassed smile. Connor watches the smile fade into something akin to fear. Evan’s face is paling. Connor steps closer to him.
> 
> “Are you okay?” he asks worriedly.
> 
> “Yeah,” Evan mutters. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
> 
> There isn’t any effort put into the lie. It falls flat, and doesn’t attempt to hide that Evan’s hands are now visibly shaking.
> 
> “You don’t look fine,” Connor tells him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I mentioned it in my first author's note, but this story was partly infused by the song of the same name by The Material. I'm leaving the link here since it's probably most relevant for this chapter (and Chapter 17 but I forgot to drop it in that note).
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4cjvxydHuU

Connor’s pretty sure his bad luck has come back. He’s standing under the school library’s over hang, wondering if it’s at all possible for him to get from there to his dorm without getting completely soaked by the relentless, pouring rain. He didn’t bring an umbrella. He doesn’t own an umbrella. He should probably buy an umbrella.

He’s in the middle of a mental debate of whether it’s better to wait the rain out or run and change his clothes when he gets back to his room, when he’s startled into focus by a tap on his shoulder.

“Hey,” Evan greets him.

“I didn’t know you were in there,” Connor comments.

“I had to look something up for class,” Evan shrugs.

He’s not carrying any books. Connor figures he spent most of his time hiding in one of the lesser visited aisles.

“You don’t have an umbrella either?” he asks.

“I never do,” Evan tells him. “It brings down the chances of a mysterious stranger rescuing me.”

Evan’s grinning now. When he grins like that his eyes get this shine in them. Connor doesn’t know how to describe it, but it’s intoxicating.

“You already knew me,” he corrects. “So not stranger, and I’m probably the least mysterious person you know.”

“I don’t know a lot of people,” Evan reminds him.

“Please tell me you wouldn’t have gotten into my car if I was a stranger,” Connor nearly begs.

“I wouldn’t have gotten into your car if you hadn’t seemed mad that I didn’t jump in as soon as you pulled over,” Evan says sheepishly.

“That’s answer does not do anything to help my opinion of your life choices,” Connor shakes his head.

“Yep,” Evan pops the p.

They both laugh.

“You wanna run for it?” Connor suggests.

Evan shakes his head.

“The bus stop is even less sheltered,” he explains.

“Do you need to get back right away?” Connor asks. “We could wait it out in my room.”

“You sure the rain won’t give you pneumonia?” Evan jokes.

“Only if Alana finds out about it.” Connor answers with a smirk, earning another grin from Evan.

“Do you have work today?” Evan asks.

“I did this morning.”

“Then I may not feel bad about hiding in your dorm until the rain stops,” he decides.

“Shall we run?” Connor suggests.

“Maybe in a bit,” Evan looks out at the downpour with a concerned expression.

“No rush,” Connor shrugs.

A buzzing noise joins the hum of the rain. Evan jumps slightly, then pulls out his phone with an embarrassed smile. Connor watches the smile fade into something akin to fear. Evan’s face is paling. Connor steps closer to him.

“Are you okay?” he asks worriedly.

“Yeah,” Evan mutters. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

There isn’t any effort put into the lie. It falls flat, and doesn’t attempt to hide that Evan’s hands are now visibly shaking.

“You don’t look fine,” Connor tells him.

“Thanks,” Evan probably means this to be a joke, but he’s usually better at deadpanning.

“You know what I mean,” Connor brushes off. “Who’s calling you?”

“No one,” Evan sputters.

Then Connor remembers one of the things Evan told him that night that they both said so much. Evan had called this one of the contributors to him feeling hopeless when they first started talking. From the way he said it, Connor had assumed it stopped, but Evan hadn’t done anything to make it.

Acting on an impulse, Connor snatches the phone from Evan’s hand.

“Hey!” Evan exclaims. “Connor, give me—”

Connor presses the answer button and holds the device to his ear.

“Hello?” he says into it.

He keeps his gaze on the rain, but out of the corner of his eyes he can see Evan’s jaw drop.

“Evan, it’s,” the voice on the other end starts.

“Why are you calling this number?” Connor asks harshly, making it very clear that it is not Evan this man is talking to.

“Connor, stop!” Evan tries to grab the phone back, but there are perks to being taller and stronger.

“Who is this?” the voice that Connor is certain belongs to Evan’s father demands.

“Please,” Evan’s pulling at Connor’s jacket. “I can handle—”

“I’m someone who will hurt you if you ever bother Evan again,” Connor makes his voice as dark as he can.

“Give me—” Evan pleads.

“Or Heidi,” Connor adds. He doesn’t want anything to weigh down that woman’s already heavy load. “Stay away from both of them, you’ve fucked enough shit up already.”

Connor ends the call. He lets Evan yank his arm away from his ear and pull the device from his hand.

“That was not okay,” Evan’s shaking.

Connor takes a step towards him.

“I’m sorry, but—”

“Really?” Evan scoffs. “Because you just look smug to me.”

Then Evan’s running into the rain. Connor doesn’t know where he’s going, but his feet follow urgently. The water slaps at his face and neck, but he doesn’t care.

“Evan, wait!” he has to shout to be heard.

He catches up, grabs hold of Evan’s arm to stop him. Evan roughly takes his arm back, but he doesn’t try to run away.

“Did you want to talk to him?” Connor questions. “You looked like you were going to have a panic attack.”

“That doesn’t matter.” There’s a strength in his tone that’s only defused by his eyes refusing to meet Connor’s.

“Yes it does.” Connor tells him, because he never wants Evan to feel like that if he can do something to stop it.

“Okay, fine!” Evan yells. “I feel like I’m going to throw up every time he tries to call me, but that doesn’t mean that you can take my phone!”

“Why?” Connor challenges. “I made it stop.”

“Maybe I didn’t want the phone to be answered at all,” Evan exclaims.

“You’re just trying to avoid confrontation,” Connor doesn’t mean this to sound so dismissive.

“I hate confrontation,” Evan sounds weak now. “That’s why I don’t answer.”

“You want me to apologize for protecting you?” Connor asks. “I won’t, Hansen.”

“It wasn’t your fight,” Evan’s exasperated.

“I don’t care,” Connor’s shouting now.

“I,” Evan looks up at him now. His eyes are wide, but there’s more than just anger in them. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“What you said to him,” Evan’s voice has gained a small shred of confidence. “That you’ll hurt him if he tries to talk to me.”

“I wanted to scare him,” Connor tries to justify.

He doesn't want Evan to think he’s a monster. He’s not dangerous, not to Evan at least. But he would hurt anyone who tried to harm the boy standing in front of him. He would hurt them so quickly that maybe Evan _should_ be scared.

“So you didn’t,” Evan looks smaller now.

“That’s not what I said,” Connor tried to keep his voice steady.

“I’m not like you,” Evan sounds wounded now. Connor doesn’t understand why. “I don’t just lie when ever its convenient”

“I wasn’t lying.”

“So you meant it then?” he’s unsure.

“Of course I fucking meant it!” Connor nearly screams. “I love you!”

And just like that the words he was never supposed to say are flying into the rain. Connor’s cut his heart out and put it on full display. Neither of them say anything. The rain sucks his death away, prevents him from saying anything else. He’s frozen in Evan’s gaze. Evan’s blinking at him. Connor’s never seen him look so stunned. This is exactly why he was never supposed to know.

Evan takes a step toward him. He opens his mouth to say what Connor is certain will be an apology. He’s sure Evan’s about to tell him that he’s sorry but he can’t love him. He’s sorry he gave Connor the wrong idea. He’s sorry he poured his heart out to someone who’s been objectifying him since they first decided to be friends.

That springs Connor into action.

“Fuck,” he stumbles backward. “Oh my god.”

He can’t feel the rain slapping him anymore. He wishes he could. Maybe it would wake him up, because this has to be a nightmare.

“I,” he stammers. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to sound like—”

Evan’s just staring at him.

“I’m sorry,” Connor’s able to get out before he’s turning around.

He’s running, or at least he’s trying to. He can’t feel his legs. He can’t feel anything but the pounding of his heart. He’s fairly certain he’s going to die. This terrible moment is about to be his last.

Then he hears Evan shout something. Then Evan’s next to him.

Evan’s grabbing hold of his arm. Evan’s not supposed to be that strong. His mouth is moving, but Connor can’t hear him. He can’t hear anything but the rain and his own heart beat.

“Connor,” Evan’s free hand is touching the side of his face. He’s trying to bring him back to focus.

“I’m sorry,” Connor blurts again. “I didn’t mean to—”

He’s cut off by Evan’s lips diving onto his. It’s soft, so much gentler than the other kiss. Connor’s frozen. He can’t breath. He can’t trust that this is real. Evan’s hands move, his arms wrap around him. Connor realizes he’s trying to stop him from running again. Slowly, Evan pulls his mouth back, but he doesn’t end the closeness. His forehead rests on Connor’s. Connor can feel Evan’s breath dance across his face.

“I love you too,” Evan breaths.

Then Connor’s unfrozen. Then his arms are around Evan. He’s pulling Evan as close as he possibly can. Their lips meet again. This time there’s an urgency. They both need to show the other that they meant the unplanned confession.

Evan is everything. Connor can feel him, taste him. He’s drowning in Evan.

This is how he wants to drown.

* * *

Time seemed to slow down and then speed up when Evan kissed Connor. He’s not sure how they made to Connor’s dorm room. One moment they were in the rain, and Connor was holding him tightly. Now he’s standing in the middle of Connor’s room, and Connor’s handing him a towel.

“You’re soaked,” he explains

“At least my shirt’s not see through,” Evan replies.

“What?” Connor glances down.

“Kidding,” Evan grins.

“Funny,” Connor smirks. “You know, if you want to see what’s under it you just have to ask.”

Evan feels his face heat up. He’s blushing. A lot.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he stammers.

Connor smiles warmly. He tosses him a shirt and a pair of pants.

“Here, you can wear this,” he states.

“Thanks,” Evan grips the clothing.

“Do you, um,” Connor’s eyes trace the ground. “Should I go outside or?”

“No, thats okay,” Evan shakes his head.

Connor’s across the room so he can’t hear Evan’s heart beat. He turns around and starts taking off his shirt. Evan stumbles around too, trying not to think about Connor’s back. He tosses his wet clothes in the corner Connor left his.

“Your hair’s still wet,” Evan comments when they’re both done changing.

“It’s a mess isn’t it,” Connor run his hand through it.

“No, it’s cute,” Evan feels his face heating up again. “I mean—”

“You’re cute, too.”

Connor crosses the room. His fingers graze Evan’s face. He seems more tentative now. The moment in the rain is over, and they’re both trying to find their footing.

“Connor?” Evan whispers.

“Yeah?” Connor hums.

“Can I ask,” Evan’s not sure how to say this. “I’m don’t mean this to sound like I don’t want—”

“Just go,” Connor’s fingers are in his hair. His eyes are half closed. Evan wants to save this image. He wants to hold onto it when everything else falls apart.

“Where do I stand?” he asks softly.

“I don’t know,” Connor sounds scared.

Evan doesn’t want Connor to ever sound scared because of him. He softly brushes his lips against Connor’s. Connor smiles at him.

“You wanna figure it out?” Evan whispers.

“Yes.”

Evan falls into Connor. His hands tangle in Connor’s wet hair. He closes his eyes. This kiss is less soft. Connor’s hands trail from his face downwards. They grasp his shirt. Evan can feel Connor’s lip between his teeth, he presses down on it. Connor makes a noise. Evan pulls back with a huge grin.

“Don’t,” Connor rolls his eyes.

Evan laughs. He kisses Connor’s jaw. His lips move down Connor’s neck. Connor moans again, this time with less embarrassment. Connor grips the shirt tightly. He pushes Evan backwards onto his bed.

Their legs tangle. Connor’s on top of him. Connor’s lips are over his, his tongue slips between them. Evan lets him take control, let’s Connor’s hands slide under the shirt, wonders what was the point in putting it on if Connor just wanted to take it off of him.

That’s what he does. Connor only breaks the kiss to pull the shirt over Evan’s head. Evan suddenly feels very open. He feels like Connor can see inside of him. It’s not a bad feeling, but it’s new.

“Is this okay?” Connor whispers into his hair.

“Yeah,” Evan’s barely able to utter.

Then Connor’s kissing him again. Evan reaches up this time. He pulls Connor’s shirt towards him. Connor smirks into the kiss. Evan breaks it. He kisses Connor’s jaw again. He pulls the shirt off of Connor.

His hands graze over Connor’s arms. The scars aren’t as rough as he thought they’d be. Connor winces, his eyes are closed. Evan’s hand moves to his cheek.

“Hey,” he makes his voice gentle. “You’re beautiful.”

“You don’t have to say that,” Connor says gruffly.

“I’m not just saying it,” Evan smiles at him. “You’re the most beautiful person I know.”

“Yeah, but,” Connor looks like he wants to cry. “You don’t know a lot of people.”

Evan chuckles. He takes Connor’s right arm in his hands. He kisses a scar on his forearm, moves to his wrist, to the back of his hand.

“Beautiful,” he exhales.

Connor falls into him, buries his head in Evan’s shoulder. Evan wraps his arms around him, holding him as tight as he can.

“Sorry,” Connor whispers. “That kinda ruined the moment.”

“No,” Evan shushes him.

He kisses the top of Connor’s head. He can’t imagine ever wanting to be anywhere else.

“I was so scared to tell you,” Connor says into Evan’s chest.

“I was scared to,” Evan admits.

“I thought you wouldn’t want me,” Connor mumbles.

“I thought I’d drive you away,” Evan whispers.

Connor props himself up.

“Evan Hansen,” he says very seriously. “You’ll never drive me away.”

Evan smiles.

“You’re never gonna get rid of me,” Connor’s eyes are shining.

“Good.”

Evan kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, one chapter left (which is mainly for the sake of tying up loose ends and last minutes fluff, since I will admit I kinda owe that after the angst bombs)!


	21. So Hold Me Close And Don’t Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has been dating Evan Hansen for a little less than a month, and he didn’t realize it was possible for him to feel this lucky. It reminds him of when he and Evan first became friends. They know what their relationship is supposed to be like. Yet, at the same time, it’s nothing like they figure it should be. It’s new, and different, and he loves it. He loves it so fucking much.

“Get up.” Connor’s half asleep brain can feel his boyfriend nudging him.

“Five more minutes,” Connor jokes.

Connor has been dating Evan Hansen for a little less than a month, and he didn’t realize it was possible for him to feel this lucky. It reminds him of when he and Evan first became friends. They know what their relationship is supposed to be like. Yet, at the same time, it’s nothing like they figure it should be. It’s new, and different, and he loves it. He loves it so fucking much.

“That’s the fifth time you said that,” Evan tugs his arm.

“Is it?” Connor opens his eyes. Evan rolls his.

“Come on,” Evan whines.

Connor rolls over, pulling Evan with him.

“Connor, that’s not fair.” Evan exclaims from on top of him.

“Shh,” Connor moans.

“Connor,” Evan complains.

“Cuddle with me,” Connor asks.

“You’re so clingy,” Evan sighs.

“You know it,” he smirks.

Evan jokingly rolls his eyes. Connor hides his face in Evan’s shirt. This is how most of the mornings they spend together go. Evan doesn’t sleep over every night. It’s harder for him to focus on his school work when Connor’s around. While Heidi seemed over joyed when they told her that they were dating, she made it clear that Evan needed to balance his relationship and his responsibilities.

Connor’s favorite nights are the ones he shares with Evan. The bed is too small, and he always wakes up with sore shoulders, but it’s more than worth falling asleep in Evan’s arms.

“I love you,” he murmurs into Evan’s chest.

“I love you, too,” Evan says warmly. “Now get up.”

“Fine,” he groans.

Evan jumps out of the bed, pulling Connor with him. Evan pecks Connor’s lips.

“Is that all the reward I get?” Connor teases.

“Get dressed,” Evan tells him.

“You wanna watch?” Connor says seductively.

“You’re not smooth.” Evan kisses him anyway.

There are still bad days. There are times when Connor gets angry for no reason, and times when he can’t bring himself to get out of bed and face himself in the mirror. There are times when Evan can’t talk to him, times he can’t talk to anyone. They’ve learned that their relationship isn’t going to make any of this go away. But Evan will lie in bed with Connor when the world is too much, and Connor will hold Evan’s hand and tell him they don’t need to talk.

“You’re staring,” Evan informs him.

“I know,” Connor smirks.

“It’s creepy,” Evan laughs.

“I know.”

“Come on,” Evan rolls his eyes. “You have work in an hour.”

“Yes, Mom,” Connor teases.

“Shut up,” Evan mutters.

“You coming with?”

Evan nods.

They’ve slipped into routines. Evan does homework at the back table of Dead Beans. Occasionally they share glances. Zoe calls it eye sex, but it’s less flirtatious as it is them checking in. They still haven’t forgotten that they’ve vowed to keep each other safe. Evan’s not comfortable in the world around them, and Connor will never trust it. So they’re both a little too cautious for the other.

Today Connor’s less worried.

“They’re scaring customers away,” Alana looks at Evan, Zoe, and Jared Kleinman with pursed lips.

The three are sitting at Evan’s usual table. Evan looks embarrassed, he usually does when he’s bookended by those two. A smile plays on Connor’s lips. He likes to watch this. At first he thought he’d be jealous of Evan giving attention to other people, but most of that was wiped away when Evan said he loved him and only him. The rest he can brush off.

“You gonna stop them?” Connor scoffs.

“No,” she admits.

“You don’t have to get here this early,” he reminds her.

“I know,” Alana avoids his eyes. “I came with your sister.”

“Oh?” he raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” she nods. “Actually, there’s probably something I should tell you.”

“If you guys had sex,” Connor starts. “I really don’t want to—”

“Lower your voice!” Alana squeaks.

“You’re the one shouting,” he points out.

“I’m shouting?” her eyes widen. “Stop laughing!”

“No thanks,” he smirks.

“If I asked Zoe out," Alana says seriously. “Do you think she’d say yes?”

“Yeah,” he confirms.

“That was a quick answer,” she remarks.

“She’s very gay,” he says dryly.

“I know that,” Alana rolls her eyes. “But that doesn’t mean she’d like me.”

“Go talk to her,” Connor instructs.

“Not right now,” Alana brushes off.

“No, please,” he smirks. “Drag her out that would be hilarious.”

“You’re not helping,” she informs him.

“I know.”

“How’s Evan?” Alana asks suddenly.

“The same as the last five times you asked,” he tells her.

“I’m happy you two are dating,” she explains.

“You sound like Zoe,” he states.

“She talks about you a lot,” she lets him know.

“Not as much as she talks about you,” he mutters.

“What?”

“I’ve said too much already,” he waves his hand dismissively. “Just ask her out before the end of the week.”

He has a bet with Kleinman that the girls wouldn’t last that long, and he’d like the fifty bucks and bragging rights.

“I might,” Alana shrugs, looking back at the table. “What do you think they’re talking about?”

* * *

“What do you think they’re talking about anyway?” Zoe’s eyeing Connor and Alana.

“Probably you,” Jared answers.

“Shut up,” Zoe tells him.

Evan clears his throat. He is very ready for history class to change next semester. He may even live through another group project, as long as his group members actually focus. That’s a lie. Another project will probably kill him. Then Connor will have to date his ghost.

“Guys,” he says. “If we don’t finish this, we’re not gonna get extra credit.”

“I don’t need it,” Jared says confidently.

“I saw your grade,” Evan reminds him.

“I really need it,” Jared corrects.

“What did you get, Evan?” Zoe wonders

“It, uh,” Evan stammers. “Wasn’t that bad.”

He got a B, and honestly doesn’t need to be here. He wouldn’t mind hanging out with Zoe and Jared. Actually, he likes hanging out with them. He just hates being the one who was supposed to keep them on track. He would have canceled on chipping in on the extra credit project, if the two hadn’t decided they were going to work on it at Dead Beans. Evan’s pretty sure this was just so they could trap him.

“But seriously,” he tries again. “Can we focus?”

“Statistically, no,” Jared informs him.

“It’s weird seeing them talk,” Zoe’s still watching Connor and Alana.

“She talks to everyone,” Evan points out.

“Yeah, but Connor only talks to you,” Zoe argues. “I didn’t think he was capable of holding a conversation with someone else.”

Evan hopes she’s joking.

“I don’t think Connor and Evan do much talking these days—” Jared starts with a wide smirk.

“She’s probably just telling him something random,” Evan cuts him off. “You know how she does that.”

“Yeah,” Zoe nods.

“Maybe she’s asking for love advice,” Jared says in an overly suggestive voice.

“Very funny,” Zoe deadpans.

“Hey,” Jared starts. “Connor might know a thing or two, I mean did you see his neck the other day?”

Evan feels his face turn red.

“He told me he’d cover it!” he sputters.

“Oh my god,” Jared’s eyes go wide and Evan realizes he’s fallen into a trap.

“Shut up,” he puts his head on the table.

“I was joking but—”

“Shut up, shut up,” he groans.

“I think you’ve embarrassed Evan enough,” Zoe comes to his aid. “Besides, Connor looks like he wants to kick your ass.”

Evan glances up, Connor’s watching them with a confused and slightly irritated expression.

“That’s just his face,” Evan jokes, waving to his boyfriend.

Zoe laughs.

“But seriously,” she looks at Evan. “Things are good, right?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Why wouldn’t they be?”

It always felt weird to talk to Zoe about Connor. He was used to the other way around, and he still didn’t really understand the Connor that she knew. Evan knew that Connor used to be different than his Connor, but they were starting to turn into the same one. He liked referring to the real Connor as his, even if it was just in his head.

“I don’t know,” Zoe shrugs. “He was really afraid to tell you he liked you.”

“Yeah, I got that sense.”

They hadn’t told everyone how they actually got together. The moment in the rain was private, theirs only. Instead they edited the story, telling Zoe and the others that Connor had accidentally blurted it and then asked Evan out.

“Can we talk about how I called all of this?” Jared liked to state this.

“No,” Evan tells him.

“Because I did,” he continues anyway.

“We get it,” Evan rolls his eyes.

“As soon as you started hanging out with him, I told you he was gay for you.”

“I remember, Jared,” Evan says through his teeth.

“Why is she laughing?” Zoe asks, still watching Alana and Connor.

“Is it a real laugh?” Evan glances at Alana.

“You seriously think they’re talking about me?” She turns to Jared.

“What else do they have in common,” Jared shrugs.

“Maybe they’re laughing because you two are shouting,” Evan says dryly.

“We’re not,” Zoe starts, then freezes. “Fuck. We are, aren’t we?”

* * *

Once Connor gets off a work, he announces that the both of them could use a break. It’s only when he’s veering off the freeway that Evan realizes this means they’re going back to the orchard. They spend the car ride listening to music. Connor’s devoted a little too much time and money into finding and collecting the sort of songs they’ve discovered Evan likes. Evan hasn’t told him that the reason he liked most of them is because they remind him of Conner.

“Are we gonna make a habit of this?” Evan asks as Connor helps him down from the gate.

“Only if my mom keeps paying my gas bill,” Connor shrugs.

“It’s a long drive,” Evan muses.

“I like long drives when you’re in the car with me,” Connor says cheekily.

“You’re so incredibly sweet,” Evan informs him.

“It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” Connor jokes.

“Only a little,” Evan admits.

Connor kisses his cheek. He takes in the sight of Connor with the open sky behind him, Connor with a smile that Evan’s pretty sure is reserved for just him, Connor with his hair slightly moving in the wind.

“What?” Connor questions the stare.

“I like your hair like that,” Evan tells him.

“I like you like this,” Connor replies.

“What is this?” Evan asks.

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugs. He takes hold of Evan’s hand and starts walking through the trees. “I can’t describe it with words.”

“You wanna race?” Evan asks.

“I’ll win,” Connor reminds him.

“I don’t care.”

They take off. Evan watches the world blur until all he can focus on is Connor in front of him. Connor slows down when they make it to the field. Evan doesn’t. He keeps running until he’s catapulting into Connor, pulling him onto the grass.

“Okay,” Connor laughs. “You did this just so you could tackle me.”

“Maybe,” Evan admits.

He rolls onto the grass, pulling Connor on top of him. This proves to be a mistake. Connor pins him to the ground, pressing their lips together in a deep kiss. Evan lets himself go, his mind only registering Connor touching him.

“You wanna get ice cream after this?” Connor asks when they stop for breath. “I remembered this place my parents used to take us to.”

“Sure,” Evan agrees. “As long as it’s not gonna stir up anything.”

Connor’s avoided a handful of possible date spots because the last time he’d been to these places was with his family on bad days. Evan never pushes.

“I think I’ll be fine,” Connor rolls off of him.

Evan takes this opportunity to rest his head on Connor’s shoulder. The grass is soft around them. It’s calming.

“Um, about my parents,” Connor starts uneasily.

“Yeah?” Evan hums.

“They want to meet you.”

“Oh.” Evan never expected Connor to say this, and definitely not only a month into their relationship. About a week ago, Zoe had dragged Connor home to have dinner with their parents, but Evan had assumed that he had remained unmentioned.

“You’re surprised,” Connor comments.

“They’re not gonna like me,” Evan warns.

“Because you’re a guy?” Connor asks.

That would be the first but not the only reason. Evan feels himself shrink into Connor.

“I’m not that impressive,” he finally vocalizes.

“That’s not true,” Connor tells him. “But if you don’t want to meet them—”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Evan says quickly. “If you want me to I will, I totally will, when do they—”

“Evan,” Connor’s voice is gentle.

“I’m rambling?” he realizes.

“Yeah,” Connor says endearingly.

“Sorry,” Evan mumbles.

“Don’t be,” Connor tells him. “You can meet them. We can wait. I don’t really care.”

“Maybe not just yet,” Evan says in a small voice.

“Okay,” Connor agrees. “We can make Zoe and Alana go first.”

“Alana’s a lot better with people,” Evan comments.

“My mom will talk your ear off,” Connor tells him. “She’ll love you, trust me.”

“She’s not the one I’m worried about,” Evan admits.

“Yeah,” Connor knows exactly what he’s talking about. “I think he’s trying.”

“You’re worth trying for,” Evan tells him.

“It’s probably more for Zoe than me,” Connor brushes off. “But when Zoe said I was seeing someone he said that was good.”

“It is.”

“It’s more than good.”

“Zoe mentioned you were seeing a boy, right?” Evan needs to make sure.

“I showed them a picture of you,” Connor informs him.

“You what?” Evan starts.

“Evan,” Connor’s chuckling now. “You’re my fucking phone wall paper, it’s not a big deal.”

They both laugh. Evan feels like the trees are listening to them.

“It’s fair that I meet them,” Evan allows. “Since you spend so much time at my house.”

“I like your mom,” Connor tells him.

“She likes you,” he replies.

“I also like her son,” Connor says cheekily.

“I’d hope so,” Evan jokes. “You kiss him enough.”

Connor chuckles, but the laugh fades too quickly.

“I have a confession,” he says tentatively.

“Shoot,” Evan says in an open voice. He can sense worry around this, and doesn’t like it.

“You know how you write letters to yourself?” he asks slowly.

“Yeah,” Evan hums.

“You, um,” Connor sighs. “You dropped one of them in my car the second time I drove you home.”

“I what?”

Then Evan remembers. He sits up, gaping at his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry,” Connor starts, but Evan shakes his head.

“You’re telling me you knew I was attracted to you this whole time?” he can’t fully fathom this.

“Technically,” Connor starts. “You didn’t say you were attracted to me, you just said I was attractive.”

“I can’t,” Evan shakes his head. It’s kinda funny, but he’s temporarily forgotten how to laugh. “Why didn’t you give it back when you found it?”

“I didn’t want you to know,” Connor murmurs.

“Why?”

“Because that was about when I realized you’re the cutest person I’ve ever fucking met.” Connor’s staring at the grass.

Now Evan laughs. He lets himself fall onto Connor again.

“Is this a good reaction?” Connor asks softly.

“You’re funny,” Evan informs him. “I want the letter back.”

“Over my dead body.”

They’re both laughing now.

Evan lets the moment stretch and fade away. He can feel the rise and fall of Connor’s breath. He closes his eyes.

“Connor?” he asks softly.

“Yeah?” Connor hums.

“Tell me that everything’s gonna be okay.”

“Why?” Connor’s tense now. “Did something happen?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Evan assures him. “But things never stay fine for me.”

“Yeah,” Connor sighs. “Me neither.”

“So can we make them stay?” Evan asks.

“We can try,” Connor sounds hopeful.

“Okay.” That’s all Evan needs to hear.

They look at the sky. It’s less bight than the last time they came, but Evan can still get lost in it. He doesn’t mind getting lost when he’s with Connor.

“It’s peaceful here,” he observes.

“It’s like the sky doesn’t end,” Connor adds.

“Technically,” Evan starts.

“Don’t do the smart person thing,” Connor groans.

“Fine,” Evan laughs.

They’re silent again for a moment.

“I love you,” Evan says softly.

He’s normally not the first to say it, but that doesn’t mean he means it any less. He means it so much he thinks his heart might burst.

“I love you too,” Connor murmurs.

“I’ll keep you safe,” Evan whispers.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there you have it!  
> Thank you so much to everyone reading this, and especially to those who have been leaving comments! This is the most proud I've been of my own writing in a while, and it was really nice to be able to share it with such a nice and encouraging group of readers and fellow writers!


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